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shell-grunge
Junior Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 17

0 posted 2000-01-01 11:48 PM

hi.
i'm not sure if i'm aloud to post on this or not, but anyway. i'm a 15 yo girl from australia. i just wanted to see what yous thourght of this poem. its topic is about anorexia nervosa an illness in which i have struggled with over the past two and years. it look me a few months to write this. i started it before hospital, worked on it in hospital, and finished it off at home, hope it's in standard.
here:

So speak beast, speak
Your deliterios scripts, from a false spine of turpitude
to lead me on yur crooked path
of starved mortality
While you chisled my zests
to pointed limbs
with a blade polished with the stolen migh
of my fractured dreams

Your vexing demands
hacked silently, entrenched in my ghost
Thin as a rail, lowest eb, you shacled my ankles
on pentual tracks, entailing castigation

And on pentual tracks you dragged me,
throtled, diluted, naked and blind
Chained to you henious unwavering ambushes blurred, dwindeling lone
pegged to every flaw, praying

So speak beast, speak
Your deliterious scripts from a false spine of turpitude
that i will kick
to a paltry crumbled debris
---------------------------------------------

and there we are
thanx.
keep the writing up everyone!

-shell

Songbird
Member Elite

since 1999-12-15

Posts 2184
Missouri

1 posted 2000-01-02 12:06 PM

I have no idea from personal experience of what you are stuggling with, but your piece you have posted here, says very well what exactly your stuggle is and your fight to win your stuggle with this beast. We all have different beast with different names that are intent on pulling us down. Thank you for sharing this, I am sure you will be the winner. Keep writing and sharing and getting stronger. God bless.

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

2 posted 2000-01-02 12:23 PM

i read this piece in teen forum.  i've made it a point not to post in there stemming from a disagreement that i had with a girl in there months ago.  it just showed me the mentality that ran the forum back then.  i don't know about it now.
anyways, about your poem, which i thought was great, i can only find one thing that i think needs to be reworked.  your vocabulary is astounding, so much to the point it almost seems as though you had a dictionary and thesaurus standing by.  i admit that i had to have one just to read it.
obviously you have a gift for poetry.  i think that a little simplicity might be good here though.
thanks for sharing this excellent poem, and i look forward to reading more of your poetry.

shell-grunge
Junior Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 17

3 posted 2000-01-02 05:39 AM

thanx for your replys septsong and roxanne.
in this paticular poem, i decided to use alot of complicated vocabulary, to disguse the truths behind it, so it wouldn't be simple for the naked eye.it may seem a little synthetic, but i didn't want to make it explicit, to any old reader about the illness. i did use a dictionary as i'm not the greatest speller. i get most of my vocabulary from books that i read, DECENT books! i love literature.

thanx again anyway

shell

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

4 posted 2000-01-02 11:43 AM

I agree that simplicity, the words that come from the soul, are often much more expressive than those used from a book. They also help you, by allowing you to remove yourself from, and look at your state of emotions, how you are truly feeling...which can then help you in recovery. I began my writing in a journal, and noticed how much of my inner self I was revealing, without intention. You can learn a lot about yourself from examining your writings that come straight from the heart and soul.
All the best to you, Shell, and keep writing, and stay strong. Don't let the illness beat you...you CAN overcome.

warmhrt

shell-grunge
Junior Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 17

5 posted 2000-01-02 08:34 PM

thanx warm hrt.
yes jornals help heaps. me and two of my best friends keep a jornal together, we record, and write of all our adventures, feeling thourghts emotions poems. it s great release. sometime u want to tell them about issues in your life but can't do it orally so it is like a real insight into our souls.

shell

John Foulstone
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 100
Australia

6 posted 2000-01-03 09:56 AM

G'day mate! There's probably more than a few of us Aussies here. If you hadn't cross-posted, I wouldn't have seen your work. You have a really good feel for words and rhythm, and I thought even the spelling mistakes somehow added to the effectivness of this piece. Don't make a habit of it tho'! One crit - I thought the third line of the second last stanza was a bit too long, seemed to break the natural rhythm of the piece. Having worked several years in such a hospital, I have some idea of what you've been through. Hang in there!

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