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Small Miracle in a Graveyard
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Small Miracle in a Graveyard |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
In the graveyard, With three lovely Friends in the distance Alongside a lake where The Mafia reportedly Used to dump bodies, I stand atop the base Of a large granite gravestone, Hugging close to its width, Rubbing my hands across The rough stone top, Rubbing my face against it, And loving it. I jump down, Full of excited anxious Energy-- I lay across another Grave, again amazed By the porous texture Against my hands. As I look up, I listen to the extremely Distant chatter of Friends And wonder if one of them, Whose dad died less Than a week before, Should be here. I close my eyes. I open my eyes, And a shooting star Flies by. . . I’m awestruck by an answer. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Greg Butler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
The whole plot reminds me of something Kerouacian in nature, full of energy and a love for life (even in a somber place like a graveyard). Btw, I intend that to be a compliment, but I remember your feelings about Corso, so if that's how you feel about Kerouac too, you can change the name to someone elses. I don't really have any criticisms except that the ending is a little weak. I think it could be expanded a little better (it gave me a feeling of being too blunt, like it just came out of nowhere and I wasn't ready for it. Maybe that's how it should end though). Also, I didn't get the picture throughout the first part of the poem that it was night, yet for you to see a shooting star, it must've been. I'd consider adding a line or a word or something that conveys the time of day and helps to clarify the shooting star line. Other than that, a very strong poem. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
ws, Like Ryan I feel that the idea could be expanded on. I grasp the concept but I'm not sure I completely understand it. Also some of the adjectives: "lovely, large, loving it" these are all somewhat vague. I really do dig the idea; the details do need a little work. Thanks for the read. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Ryan--Well, the thing about that ending was...yes. Blunt. But the night this poem describes actually happened. As such, and because a shooting star was like a huge blunt exclamation point on the face of the night, I used a very blunt ending. It was less than a second, but it cleared every doubt from my head. The ending stanza is less than all the sensory experience and pontificating from the previous stanzas, but it sums up and answers any questions I had in the poem. (On another note, I love Kerouac for the same reason I love Corso--don't get me wrong. I read them regularly. But their writing is crap to me. I like the pictures their writing puts into my head on a strictly sensory level. This IS sort of beat-ish. Good call.) J.L.--I'm forced to disagree about the large, lovely, loving it...for now. I may at some point in the future change it, but the alliteration in the first stanza is important to me. This poem is set in stone for some time, because it was written for my best friend in the entire world, Jim. Maybe it's just nostalgic for me...I don't know. But "Large" will be kept until the final product, I'm sure. "Large granite gravestone" has a certain rhythm to it on a strictly microcosmic, syllabic level. "Lovely"...might change. Might use a better word, because it doesn't necessarily represent how important to me Jim is. "Loving it" is a definite change. But, once again,...it won't change for some time. But I do get good ideas from the criticism. I thank you. There is a certain wont for expansion that you feel...I'm glad of that. This is an abbreviated poem, given the shock we all felt after the death of Jim's dad. But I will throw in the fact that it was night...that was an oversight...I'm going to look over my drafts. I might've mis-scribed it during a revision. You never know. I thank you all for your response. This was a good thing. You may ask why I posted it if I had not the intention of changing it, but...it will change. Just not yet. Adieu et au revoir. Wordshaman |
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