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Critical Analysis #1
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untitled (suggestions?)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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untitled (suggestions?) |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
this is a bit different than what i usually throw out, but oh well sunlight glistening, dancing 123, 123 off the surface the bubbling, playing, flowing surface of the shallow stream -like glass- reflection playing in the ripples but put in your feet and you quickly feel the rocky bottom -no more- and only your feet are wet sunlight stopping, resting 1 . . . on the surface the quiet, boring, lustless surface of the deep lake -like wood- reflection lost in the ripples but jump in and you never feel the gentle bottom -ever more- and your entire body is wet (well? i liked the stream but it wasn't as fun as the lake who'd have thought?) "freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." -janis joplin |
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| © Copyright 2001 rich cooper - All Rights Reserved | |||
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Some of your imagery is a little dull... like glass in particular. Also, reflection playing in the ripples... can't it do anythign besides play? That's so overused. And in stanza 2, how can the reflection be lost in the ripples if the surface is dull and flat? Just a few things... Other than that, I like this... the end is really nice- not quite ironic, but amusing. You are more than the sum of what you consume |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
Feels to me like you have the beginning of something really cool here but it needs a little refining... the imagery rocked back and forth a bit. As for title... how about Lakeside Waltz (lol) boy I suck at titles... I'll leave that up to someone else to suggest.  -jaimie Website: www.ladysixstring.com |
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