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I've Layed Silent
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I've Layed Silent |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I’ve Layed Silent by Kirk T Walker I‘ve layed silent on my pillow, Heard her suffering, straining cries, I longed to hold her, dry her eyes. She layed weeping as a willow. I suffer the insaning pain Of the sound of one loved weeping With pale tear drops gently sweeping Away at her face like the rain. I will move my hand through the air, Feel the warmth around her space. She will feel me, too, near her face. Her pale teardrops will still run there. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Kirk T Walker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Enotneicna Member
since 1999-06-06
Posts 340Oakland, Or, USA |
I like this very much......but it just doesn't seem finished. It left me hanging, waiting for more. Words are my medicine. Read and live and love and heal! |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
In response to Enotneicna: So far everyone that I have showed this poem to has said that they felt it lacked completeness. I tried to remedy this by making the stanzas shift tense (past for the 1st, present for the 2nd, and future for the 3rd). Maybe I need to try something else. Thanks for the comments. |
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karneliann Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 44Baltimore, MD, USA |
i agree that this poem seems unfinished, but i enjoyed it nonetheless. it seems beautiful and quiet yet painful to me. i can't help but make one comment, tho. something that interrupted the flow of the poem for me was the use of the word "layed." i don't mean to be a stickler, but shouldn't the word be "lain" in the title and first line, and just play "lay" in the fourth? it seems to run smoother to me with the grammar that way. i can definitely understand that people take liberties with grammar in poetry (i do it myself!), but in this context it didn't work for me. what do you think? keep up the good work! "My empire is of the imagination." -- She |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
In response to karneliann: That's okay, I wouldn't post my poems here if I didn't want the "sticklers" to pick at them. The truth is, where I come from we don't use proper grammar. ha ha. Anyway, if you want to be really technical "layed" is not only the wrong tense, but also it is spelled wrong (it should be "laid"). Thanks for the comments, and I encourage you to keep alerting me and others to grammar, spelling, etc. errors. It doesn't hurt to be aware at all, especially if it is not on purpose. Thanks for your comments. |
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