»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
untitled
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
untitled |
|
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Is it reasonable to expect a moments hesitation at the lumber aisle of a home improvement store would have greater significance than years of looking both ways before crossing finally quitting smoking and the benefits of cholesterol lowering bran? A mob of red cedar planks jumped from their overhead shelf to pound a twenty six year old man onto the granite floor of the warehouse killing him instantly while his identical twin less than ten inches away fought them off and lived. Subtle choices have abstruse consequences I once coughed too hard And collapsed the left lobe in my lung. Jeen [This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 07-19-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
ok...this one has me thinking, very profound. I like the rythm here...rambling. I have some Salvia Divinorum(don't ask  ) and I think this poem will be on my mind most of the day. Wondering if this actually happended? Thanks for the read.[This message has been edited by Hawk183 (edited 07-19-2001).] |
||
|
Great Below Junior Member
since 2001-07-17
Posts 13Massachusetts, USA |
I enjoyed the situation presented in this poem but I felt as if the structure was a little to lose and some of the language could be more accurate. Such as the twins, did they have any emotions you could possibly express or was it just quick thinking. A good start but I believe you could really expand on some of the themes and possibly create a whole poetic history for these characters, just an idea, overall nice work and keep the poems coming. |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
This is a true story...it happened at a Home Depot in Danbury Connecticut. (And my lung really did collapse just like that) It stuck with me, the randomness of tradgedy and how common events like standing near an aisle or coughing could have fatal effects on one yet the same event could leave another unscathed. Jeen |
||
Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
Oh my gosh....how tragic...this just goes to show how we all must live our lives to the fullest...everyday...you never know what might befall you. Great read...kept my attention! Clap clap clap! |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The only thing I would suggest changing is the first four lines. They are kind of awkward... I think line one needs a 'that' at the end of it.... and you could probably just omit line four to tighten up the flow... when you say lumer aisle, I already ahve the impression of a home-improvement store. Other than that, I really like this.... you really capture the randomness of tragedy... I like the flow in this... it's a little looser, a little softer-edges than some of your other stuff, but hits really hard all the same because when I read it, I got the impression that it just came off the pen and just happenned to be so tight, like the analogy of the twins and the lungs wasn't intended when you wrote it but it just came out so well... I also just enjoyed the randomness of the ideas in the lines. You are more than the sum of what you consume |
||
|
FaeryKynn Junior Member
since 2001-07-23
Posts 10Sanatoga, PA, USA |
hmmm good word use, painted the picture wonderfully. Intersting topic - then again randomness of tragedy always is, you just thought to write poetry of it. Bravo, I say. The writing itself is a bit choppy in my humble opinion and needs just a bit more emotional tie in (even though the last two lines threw a good punch). All in all i enjoyed it and it'll make me watch my stepo a bit more today. thank you If our fingers touch and hearts collide... I'll be a moonsbreath by your side |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jeen, in another thread you said: "Sometimes it is hard to get objective critiscm. You won't find that here." I know this is off topic but I was wondering you could explain this a bit more. I don't understand it. Thanks, Brad |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Brad I mentioned in an earlier post that this is a true set of events, and really what tied them together was that nothing could have foretold what occured. Under reasonable or normal circumstances the odds against them happening are great. In the first instance, I imagined that this man might have lived his life carefully, giving up vices in an effort to live longer. Yet in the end he was ambushed by death while his brother was merely bruised. Because the death of this man was caused by an external event, I thought I would show that an internal event could also cause a consequence that one would not expect. Which brings me to my last line. Choices have abstruse, hard to understand, hidden meanings within them. He could have stayed home, I could have drank a glass of water and perhaps averted the cough. Maybe that would have changed the outcome for both of us or maybe it was destiny. I wrote the poem loosely, because there were no answers for me. If I didn't convey that, help me to know how I might express that better. Jeen |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Brad I reread your post and realized you were asking a completely different question. DUH Don't I feel dumb. I like getting critiqued on my poetry, and thats what I was trying to say. I can't remember where I wrote it, but I remember writting it. I believe I was referring to the poem I wrote with the difficult title. Although I didn't get as many responses as I usually do on that one, the ones I got were really helpful. I really felt strongly about writing on that topic even though it was uncomfortable for many to read. I also appreciated that the mods did not pull it. That would have really swept the content under the rug, and I felt that the subject matter has been discussed so frequently that it has removed horror from the situation. Anyway I hope that answered your question. I think I should have had another cup of coffee before I started reading. Jeen |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks, I didn't understand the first part. This poem has tremendous potential. Clean up the verbiage a bit and juxtapose the images without transitions (maybe thinking about making it longer and exploring the tension a bit) but all in all a good poem. W.C Williams fan? Brad |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Thanks for the advice. Now back to the dreaded rewrite!!!!! Jeen |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Questions unanswered: William Carlos Williams? Not playing a game, just curious? Brad |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Brad I actually started to answer that, but assumed you just put it as an after thought. The difficulty with computers is that you can't see expressions or the hear anothers inflection in their speech to know what is meant behind the words. To answer the question...I am not a fan of his. I like Nickki Giovanni, Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Diane Ackerman, Donald Hall, Jane Kenyon...mostly the confessional poets. I have a question for you, in your critique you gave me some general suggestions, can you be more specific (what sentence or words should be changed or are confusing). Thanks Jeen |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
