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Fading Velvet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Fading Velvet |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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the weakened stem bows to the departing reign of the flower. so the rose now nods, it's rich hues fading, as the tips curl, and discolor. the velvet petals which had curved so tightly in bud, have loosened their clasp, and hang ... seemingly suspended ... then slowly, and completely each once lovely fragment releases it's hold, floating to the damp soil beneath. the velvets of such delicate shade, now brighter against the dark, rich earth, eventually become one with their beginnings, encouraging budding growth to open carefully, and to display the humble, promising splendor they once possessed. warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-31-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Wow-eee! What a great poem...just read another one of yours minutes ago and I gotta say it's kinda pissing me off that I have to put the scissors back in the drawer. I thought the word usage was almost perfect and you brought forth the imagery with a wonderful subtle grace. But what's a critique by Trevor without at least one or two suggestions to consider(even as weak as my suggestions be). Perhaps consider omitting the "..."s that you have at the end of some lines. Personally I've found they rarely add anything to a poem. Consider changing the wording of the line "each once lovely fragment" to something like "once lovely fragments" or "each lovely fragment", personally I thought that "each once" kinda threw off the rythmn a bit. Consider getting rid of the word "now" in the fifth line. Seemed unnecessary. Perhaps consider using a different word other then the second time use of "velvet", dunno...maybe "plush"....so minor though, still works wonderfully with a doubled velvet. And lastly consider some line spacing to add extra meaning and to let the reader really soak in this wonderful poem, ie. "the weakened stem bows to the departing reign of the flower. so the rose nods, it's rich hues fading, as the tips curl, and discolor. the velvet petals which had curved so tightly in bud, have loosened their clasp, and hang seemingly suspended then slowly, and completely each lovely fragment releases it's hold, floating to the damp soil beneath. the velvet of such delicate shade, now brighter against the dark, rich earth, and eventually become one with their beginnings, encouraging budding growth to open carefully, and to display the humble, promising splendor they once possessed." Just an idea, anyways, thought it was the best poem of yours that I've read so far, thanks for sharing it and take care, Trevor |
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
It's a fine poem. Not telling us the grade you got is either very very good or just as bad. But I would have ended it with these lines... now brighter against the dark, rich earth, and eventually become one with their beginnings The following lines are fine but I find them a distraction to the ones I want to hold the image of. Grade was? Kevin "Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you got there." |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Trevor, Thank you so much for your generous praise. I really liked your suggestion about changing the format, and will surely do that after the post. I want to leave it in the form in which it was written for the post, though. Thanks again. Kevin, Your suggestions are good also, but refer to above comment to Trevor. The grade ... not quite yet. |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
Reminds of the most wonderful poem I have ever read, called "'Tis the Last Rose of Summer" by Thomas Moore. If the words in the poem are a little archaic, the emotions are eternal. It may go against my strict free verse style, but just because my personal expression doesn't use rhyme and rhythm doesn't mean I can't appreciate it. Read it sometime if you haven't. Your poem is well done, except that the word choice seems to fail you at times. Using 'bows' and 'nods' to describe the slow slumping of a flower in death does not work well. Maybe some good metaphor would work for you, or elaborating on some of your ideas a little more with vivid words...but beware. A bad metaphor would rip this flower from its roots and scatter its leaves mercilessly to the ground below. Wordshaman |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
warmhrt, I can add nothing but praise for this beautiful (touching) portrait. It falls in layers with grace and dignity. Since I am behind Trevor (who consistently covers my bases and then some) I have nothing to offer to his fine critique, wise words he offers, but the images remain in all seasons of glory. Oh that we could all age as this rose of your's. TA ~haze [This message has been edited by haze (edited 01-19-2000).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello again Warmhrt, I was just thinking more about your poem and thought I'd offer up one last suggestion...hope you don't mind. It's regarding the spacing at the part where I suggested big breaks...here is another possible idea for revision you could consider that might lend to the meaning behind the words. "the weakened stem bows to the departing reign of the flower. so the rose nods, it's rich hues fading, as the tips curl, and discolor. the velvet petals which had curved so tightly in bud, have loosened their clasp, and hang seemingly suspended then slowly, andcompletely each lovely fragment releases it's hold, floating to the damp soil beneath. the velvet of such delicate shade, now brighter against the dark, rich earth, and eventually become one with their beginnings, encouraging budding growth to open carefully, and to display the humble, promising splendor they once possessed." Just a thought on maybe a minor change at "the slowly and completely". Might lend to the reading and meaning of the poem. Dunno, just an idea for you to do with as you wish. Thanks again, take care, Trevor |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I give it an A. I really loved it. Comments: I agree with Trevor about the "fragment" line, I tripped over it a little. Hoever, I don't particularly like the formatting (line spacing) suggestions he suggested toward the end of his comments. Also, I like "bow" and "nod" just fine(in reference to Wordshaman's comments). I think this is a really great poem. Sorry I couldn't help out much with new comments but I thought I'd give you a second opinion on what has been said. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks to all of you for your comments (mostly good) and suggestions. I do like Trevor's format ... separating a few of the lines. Before I let you know what grade I got, I'll tell you that it was first broken down, then given an over-all grade. The parts were word usage, flow, symbolism, metaphoric content, and imagery. This was a lesson in descriptive, creative writing. Oh ... this was not the original title, which spoke of the over-all theme of the piece. I'll give you that with the grade. I'll let ya know as soon as I hear from my teach ... who has now moved into the history department. Thanks again to all of you, warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-19-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Grasshopper: At the risk of sounding like I'm in Open Forum, I loved this!  (Wink on the Open Forum crack. No wink on the "I loved this!")I give this an "A" in all categories.  P.S. You can tell them what you got on it now. The history department ... gotta keep my eye on you.< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-19-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Okay ... Thanks, everybody, It's pretty bad when your first piece of serious work gets better comments than most others of mine. Talk about goin' downhill ... I must say, though, that I worked on this for a month or more. Some I write now in ten minutes or less. I guess that proves Brad's theory about working on poems. Any way, I got a 15, a 15, a 15, a 15 and a 20, which adds up to an 80 over-all or a bit less than a 3.0. [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-19-2000).] |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Warmhrt... I have to echoe the above and agree with Jim about the "A"...but I'm thinking an A+ would be more fitting...nice work! Hawk |
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