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Critical Analysis #1
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Very Bad Mood
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Very Bad Mood |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
It's always the same an incessant barrage of futility Unending and unyielding until my own heart cries out for mercy She sees it in my eyes teethes on the spark of pain Knowing too well her motives I am bound to the smile that hides the fangs Courage hides so well lost with memories and fearful of change Courage turns inside out Irony becomes a sick joke an excuse for those left with only the shackles they used to bind themselves No victor in the battle whether with her or with myself certainly I would run but I remain crucified by hope staring blankly at the ground below knowing nothing and feeling everything ...to be continued |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ryan Whittington - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hawk, This is great! I can truly feel this, as I have felt it before. You did such a fine job of putting it into words. I have a piece I wrote along the same theme, but I'd have to do a hell of a lot of editing before I could post it. Again ... very nice work! |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Hawk ("ka-ka-ka!!!")...that's my impersonation of a Hawk swooping in for a fish dinner...don't ask why, little bored-just trying to amuse myself...now on to critiquing.... "It's always the same an incessant barrage of futility Unending and unyielding until my own heart cries out for mercy" Pretty good opener in my books, one suggestion though, consider using a different descrip. other than "heart cries out for mercy", it's a little overdone. Also "own" doesn't have to be there, already knew it was yours when you said "my". "She sees it in my eyes teethes on the spark of pain Knowing too well her motives I am bound to the smile that hides the fangs" Loved this stanza, great flow and imagery. "Courage hides so well lost with memories and fearful of change Courage turns inside out" Think of another word other than "hides" in the first line....only three words seperating the repetition, "...hides the fangs/ Courage hides...". Also you went from a graceful flow in the last stanza to an abrupt Tarzan'ian flow in this stanza, was it intentional or was that just how it turned out? Personally I don't mind flow change mid-poem, however the transition seemed clunky. Perhaps a format change with the flow change might eleviate it? DOn't know. Or maybe even go more abrupt to make it more noticeable, if that is the thing y'ar going for, ie. "Courage hid and memories lost feared change inside couraged out" Ya I know my rewrite stinks but its your damn poem  Anyways it's just there to maybe inspire."Irony becomes a sick joke an excuse for those left with only the shackles they used to bind themselves" I thought the first line seemed out of place...maybe because it seemed you were stating the obvious, irony is usually a sick joke. Also "they" in the last line is unnecessary. "No victor in the battle whether with her or with myself certainly I would run but I remain crucified by hope staring blankly at the ground below knowing nothing and feeling everything" Perhaps consider chopping down some of the lines in this stanza, some of the words seemed unnecessary such as the first "the", the second "with", "whether", and the second "I" so it would read... "No victor in battle with her or myself certainly I would run but remain crucified by hope staring blankly at the ground below knowing nothing and feeling everything" Pretty good offering, I enjoyed. Now I know you say it's to be continued but I still would like to add that the ending did seem to lack just a little "umpff" of closure to it. Myabe consider changing the "and" in the last line to "yet" and give it a line to itself, ie. "knowing nothing yet feeling everything." Just another wacky idea, yours to do with as you please. Anyways thanks for the good read, take care, Trevor |
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Ophelia Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19 |
Hawk: I don't totally agree with the fella above, I seemed to enjoy it more than to analyse it. Some of the extra words could be lost to improve the flow, but overall I like it. The last line of the poem is appropriate, where there is no closure in the theme of the poem, there is no closure in the physical ending of the poem. It leaves a feeling of sick hope...... Ophelia |
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angel6917 Member
since 2000-01-14
Posts 478WI |
Hawk: Wonderful poem! It's a feeling I've definately had before. Keep up the good work. Angel6917 |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Hawk... I love the depth in this. The introspection played from a conjugal battle-ground. I am sorrow to be behind Trevor on this on because he certainly wrapped up a fine critique. I differ with him only in the fact that the last line does not seem flat to me at all. It feels like resignation "knowing nothing and feeling everthing..." Yes I think it plays well that way... Very Strong Kudos Poet! ~haze |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Thank you all for the gracious comments...they certainly helped to ease the bad mood. Trevor...I really appreciate the CA...I think you are right about most of it and I'll be editing very soon. Thanks again... This Forum is a true treasure! Hawk |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I loved this stanza: "She sees it in my eyes teethes on the spark of pain Knowing too well her motives I am bound to the smile that hides the fangs" Nice work. "I'm not a fool. I'm not capable of being made a fool, not even by a woman...Let's just put it this way, she might have made a fool out of me, but she didn't fool my mother."--Norman Bates from Psycho |
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