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A Silver Medal Eulogy (Sonnet and Free-verse for Haze)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Silver Medal Eulogy (Sonnet and Free-verse for Haze) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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I lay this silver medal on your chest But, though I know what silver represents, I’ll never think of you as second best. In times reserved for youthful innocence, My ignorance of serious consequence Concealed my sense of mortal weakness. Now All veils are vanquished, leaving no defense Against this gift new knowledge does endow. That even now my earnest, tear filled vow Is shattered, battered by this awful truth: I might forget you. With a furrowed brow I think of you and troubled days of youth, And hope that passing time does not upend Undying friendship for a dying friend. *** And now a rare treat ... Jim does free-verse: *** My dearest friend they said you fell and I too young naïve to worry went about my summer play. You would be okay. But now I lay this silver medal on your chest and though I know what silver represents I’ll never think of you as second best. Those times are gone times for youthful innocence and ignorant bliss a shield from pains of life and death. You were not okay. So now I lay this silver medal on your chest and though I know what silver represents I’ll never think of you as second best. You saw me win that silver medal, cheered me on One more! One more! and when I lost and hung my head in shame you said, It will be okay. Although I wore that silver medal on my chest and knowing what that silver represents you never thought of me as second best. But even now my tear filled vow is shattered, battered by an awful, guilty fear. Not of living life without you, no a fear more fierce: I fear I might forget you. With tears, I lay this silver medal on your chest and though I know what silver represents I vow to never think of you as second best. Fifteen years have passed and thinking back of summers silver medals and best friends I smiled. I did not forget you. I laid that silver medal on your chest and though I knew what silver represents I never thought of you as second best. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-14-2000).] |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Jim, This is very sad and very beautiful. The form is exellent and the words convey a very deep sense of loss. Any friend would be honored to have this read at their time of passing. Hawk |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jim,teacher, I should have waited till morning...tired and sore, but it seems to be a moving tribute to a friend, who, until he was dying, you did not realize was such a friend. I like the way you reworded the addage that youth think themselves immortal. You do have a talent, sir. Grasshopper |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Just too, too good, Jim. The understated intensity of this piece really moved me. Very well done rhyme structure. Classic sonnet feel. Do you get the message I kind of liked it? One thing - and this is not a criticism - the word sough did not look right to me. Yes, it rhymes. Yes, it means exactly what you wanted to say. But for some strange reason it still don't look right. I see a pig that isn't there. Regards, John. It's never too late to have a happy childhood ... |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
As usual Jim, your rhyme and meter are just spot on. The format seems perfect and the content is touching. Thanks. Pete |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Jim, This is (as always) a powerful poem of emotional truth, beauty, & sadnesss. Through it all you maintain your adherence to form. Excellent work my friend. Peace. ~haze |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Okay now ... I know that just about everyone except for Brad is afraid to take a shot at one of my sonnets (and Jenni too and pendantic Philip if he ever comes back), I now give you the rare opportunity to take your shots at my weak suit.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
WOW! JB -the refrain between stanzas is excellent...it plays like a song (Who said songs didn't make good poems?-Not I said the cat) Your voice in this is true, the phrasing honest & heart-felt. The movement between the stages of OK hits home fabulously. If I was going to dice this (and I won't- just cause) I might change the first "You would be ok" to "thought you'd be ok" as just a minor-meter point. Think you can't write free-verse...Think again! Excellent work, my poet friend! |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jim-- simply beautiful. i liked this piece better than the one about your son, actually. why? four powerful words in line 11: "i might forget you." i think the word "sough" is a bit unfortunate, though, i have to agree with john here. lines 4 though 6 -- In times reserved for youthful innocence, My ignorance of serious consequence Concealed my sense of mortal weakness.... -- also seem a little strained. technically, they are perfect (with some of those bastards you were talking about yesterday at pete's poem, lol). but, i don't know, they seem a bit dry, too intellectual, or something. (a bit like looking outside and saying, "it appears as if we are experiencing precipitation in the metropolitan area" rather than, simply, "it's raining.") perhaps the intellectualism lends additional power to "i might forget you", the naked, emotional admission in line 11... i'll think about that. but to go right back to "sough" after the speaker's emotions finally poked through... well, it just seems too jarring. overall, though, i truly loved this piece. excellent, excellent work, jim. jenni |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
geez, just as i write my post, you put up another version, just to make me do it all over again, lol. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hawk, WH (Grasshopper), and Pete: Thanks you all kindly.  John & Jenni: Gotcha on the sow ... er ... sough. See if you like this better. Haze: Thanks about the sonnet and about (and for the inspiration for) the free-verse. It gave me the chance to say what I wanted to say. Question about the "minor meter point": YOU / would BE / o- KAY THOUGHT / you'd BE / o- KAY Can't see the difference. Am I missing something? Jenni (again): This sonnet is largely about me (those onion layers Haze keeps mentioning). You would be amazed at the lengths I would go to say "It's raining". Think about that when reading this.Thanks again everyone. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Oh, Jim! The free verse is wonderful, so much more expressive and moving than the structured cage of the sonnet. (I had previously read only the sonnet.) Keep it up, teach, and soon you will learn to love the creativity that free verse allows. Again, congratulations on a great piece ... a gold medal for this one, I would think! warmhrt *bows, arms and hands extended* p.s. It was truly a rare treat |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
jim-- well... in some respects i like the sonnet better. i absolutely LOVE the "new" parts in the free verse, i think they are excellent. unlike haze, however, i don't like the repetition of the silver medal lines. they certainly do have power the third time around (and, i recognize, a power they wouldn't have if it weren't the third repetition), but i think the lines lose a little when repeated the fourth time, and don't really hold the eye or attention the fifth and final time. this is probably just a matter of personal taste, though. without getting into the whole songs as poetry thing, this would make a wonderful song, i think. i liked the repetition of the different "ok" lines, that was very effective in moving the piece along, giving it drama. one advantage of the free verse over the sonnet is that you explained the story behind the silver medal (although i guess you could have done this in the sonnet if you wanted to). one confusing thing, though, and this simply could be jenni being dense... when was the medal laid on the friend's chest? in the present time? or 15 years ago? this is a little confused in the free verse. the sonnet in this respect had more power, i thought... in the sonnet, the gift of the medal is now, in the present, and the speaker is worried that he might, someday, forget his friend. in the free verse, at times it seems like that is the case, but then the last verse makes it seem like 15 years have gone by, the medal has already been given, the speaker hasn't forgotten, and the drama and conflict have all been nicely resolved. i'm not sure this is a good thing; leaving the conflict unresolved -- especially when that conflict is fear of forgetting -- lends more emotional power to the piece, i think. overall, i guess i'd have to say the sonnet is my favorite of the two, especially with the new "furrowed brow" in line 11... you should listen to john more often, lol. very nice work here, jim. thanks for sharing them with us. jenni |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Jim, I'll keep this brief, because it looks as if our colleagues have said it all.(okay just most of it) The sonnet was okay, I'm not much of a sonnet guy. The structure and wording made the poem too rigid for the subject. The free-verse however...tremendous poem. You expressed emotion as well as anyone and that is what free-verse is all about. Loved it. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
That does it nicely for me, Jim. As for the ongoing debate re sonnet and structure versus free verse, I'll take a bottle of Bollinger over a bucket of house white anyday. Regards, John. It's never too late to have a happy childhood ... |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
jim- may i say that i am absolutely speechless? well a couple things i could say. this is the very essence of friendship captured here. i like the free verse quite a bit. didn't you tell me not too long ago you wouldn't do it? i guess we're all lucky that you did. beautiful. simply that. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jim, Sorry it took so long to get to this one. John, doesn't it depend on which house the white is from? Roxanne, If there's still time, send me the stuff. I'll e-mail you as soon as I get through here (and my wife doesn't kick me off the internet). Back to Jim, No, I'm not afraid to take potshots at your sonnets or anybody else's for that matter. I do not have your respect for Poe and A. E. Houseman is my leading contender for most overrated at the moment (it changes all the time). So, what's the problem with both poems? Let's take the sonnet because it's shorter but I think my comments equally apply to the free verse version: I lay this silver medal on your chest But, though I know what silver represents, I’ll never think of you as second best. --I don't think you've really considered the possibilities of 'silver' yet. Yes, it means second best but it also has a long tradition associated with Christ and the ability to ward off evil (werewolves). I read somewhere that Judas was rewarded silver for betraying Christ so as a result . . . . In times reserved for youthful innocence, My ignorance of serious consequence --Vague and general statement that seems more determined by your rhyme and meter than your idea. Be more specific. Concealed my sense of mortal weakness. Now All veils are vanquished, leaving no defense Against this gift new knowledge does endow. --What is your mortal weakness? Mortals have a lot of weaknesses, you know. What veils are you talking about? If you want to go abstract here, at least try and keep in mind what the image of veil lifing actually refers to. I think of the the dance of the seven veils and of Middle Eastern exoticism. Is this the connotation you want to portray here? That even now my earnest, tear filled vow Is shattered, battered by this awful truth: I might forget you. --I'm not sure what you are trying to say. What is the vow? That you will always be friends? That you will never forget this person? The 'might' bothers me a lot because you're sweating (or rather crying) over something that hasn't happened yet and is therefore preventable. It's like saying your sorry before you do anything wrong. What is it with everybody and the essentialization of permanence? With a furrowed brow -- I KNOW you can do better than that. I think of you and troubled days of youth, --too general. Come on, give me a specific image of those troubled days; something that only the two of you can share. And hope that passing time does not suspend Undying friendship for a dying friend --The use of the word 'suspend' here is odd. If 'passing time' 'suspends' friendship then how can you call it 'undying'? Again, the sonnet lacks a sense of urgency, even the 'illusion of immediacy' because your main concern is not your friend dying but your belief that someday you will forget him. I suppose I'm being a little harsh but this one bothered me a lot in the character's own self absorbtion with the future and fears of losing something that hasn't been lost yet. It's like telling my wife while crying that I'm sorry that someday, maybe, and I certainly don't want it to happen, but that possible I might have an affair. Your fear of losing the memory is something you can fix, Jim. I suppose one bad review was neccessary here. Just an opinion, Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WH: Thanks. In this instance I might be inclided to agree with you about the "stuctured cage" of the sonnet. Jenni: Clearing up the confusion. The death took place 15 years ago and I put the silver medal on my friend's chest then. I won the silver medal in an all-city athletic competition when I was in 4th grade and, up until the time of my friend's death, that was, in my view, my "greatest" accomplishment. The medal, therefore, was one of my most prized possessions and I gave it because, at the time, I honestly didn't know what to give but I felt I needed to give something. Maybe it was merely a sentimentality but it was meaningful to me (now and at the time). J.L.: Thank you. Sonnets are difficult to write and this one didn't turn out to be everything I hoped. But I am glad you enjoyed both of them anyway. John: I'm with you on the "Bollinger". Roxanne: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Speechless? I think you're being too kind. About my saying I'd not write free-verse? I'm a sucker for a challenge and Haze challenged me. Brad: Brad, Brad, Brad. Do I appreciate your criticism? Always. Do I agree with it? Most of the time. Do I think all of this was constructive? No. Some of it? Yes. "--I don't think you've really considered the possibilities of 'silver' yet. Yes, it means second best but it also has a long tradition associated with Christ and the ability to ward off evil (werewolves). I read somewhere that Judas was rewarded silver for betraying Christ so as a result . . . ." Granted, the silver medal, and particularly the "silver" part, is a symbol. But, come on Brad, you can do better than that! What is the first thing you look for when interpreting the meaning of a symbol in ANY form of literature? You look for the author to give you that interpretation. I think I gave it. Werewolves? (silver bullets, by the way ... but you missed the possible reference to the Lone Ranger). Judas' betrayal of Christ (silver coins)? What else can a silver medal mean? Geeze! [In times reserved for youthful innocence, My ignorance of serious consequence] "--Vague and general statement that seems more determined by your rhyme and meter than your idea. Be more specific." Agreed. [Concealed my sense of mortal weakness. Now All veils are vanquished, leaving no defense Against this gift new knowledge does endow.] "--What is your mortal weakness? Mortals have a lot of weaknesses, you know." What do you think I'm talking about in the context of this poem? Primarily death, of course. (Anyone else have a problem figuring that one out?). The "new" knowledge is the knowledge that people die ... even young people. This "new" knowledge is the mechanism that lifted the "veils" of "ignorance". "What veils are you talking about?" Did you read the preceding lines? The "vague" ones. "My ignorance ... concealed..." therefore "My ignorance..." was the "veil" that "concealed". "If you want to go abstract here..." What is abstract about "veils" concealing? "I think of the the dance of the seven veils and of Middle Eastern exoticism. Is this the connotation you want to portray here?" You saw veiled, Middle Eastern dancers at a viewing? [That even now my earnest, tear filled vow Is shattered, battered by this awful truth: I might forget you.] "--I'm not sure what you are trying to say. What is the vow? That you will always be friends? That you will never forget this person?" That was fair. The free-verse, I think, expresses this point better. But I think you can surmise what the "vow" is by knowing what "truth" happened to "shatter" and "batter" it. In this case, the fear of "forget[ting]" the friend. "The 'might' bothers me a lot because you're sweating (or rather crying) over something that hasn't happened yet and is therefore preventable. It's like saying your sorry before you do anything wrong. What is it with everybody and the essentialization of permanence?" When you look at it "rationally", from the outside in, sure, I can see your point. But this is a description of an emotion-laden moment. Brad, do people tend to be (1) more or (2) less rational when they are experiencing powerful emotions? [With a furrowed brow] "-- I KNOW you can do better than that." I know. But you should of seen what was there before! [I think of you and troubled days of youth,] "--too general. Come on, give me a specific image of those troubled days; something that only the two of you can share." "troubled days" is to be understood within the scope of the subject of the sonnet (the friend's death). The free-verse, I think, is not share the sonnet's obscurity here. [And hope that passing time does not suspend Undying friendship for a dying friend] "--The use of the word 'suspend' here is odd." Agreed. I will see what I can do about that one. You think you were being a little harsh? I, like everyone else in here, appreciates criticism (even negative criticism) when it is constructive. It makes our writing better. But some of this seem petty to me. Maybe I am misunderstanding something, who knows. Thanks. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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SnglDad Member
since 2000-01-08
Posts 115Seattle area |
OK,I may not understand alot of your replies on others work, but your experience as a writer does show in your own work. Thanx for sharing. |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
I found both versions of the poem confusing. If you have the silver metal, why would you think of him a second best? It seems like you're saying, "Though I failed, I don't think of you as a failure for it." I like the feel of the second line. I find it hard to get three syllable words into iambic pentameter. And "represents" is a near rhyme to lines 1, 3, & 4. So it knits it together nicely. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jim, While I stand by everything I said, it's about time you started fighting back. Well argued, Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
SgleDad: I am glad you enjoyed this. Stick around here a little bit and understanding will follow. Thanks. Kenneth: The silver medal was the character's (my) most prized possession at the time of the best friend's death. The laying of the silver medal on the friend's chest was, therefore, a gift of the character's most prized possession. So it was the meaning of the silver medal to the giver, rather than the meaning of the silver medal to all others in general, that was of most importance here. Brad: I stand by everything I said and I've only started fighting back. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Jim...you defenately must do more free verse. This is splended, not that the sonnet wasn't good, oh, but that free verse!! The flow was wonderful, the breaks where they needed to be, the theme well developed throughout the poem, and the overall presentation great. Nice job!! |
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