Hey, I'm new... but be honest

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LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

0 posted 2000-01-16 07:19 PM

Hey, I've made some posts in the teen room, but I'm new to the critical analysis room. Be honest, but be kind :0)

Precious Dreams

I look into those eyes
That will never look in mine
I wish that you would look at me
Just once, just one time
But I know this will never be
Maybe it isn’t God’s will
That I will be happy this soon
But I go on praying still
Praying those eyes would look into mine
That they would search my soul
I wish this more than anything else
This would make my life whole
I look into those beautiful eyes
Those beautiful eyes of blue
I would give my heart, my soul
For just one glimpse from you
Sometime, I think I see those eyes
Looking deep into mine
And I’m filled with happiness
Knowing the love I’ll find
And then, I awake and know
That none of this was real
And no words written can describe
The disappointment and pain I feel
But now, I live from one dream to the next
I live for this perfect land
Where you look at me with those beautiful eyes
But, all dreams crumble into sand
And then, I’ll be back where I was before
Praying and wishing in vain
For something that I can’t have
And going through all this pain
But, when I can’t take it anymore
And when all hope is gone, it seems
I just wait for those precious moments I sleep
I live life for my dreams < !signature-->

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world"

[This message has been edited by LoveBug (edited 01-16-2000).]

Kirk T Walker
Member

since 2000-01-13

Posts 357
Liberty, MO

1 posted 2000-01-16 07:35 PM

Welcome to the forum, I'm pretty new myself.
Nice poem in simple, sincere verse. I like the rhyme, but I'm a sucker for sound. In line 17 I think you meant sometimes. And I thought that beautiful eyes twice was too repetitive. There are a lot of adjectives that can give real character to eyes, I would search diligently for the right one.

angel6917
Member

since 2000-01-14

Posts 478
WI

2 posted 2000-01-17 04:05 PM

Your poem sounded so sweet. I think you used the term "beautiful eyes" one too many times, but other than that, your poem was great. I hope you like forum- so far I do, and I'm new, too.

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

3 posted 2000-01-17 06:29 PM

Thanks for advice. I do seem to go on about his beautiful eyes,don't I? < !signature-->

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world"

[This message has been edited by LoveBug (edited 01-17-2000).]

Hawk183
Member

since 1999-12-24

Posts 130

4 posted 2000-01-17 07:01 PM

LoveBug,

Welcome!
I have to echoe the above about the repetion of the beautiful eyes, however I found the rest of the piece a gentle breeze of sincerity and longing. Nice work...keep it up.

Hawk

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

5 posted 2000-01-17 08:02 PM

lovebug--

very nice! you have a refreshingly simple and direct style that fairly sings, and you can really make the reader's heart (my heart, anyway, lol) reach out to you. one thing i might try with this piece? try paring it down to half as long as it is now; i thought the first 16 lines especially were somewhat repetitive in places, and i think it would be a little more effective if it's tightened up just a bit. just a thought...

you have a wonderful, heart-felt poem here, thanks for sharing it with us!

jenni

[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-17-2000).]

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