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The Gemini
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Gemini |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now 
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The Gemini I am Your Air Imagination and Fantasy I am Your Breath Aromatic and Caressing I am Your Zephyr Curious and Enchanting I am Your Gust Passionate and Astonishing I am Your Whirlwind Teasing and Transforming I am Your Gale Laughing and Outspoken I am Your Tempest Frenzied and Unpredictable I am Your Tornado Tantalizing and Dangerous Janette (C) October 25, 2000 |
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| © Copyright 2001 Janette - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Jeanette Welcome. I hope you'll love this forum as much as I do. Sometimes it is hard to get objective critiscm. You won't find that here. Nice read too. Jeen |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I won't critique this just now, I need to spend a little more time looking it over, but I did want to Welcome you to Passions! [This message has been edited by Sunshine (edited 07-20-2001).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Janette, And welcome to Critical Analysis. Check you email for a message. One small thing about this poem bothered me a little. The whole is well structured but in line 3 of the first stanza, you used 2 nouns. In all the other corresponding lines, you used adjectives. Was that intentional? I know it's probably a small thing but for some reason it just bothered me. Pete |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
Jeen, Thank you for the welcome and your kind words, "Nice read too." |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
Sunshine, Thank you for the welcome and I look forward to your future critique of my poem. Janette |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
Not A Poet, Thank you for the welcome and email, too. The use of two nouns...imagination and fantasy...was intentional. I am impressed, you do have an "Eagle Eye." I am a Gemini, an experimenter, one who collects, connects and communicates. Thus I felt that the words...imagination and fantasy...best describes me, a Gemini, which is one of the Air signs. The twelve signs of the zodiac are grouped into four categories, which are basic tendencies of temperament, the way one approaches life. Here are the groups: Fire-Aries, Leo & Sagittarius...Earth-Taurus, Virgo & Capricorn...Water-Cancer, Scorpio, & Pisces...Air-Gemini, Libra & Aquarius. So does it still bother you...my use of two nouns at the start of this poem? Thanks again for commenting. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
No, it doesn't bother me. It was just an observation. I suspected you might have done the intentionally. But thanks for the explanation. Pete |
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**lost** Junior Member
since 2001-07-16
Posts 32ma |
i like this. the idea that while someone/thing can have such a profound and positive effect on another, and at the same reversing the good but creating "bad". good job! maybe im missing the whole point, that could be true, it seems a little to easy to relate to, i most likely am not seeing it the "right" way but the way i am is very profound to me. confused among strangers, |
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epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Nice read, interesting way of describing a fellow air sign such as yourself. Me, I'm a libra but I believe that I'm best represented by the scales. Balance in life is so good.... I thought this was quite unique. I would have tried to put a little more description into it though. If you are describing yourself to the world, why not make a rather grand impression? Welcome to pip P. J. Kotrch |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Welcome Janette...  It's an interesting format you've chosen here. However - I feel it's too rigid...and much too based on telling not showing. The entire poem consists only of describing words. Perhaps you could use imagery to better utilise these concepts? That would mean changing the whole form of your poem, and you may not want to do that. Here's a suggestion - why don't you write an image-based poem as an alternative and compare the two to see which you like better? Maybe bring it here for comments?  K |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
Lost "Profound" is an excellent response to my poem and I am very flattered that you have told me this...thank you for using that word to me! Janette |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
epoet I am glad you found this little poem of mine "unique." Now as far as additional "descriptions" about me...well...a gal does not want to reveal ALL of herself at once...and I find that it is always more fun to leave a slight air of mystery about ones self, don't you agree? I think a person's writing reveals much about them. So if you are curious to know more about me, you can go to the "Poetry for Adults" section and read my poem, "Passion," if you would like to. Thank you for taking the time to critique me....I do appreciate it! Janette |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I agree that this is too rigid. all the concept words only give a vague conception of what the speaker is talking about... I don't really feel like I have anything to hold onto in this, nothing solid. Also, the end doesn't particularly tie anything up, it just left me hanging. Now, about the capitalization... it kinda bugged me, because capitalization is intended to imply a certain importance about a word, like, you should really pay attention to that word. Making every other word in your poem that important eventually makes it seem too blunt... like, if someone smashed my toe with a hammer once, you bet I'd remember it. But if I got smashed 20 times, I wouldn't remember each individual time as vividly as I should because it all becomes a routine... I hope that makes some sense. You are more than the sum of what you consume |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
Hush Interesting observation...toes being hammered...Ouch! I have concluded you definitely did not care for the style I used for this poem, but that is okay. When writing this poem I was thinking of things in nature that have to do with "air" and then I added human actions, descriptions, emotions, etc. to these things that reflect me, who I am. By starting out with the gentleness of "Air...Breath" and building up to the most powerful, a "Tornado", I was attempting to show a progression. I am originally from Kansas and have seen tornados in all of their wonderment and power, thus I felt that element in nature was the best to conclude with because they are dangerous, just like people can be also. This poem was meant to be fun and simple, not a heavy serious piece of work. And I do thank you for taking the time to read it, critique it and give me your honest thoughts on it. |
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Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
Severn Thank you for your comments and I am glad you found the format that I used "interesting". I will think about your suggestion of writing an "image-based" poem to use to compare to this one. |
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