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Critical Analysis #1
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No Greater Foe Than Love
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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No Greater Foe Than Love |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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No antidote is known to counteract The venom painted on each dreaded dart That burns the blood of each stout, stalwart heart Of mighty men of lore. A doubtless fact, Your thoughtless acts caused Paris to attract The Firebrand’s kin to teach great Troy the art Of waging bloody war. Those deaths impart A somber weight on doughty Atlas’ back. You poison noble blood and plunge great men To greater disrepute. Your deadly rain Of arrows falls like hailstones from above To flatten men like stalks of wheat, found when And where there’s sorrow, misery, and pain, Sad proof there is no greater foe than Love. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-26-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DesertJana Junior Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 19USA |
But where would we be without those fond piercing arrows? Without that raging roller-coaster we would surely perish, halved of heart, wilted from lack of passion! An excellent sonnet as always Jim Bouder! Jana Ps. should you change "know" in the first line to "known"...just a thought [This message has been edited by DesertJana (edited 01-26-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jimteach, You have a very good, manly sonnet here. I have just a couple of tiny crits: I feel that the word "blood (once as bloody)" is used too often, and I don't care for the word "doughty". No matter how courageous you meant to depict Atlas to be, the moment I saw the word (rarely used), I pictured a big white, puffy guy wearing a chef's hat. Maybe I'm just a bit strange, but neither do I like the sound of that word. That said, respectfully, from a devoted student, (I want a good grade), all in all, this was a good piece of work. warmhrt (aka grasshoppa) [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-26-2000).] |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Jim, I like the poem however I have to agree with WH about the word "daughty"... I deleted my prevoius statement because I have realized my idiocy...times are tough and the brain is slow.  Hawk [This message has been edited by Hawk183 (edited 01-27-2000).] |
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Buffpimp Junior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 39 |
Dude, All I can say is WOW! I hope to be able to write like you one day. I am currently working on it but hey maybe i will get there. But keep up the good work |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Jim, This one is tremendously worded in my opinion. I really like the concept behind this sonnet. It evokes visions of Antony or Samson, or some such doomed masculine personality which meets their fate because of loving the wrong person. All in all a great read. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ok Jim .. I hold my hand up on this one. Having read Kess's comments and checked my faithful tome it would appear that I have let my enthusiasm for a dig at me ole mate JB cloud my erstwhile impeccable judgement .. alas alack I am undone ... Yours in penitence (for now .. )Philip |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Hyuck...if we all in the Midwest knew anything about literary device and such things, well...I'd say it were a pretty darn good allusionist commentary on Homer's "Iliad". But since we don't got no books and such thangs...I'm forced to enjoy modern language. Heh...I'll see y'all around. Wordshaman [This message has been edited by Wordshaman (edited 01-27-2000).] |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jim-- nice job as usual, technically perfect, and a somewhat unusal theme. but... "each dreaded dart / That burns the blood of each stout, stalwart heart / Of mighty men of lore" kind of bothers me, perhaps one too many "each"es, perhaps the characterization of the hearts as "stawart" when they were cleary not (according to you), and with little sense of irony; i don't know. perhaps it's just me, lol, one of those instances when the fault lies in the reader. another thing that bothered me about this a little while after i read it for the first time was your use of only one example here, paris, after making such a point of dwelling on each dart in each heart of all the mighty men of lore. i know there are more examples you can cite, and i guess the repetition of "each" early on led me, at least, to expect more than one example. lol, i know, i know, i am such a lawyer, lol. one more thing... i gotta agree with warmhrt here, "doughty" just doesn't do it. i know it's actual meaning totally fits here, but it is such an unusual and strange word, and at first glance it always seems to have another meaning, lol. it just seems out of place. ever see ghostbusters? the marshmellow man was DOUGHTY, lol. and one more thing, now that you got me thinking about it? i'm not sure paris is even your best example here. it's been some time since i've read the iliad (god, what an awesome book); sure, he carries helen off to troy, but only after he foolishly participates in the business of judging who was more beautiful, hera, athena, or aphrodite, and earning the enmity of two powerful goddesses. was the abduction and ensuing war caused by a 'dart' burning his blood for helen (or aphrodite), or by hera's and athena's jealousy and their desire to punish him and all that was his? a bit of a clouded issue, if you ask me. i think antony would have made a much stronger case for your message. ok, sorry, i'll shut up now, lol. despite all that, this was a pretty good piece. thanks for an interesting read. jenni |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
As usual Jim, a technically strong sonnet with powerful content. It is not, however, one of your better ones, in my humble opinion ~braces self~. Some of the words chosen, as suggested by others already, seemed a little harsh or something. But I think my main problem with it is the enjambment. You may have overdone it a little on this one. I quite agree it usually adds to the reading interest of a poem but it tends to make me stumble a little here. It seems that the thoughts and lines are a little broken or disorganized. It leaves me with the impression you really were writing more or less free verse, with some internal rhymes then, at the end, rearranged it into a sonnet. I don't think I made much sense here, and this is just one quite humble opinion. I see this as a very good sonnet, but just not one of your best. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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merely_a_jester Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 67Arkansas... that's all you get |
i'm just gonna say that you have a fan i'm also gonna say that i'll have to read it again to understand and fully soak in this work, but that is just a "burden" i'll have to bear just another twice invisible boy To Be, contents his natural desire, He asks no Angel's wing, no Seraph's fire; Alexander Pope |
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
I have enjoyed this well. The only sticking point was the word Atlas' which although is pronounced Atlases causes me stumble probably because of the change in meter earlier in the line (and maybe why some object to Doughty.. a lovely word, not at all pronounced like dough). Kevin "Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you got there." |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sorry I'm late to this one ... wait a minute ... this is my post!  Thanks for reading this, everyone. DJ (Haze): I agree with you. P.S. Thanks for catching that typo. Grasshopper: I'll see what I can do about the "doughty" word that conjures images of the Stay-Puff Marshmellow Man. I my original drafts the word "doughty" occurred in the line immediately following "doubtless". I see what I can do to either rework the sentence structure to make the connection clear or I will change the word. Nobody else mentioned anything about the repeated use of the word "blood" or "bloody" but I will give your suggestions some thought. Hawk: I am sorry I can't remember your original statement or maybe I shouldn't be sorry. See my reply to Grasshopper (WH) above for my plans for "doughty".Buffpimp: Dude! Thanks! I suspect you are selling yourself short, though.J.L.: I'm glad it evoked those images. That was my intent. For more on this see my reply to Jenni below. Philip: I forgive you. Just don't let it happen again. WS: Sorry about the allusion (actually I'm not). My next sonnet will be about The Jaggermeister Challenge. No! Wait! That just might end up being allusionist commentary on the young American party scene! But since we don't have any bars in the Ivory Tower Lookouts I'm forced to enjoy archaic language. (again, ).Jenni: Ahhh, Jenni. I can always count on you to give me a well thought critique. Actually, Paris was quite the heroic type before he got involved with Aphrodite (the Greek goddess of love) and that silly "pick the prettiest girl" game with the golden apple. His reward for picking Aphrodite was the most beautiful woman in the world, Helen, who happened to be already married to King Menelaus. It was after he got involved with Helen, the wife of Menelaus (the "Firebrand", his "gift" for choosing Aphrodite), that his reputation started to take a dive. If you remember from your reading of the Iliad, Paris had quite the manly duel with King Menelaus. So, in my humble opinion, Paris was one ofthose "great men" who was plunged to "greater disrepute" by love personified. Antony's destruction would not be as complete as Paris', in my opinion. Paris' life AND reputation was shot to Hades because of love. Antony, I think, is still regarded as a noble figure (albeit a tragic noble figure). Your comment regarding "each" being used twice is valid and I will try to rework those lines. See my response to Grasshopper(WH) above about "doughty". I'm glad you found it interesting. Thanks. Pete: You underestimate your own opinion, my friend. The lore/war enjambment was done on purpose (kinda an experiment with internal, structured rhyme). The problem you seem to be trying to put your finger on, I think, is that some of the lines seem forced. I will try cleaning it up a bit. Thanks for your honesty. Merely-a-Jester: I'm honored to have a "fan" but won't go around marketing my fan-club materials just yet. Seriously, I'm glad you liked it and I particularly happy that you were prompted to read it again. That is a fine compliment. Thanks.Kevin: I'm glad you liked it too. It still has some rough edges but I will see what I can do. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-28-2000).] |
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