»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Keep
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Keep |
|
|
Ophelia Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19 |
A fermentation of emotion: All I want, is what I have looked upon before, and shunned. It tantalizes my senses and drives me to the only brink. I shall never return, even when I choose to breathe. Heaven will be no peace. Hell is the place where desire builds, until it explodes... into hatred giving no release. Sorrow tears at my trust. And a campaign builds in this mind, to free a thought, an emotion, a pain. As I lay here with idle thoughts in my mind, the reflections of myself are painted; they are burgundy in the night. To take the plunge, to delve in to the depths of our minds, do we leave behind our gaurded walls? Or clasp the hands of grief, and kiss, embrace, and emote our precious beings? Keep this pain, this sorrow, this intensity of love. [This message has been edited by Ophelia (edited 01-16-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Ophelia - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
ophelia: yet another moving work from your pen... mournful yet powerful at once... the only criticism i have is a personal preference... i can't help but think that the line "torn is my trust" should be revamped a little... for some reason i really want to see some kind of double meaning there, a metaphor or something... perhaps objectify your "trust" by placing it in something other than what you formerly did... "Sorrow is my trust" comes to mind when i think about it... i dont know if this made much sense, it's late... but think about it... can't wait to read more of your works here... i'll keep an eye (or a browser window) open for them... sleepy in searcy,< !signature--> **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in [This message has been edited by poetry_kills (edited 01-16-2000).] |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
This is an extreamly powerful piece. It almost shouts its lines when you read it. I found myself emphasizing some of the words very strongly in my mind while reading it. One think I'm not sure I care fo is the brackets around "(and shunned)" to me they distract from the poem as my mind wants to stop and put a break there where no break is needed. I agree with poetry_kills on the line "Torn is my trust" also. I think since you've taken the trouble to set that line alone, it should have a bit more meaning or be a bit more powerful in its nature. One portion that really cried out to me was "As I lay here with idle thoughts in my mind, the reflections of myself are painted; they are burgundy in the night. To take the plunge, to delve in to the depths of our minds, do we leave behind our gaurded walls?" How many of us at one time or another have dismised our random thoughs because we feared exploring them further. I think that's a very strong portion in this poem and very well written. Overall, I found it a good read  |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Ophelia, A great piece here! You are a very talented writer who knows exactly how to use her voice. I do, however agree with the others about the the line "Torn is my trust". Just suggestions, how about: "My trust now severed" or "My faith divided" ... which would go along with the heaven/hell theme above. Take or leave, just personal opinion. I would leave the parentheses ... I think the slight pause fits, and appears to be what you intended. This is a potent piece, Ophelia, as has been the other work I have read of yours. I have very much enjoyed reading them, and look forward to MORE! warmhrt |
||
|
Ophelia Junior Member
since 2000-01-12
Posts 19 |
Owl, poetry_kills, and warmhrt: Thanks you guys for the wonderful encouragement. I have edited it a bit, I found that just setting the line, 'and shunned', apart from the rest of the line was enough.... still gives the same meaning, but is more attractive to the eye. And poetry_kills: I think you will like the line now... a little modified, or a combination of my intent and your suggestion. Let me know what you think. Again, thank you all. Ophelia |
||
|
poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
ophelia: i like  **jerome the boy whose brain got left out in the rain and nobody bothered to dry it off when they put it back in |
||
|
Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
I like also... There are very few people who have the gift of expression(most of the in CA I think) and you certainly allow us to see(and feel)yours. Great piece! Hawk |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
