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warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 2001-07-26 06:17 PM

facing internal, imbedded fears,
needs of the ego,
demands of society,
nursing trust, intimacy disequilebriums,
the mind's defensive machinery
builds fences, walls;
constructs elaborate
coats of armor;
outside of
conscious awareness.

I know
that we are forever
able to grow,
to learn,
a lifetime process,
I can try to do what I must
to shake off this this armor,
break down,
through these walls,
or, at the very least,
I may open a door,
and let you in.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

Janette

Member Elite

since 2001-07-20

Posts 2843
Chicagoland for now

1 posted 2001-07-27 05:29 AM

Great sentiments!

I could feel the shielding of one's self from the world yet in the end wanting to trust enough to allow someone in. Very touching...

I love the words "nursing trust", I got a great visual with that one.

But I must admit I had never seen "dis" used with the word
d i s e q u i l i b r i u m...you have a spelling error there, which I am sure is a typing thing.

My suggestions:
Eliminate the commas after the words "down" and "or" as illustrated here.

break down
through these walls,
or at the very least,

Nice read, thanks for sharing.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2001-07-27 11:37 AM

Hi Kris,

I too like the sentiment or message here. It does require (for me anyway) at least a second reading to fully grasp what you are saying. I think my first reaction was windedness. That first stanza almost has to be read in one breath and I had a hard time doing that the first time around. The second stanza is similar too but did read a little easier for me.

It might be easier to grasp if you took out a couple of the commas and substituted and instead. I'll use the first stanza as an example without changing any other wording.

   facing internal, imbedded fears,
   needs of the ego,
   demands of society,
   nursing trust [and] intimacy disequilebriums,
   the mind's defensive machinery
   builds fences [and] walls
   [and] constructs elaborate
   coats of armor
   outside of
   conscious awareness.

Well, I also changed one semicolon to and and removed the other one entirely.

Of course, you understand that this is all JMHO but it does read a little easier for me. Other than that sort of thing, I don't see any other changes to make.

Thanks for the read.

Pete

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 2001-07-27 09:11 PM

Janette,

Thanks...I appreciate your critique and your suggestions. Disequilebrium is a word used in psychoanalytic, or pschological, terms.

In reference to the punctuation, I suppose all I can say is I'm a bit old school when it comes to that issue.

Thanks again for your input.

Pete,

Hello there...

Sorry the first stanza wore you out..

I see what you are saying about the "ands", but everyone is always telling me to pare down my words, so that is why I did it in the format it is in.

I thank you, kind sir, for your time and effort put into the critique. Always nice to see you.

Kris

"It is wisdom to know others;
It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu

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