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winterinblue
Junior Member

since 1999-12-29

Posts 32

0 posted 2000-01-17 04:10 AM

This barge is
a sinking court fatefully foul,
weighted down with a cargo of lies, formed
with lead, and poisoning every partaker. Bowlfuls
of tears leak like sieves through such vicious publicity
in the eye of this atrocity. Lucid through the haze
of these mysterious days, my former sweet
anonymity hovering, singing, just
beyond my reach, as I grovel,
licking dirty feet, pleading for the
string that would pull my sky ship back
down so I could fill its furling sails... now
knowing a crystalline unambiguous
discovery of soured
treacherous
betrayals

karneliann
Junior Member

since 1999-10-28

Posts 44
Baltimore, MD, USA

1 posted 2000-01-17 09:52 AM

this is magnificent! the rich, heavy, vivid portrait you painted is fabulous. i felt compelled to read this aloud, and the words just rolled off my tongue. the internal rhyme and word choice really struck me. i think this would sound great read aloud. i hope you have done so, or, if you haven't, you will take my suggestion.

however, i must admit that i'm not entirely sure what's going on in the poem. if the ship is sinking in the sky, then why does the speaker need to pull it down and fill it? and what are they filling it with? i also with i knew the significance of the "former sweet anonymity." i hope you'll take the time to enlighten me.

"My empire is of the imagination." -- She

Hawk183
Member

since 1999-12-24

Posts 130

2 posted 2000-01-17 07:08 PM

I am printing this one to read later...it has struck me as one that needs to be pondered over...I'll say more later...but my first read of it left my mouth hanging open.
I am not 100% sure yet...but I think it is wonderful!

Hawk

Rosemary J. Gwaltney
Senior Member

since 1999-08-26

Posts 997
northern mountains, Idaho

3 posted 2000-01-18 03:48 PM

I think it is about a life. I see two ships - the barge represents a complicated present disaster; the sky ship, a previous life of simple pleasures. Through struggles, you are grasping for your sky ship, for if its sails were unfurled, they could fill with air, (gas, if one is to be more realistic) and enable it to fly once again, so the previous life could be recaptured.

Does that come close?

[This message has been edited by Rosemary J. Gwaltney (edited 01-18-2000).]

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

4 posted 2000-01-18 08:27 PM

I thought that perhaps the "sky ship" was a kite, I got this impression from the shape of the poem.  It sort of looked like a kite I have seen, not the typical diamond-shape, but I can't always help my own first impressions.  I thought that the kite represented innocence that was lost and hence was sinking by the weight of reality.  Also there is "the
string that would pull my sky ship back
down", so I thought string of a kite. And a lot more sky imagery (like "hovering" etc.) than water imagery (was there any?)  I also thought that the kite was a metaphor for poetry because of the line "formed with lead" (like with a pencil) and some other stuff.

Am I way off or what?

Anyway, if I am way off then you might consider adding some water imagery to help us easily confused souls.  Either way, I liked it.

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