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Maricel's Graduation
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Maricel's Graduation |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The square hats of blue dispersed as I walked Through crowds of parents, brothers, sisters, friends I didn't know in a high school football stadium. We talked about it, said I'd try, I thought Myself a busy man twelve years ago. Arrived in time to see the last few stages Of this American rite, important to be A little late, an idiot once said. I knew she wouldn't be looking for me But I moved to the grass and searched this mesh Of suits and gowns and Sunday church dresses. The crowd parted (maybe there is a god). She stood about fourteen feet from where I scanned and judged -- a half-smile, a glance of leg. In slow, confident steps toward her lover, She quietly voiced: "Hey --" Her ex-partner came and grabbed from the right. He tried to kiss her but was given a cheek, "Your parents are over here, come with me." I stopped and looked at the sky, sighed and wiped My face, saw her best friend, hugged her instead. Your college boyfriend is so nice I would Later hear she said. A secret for twelve Of the fourteen months we'd been together. Nothing more to do, I walked to my car And heard my own steps on the sidewalk blocks, They echoed my thoughts, my own questions: Why He got to kiss and I was left with "Bye"? If I am bad for her is she good for me? How did she get to my car before I did? She sat on the hood, legs crossed, hands behind her, That half-smile as she finished: "Hey you. Let's go home." [This message has been edited by Brad (edited 01-17-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: This was enjoyable but have I read this one before? Maybe it's just deja vu. You've captured the awkwardness and the insecurity of the main character well. The only phrase that I think was or seemed out of place was the "(maybe there is a god)". It's not that I think it doesn't belong (I think it does) but, rather, I think the thought should be placed AFTER we know the main character beheld "Maricel (?)". Just my opinion. Oh yeah, and you made me see that half-smile. I'm a sucker for happy endings.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Exceptional, visual work here Brad. I have to agree with JB on this one..."(maybe there is a god)" does seem out of place and out of time with the rest. Lovely wrap...a happy ending...*g* EXTREME KUDOS BARD! Ta ~haze |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Brad, I found this to be a well written poem. I was so captivated by the story that I failed to see anything else. It was as if I were there, seeing everything through his (your) eyes. Excellent use of imagery and it just flowed from the first word to the very last...and yes, I too love the ending |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks for the replies. To this day, I still don't know how she (Maricel) even found my car that day. Brad |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
brad-- very, very nice work here. i thought some lines were a bit confusing, though: She stood about fourteen feet from where I scanned and judged -- a half-smile, a glance of leg, In slow, confident steps toward her lover. was she standing or walking? and: Your college boyfriend is so nice I would Later hear she said. A secret for twelve Of the fourteen months we'd been together. i think what you mean is that it was a secret you two were together? but it comes across at first (to me, anyway) like the secret was what the friend thought of you. anyway, i liked the 'surprise' ending, i was just as startled as you were to find her on the hood of the car, lol. as always, brad, an interesting and enjoyable read. very well done! jenni |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
not in any way sucking up, i think that this is probably my favorite. some of it seems a little awkward (i think that has to do with the line breaks) but i love the story behind it. The crowd parted (maybe there is a god). She stood about fourteen feet from where I scanned and judged -- a half-smile, a glance of leg, In slow, confident steps toward her lover. She quietly voiced: "Hey --" Her ex-partner came and grabbed from the right. He tried to kiss her but was given a cheek, "Your parents are over here, come with me." i thought that the narrator was the lover? is it the ex-partner? this part confuses me. overall, i think that it's an excellent poem. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jenni, You got me. You're right about the standing, walking stanza. I've changed the punctuation so as to make that a bit clearer. I just remembered, I've still got to defend the Carpet Layer -- and read and comment on a lot of other poems. The secret part is meant to mean both but both are, in a certain sense, the same thing. Jim, You have a point about the god phrase but I wanted to keep the church, parted thing all together. I'll think about it. Roxane, Some of the awkwardness is slightly intended -- the narrator is the secret lover and the ex-partner is still friends with the family. Back then, one person just asked me -- "Brad, why can't you just have a normal relationship?" I was playing around with public/private -- secrets and wants and how they all sort of influence each other. I'll explain more as soon as I have more time (yikes, the wife is returning). I also have a poem about my wife that'll pop up here sooner or later. Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Brad, This is a good story, nice imaging, and the twist at the end is great! The only thing that kind of bugs me is the first stanza. I realize it sets the stage, the mood ... but something is lacking. You're a good poet, I know you could say this a bit differently. It just sounds clinical, without feeling, which the rest of the piece has plenty of. Jim, Brad should leave "maybe there is a god" just where it is, and in parentheses. It fits so well with "The crowd parted", as in a biblical reference. Separating them would perhaps break that reference. Good work, Brad. I sincerely enjoyed reading this. warmhrt |
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Seoulair Senior Member
since 2008-03-27
Posts 807Seoul S.Korea |
I like this one. A clear story. A clear story. How interesting that I went back to your new poems many, many times "the strip", "Mt.Halla" to dig something deeper. A clear poem, twice reading is enough. right? |
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