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Fighting the Death
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Fighting the Death |
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Ophelia Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19 |
The dark flower, with fire in her eyes, Sees only the hate, hears only the cries. In a war that kills, with soldiers that lie. She fights with them all, the last had to die. He pleaded with her, he wanted his life, She spit in his face and drew out her knife. With her graceful body and blood red lips Yet fire spews forth from her fingertips. His last tear was an enduring blood stain. She will travel alone with vengeful pain. A slender physique, and wild black hair, There's pain in her frame, hatred in her stare. She's been hurt and blamed, wronged by every kind, Controlled and abused, love and hate combined. No one can save her, she's lost in her mind. Now her hatred for love has made her blind. And the fire of hate, love, hurt, and lust, Will always combine to form her mistrust. And the fire rages more than assumed, Reaching for heaven, their souls are consumed. [This message has been edited by Ophelia (edited 01-16-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ophelia - All Rights Reserved | |||
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karneliann Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44Baltimore, MD, USA |
i'm always inspired when women are able to express anger. i feel that it can be empowering to portray women as violent, altho many people are disturbed by it. i really think you pulled it off. it makes me sad, however, that this beautiful woman seems doomed. i don't think you need the word "blood" before "stain" in line 9. you just used it two lines before, and if you take it out the meter runs more smoothly. "stain" seems descriptive enough to me. what do you think? "My empire is of the imagination." -- She |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
this is a very moving piece, though i'm actually somewhat afraid to delve too deep into its actual meaning... might find something that would revive that fearful twitch in my eye *heh*... it is a very powerful work though... bravo  and i hope to see more of your work soon...sincerely, **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Powerful, indeed, Ophelia, and oh so dark! I assume "eduring" is simply a typo. The only thing that bothered me was the change in Lines 12, 13, and 14 to a five stress metric pattern, whereas every other line had four. Congrats! It's never too late to have a happy childhood ... |
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Ophelia Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19 |
Hey everyone... Just for clarification; 'eduring', (and hopefully I spelled it right , was placed before blood stain to mean that the soldier's, or her last victim's, tear left a mark in her memory. Maybe 'lasting' would work better. As for the meter, or rythm of the piece, I was aiming for ten sylables a line, and of course the simple rhyme scheme. Any suggestions to make it read smoother would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for the imput...Ophelia |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
no no ophelia, the word fits perfectly, john was just pointing out that the word is spelled "eNduring"... it means exactly what you want it to... dont change a thing  **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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Ophelia Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19 |
OOOOHHH!!! It has been spelled correctly now! I am so silly and have always been awful at spelling. ANY corections are deeply appreciated, and thank you both! ***Ophelia blushes deeply and is thankful you all can not see*** Ophelia |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
it's more than alright ophelia... this is how we learn... i once gave an entire speech prounouncing the word "stifle" with a soft I, making it "stiffle"... i said it over 8 times during the speech and my friends told me afterwards... it's no wonder i didn't place well in the contest... we live and we learn anyway, the important thing is the poem itself (its message) and that, dear ophelia, is quite beautiful...sincerely, **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i like the imagery of this poem, and i like the main character of it. there are just a couple things i noticed. blood red lips blood red i think is used too often. maybe a different word here. There's pain in her frame, hatred in her stare. She's been hurt and blamed, wronged by every kind, Controlled and abused, love and hate combined. No one can save her, she's lost in her mind. Now her hatred for love has made her blind. And the fire of hate, love, hurt, and lust, you use a lot of the same words over here. i'm not suggesting that you find synonyms but rather find a way of expressing this crucial part without using the same words. over all, i think it's a good poem, and you kept the rhyme pretty much the whole way through. |
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