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Apartment Sketch
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Apartment Sketch |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
I hold her hair out of her face As she throws up and coughs and cries... "Christ you're sick," I sigh and take her into my Arms on the tile floor Next to the toilet. "I'm sorry," I say putting my head against hers. "For what?" she asks. I just gesture, meaning the apartment. We don't even have the money To pay for her medicine, And I sense a trip to the emergency room Before the night's through. She sighs, every muscle Collapsing against mine. I stroke her hair, Knowing full well we weren't ready for this. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Greg Butler - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
"we weren't ready for this" no-one ever is. as you remind us. i hope this is imagined, or long past, but if not . . . hold in there, we do understand and you've said it well and clearly. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WS: I sure hope this isn't autobiographical. If so, I echo Ted's sentiments. The last line is the kicker. My only criticism is that this seems more like prose than poetry, as I have been taught to distinguish the two. Poetry shows, prose tells. This (again, as I was taught) is what distinguishes free-verse from prose. I could be wrong here. Regardless of "what" it is, this is well written and moving. Thanks for the read. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
JB... If you keep going with what you've been taught, you and I are going to butt heads for an infinite length of time. Just so you know. I've got a very "quiet", almost solemn way of writing, sometimes simple, sometimes complex... I don't buy into the "shows/tells" distinction of poetry and prose. I've been told the same thing by some mentors and teachers, and I've never bought into it. I would invite you to color outside the lines, dear poet. THAT is what poetry does. Breaks down all barriers. Adieu et au revoir. Wordshaman |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WS: No offense intended, my Shamany friend. No need for butting heads here. I'm willing to keep an open mind ... just passing along what I've learned along the way. Let's focus on what we can agree on with this one, okay? Whether passion or prose, this was well written and I enjoyed it. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Wordshaman Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 110Illinois, USA |
I was being amicable...I guess my brand of humor has not yet been felt out. I'm terribly easy going. Don't worry about me. No war of the words this one. I thank you for your complimentary words, by the way. Wordshaman |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I agree, it is prose-like, BUT it still works well for me. In fact, it gave me a slight stomach ache. That is powerful feeling that doesn't happen too much to me. I think that is part of what makes this piece poetry, rather than prose. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Ah! Welcome to Passions! Glad to have you here and I'm glad you posted this poem. I find it tender and loving..a free verse.. but then I don't read with my head but with my heart. Welcome to the family!  |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
This is a powerful portrait. Your style lends much to this, straight-forward reality uncut by flowery imagery. A nice slice that broke me out of the la-da-dee with a slap to a strong finish (the perfect close) KUDOS! ~haze |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Words, I echo the sentiments voiced in the first couple of comments. I would also like to say that this is a very good piece of work ... powerful in it's simplicity. And I definitely do agree with your definition of poetry, and thank you for stating it. This piece evoked memories for me, too. Great work! warmhrt |
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