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Critical Analysis #1
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patchoulipumpkin
Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196
Bermuda

0 posted 2000-01-16 09:54 PM




I see her everywhere I go
Her face, eyes that search you
Look through
For something

I met her last week
At a bar
A cliché
But we both smiled

We talked
Laughed
Spoke of our lives
As fools
And mild paranoiacs

And it was there
Something
You could feel it
But the bar closed
And she left

It was over
Right when it had just started

But I saw her again
At a fruitstand
She liked oranges
More than grapefruits
I said they don’t compare
She laughed
And said you were probably right
They were different

I offered her a grape
She didn’t like them
Although she did like wine, she said
I said they don’t compare
She said they did
They were the same
I said they were different

We had our first fight
A little unresolved
She went for the bananas
While I went for the apples

There was something
So I hustled my courage
To talk to her about bananas
But she had gone

It was over
As soon as it had started

I didn’t see her for quite some time
I looked for her on buses
In taxis
On sidewalks
In small cafes
She couldn’t be found

Then in class one day
I turned around
She was sitting right behind me
“Hi”, I said
“Hi”, she said
I wanted to tell her I had seen her
Before
And we had talked about fruit
Our paranoia
And our lives

But it didn't matter
Somehow she already knew
Even though she wasn't there

© Copyright 2000 patchoulipumpkin - All Rights Reserved
J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
1 posted 2000-01-16 11:02 PM


Patch,
  I sympathize. Isn't it times like the ones you describe here what make it worth leaving the house in the morning? I loved this one very good theme, I wish I had thought of it. Keep up the good work.
                   J.L.H.

 Jason
I...I have seen the best minds of my generation...
--Allen Ginsberg

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

2 posted 2000-01-17 12:44 PM


patch,
Great concept, great piece!  I shop for things, put them in the cart, and then she puts half of them back!  Geez, can I relate to this.
Really nice work!

warmhrt


[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-17-2000).]

jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
3 posted 2000-01-17 08:24 PM


patch--

a very intriguing piece here.  i absolutely loved the fruit-stand paragraphs, thought they were witty and brilliant.  

one thing, though, i thought the line "right when it had just started" was a little redundant; i'd maybe say "right when it started", or set up a repetition of "as soon as it started" like you have later.  just a thought...

very well done, patch, i liked this one.  

jenni

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