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Critical Analysis #1
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The Affair
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Affair |
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Jennifer B New Member
since 1999-12-30
Posts 6 |
One flesh made two Cut by betrayal Promises to love, honor and cherish - Broken She lured you away A flirtatious smile Enticing words and A toss of her hair The truth now displayed, My vision blurred Dizzying thoughts and Blinding pain The jagged edges Nerves exposed Reveal the degree of separation - Complete A mortal wound My soul is drained I struggle for breath and Consciousness Days pass Numb Despondent Empty dreams awakened by pain Your apologies Sorrowful Regretful The bleeding stops but the fact remains: Your one night of passion destroyed my life A decade of trust in a moment's time - Obliviated |
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| © Copyright 1999 Jennifer B - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, I'll be honest and direct...hope ya don't mind...this is critic corner  "One flesh made two Cut by betrayal Promises to love, honor and cherish - Broken" Okay opener, though a little cliched however it does set up the theme. "She lured you away A flirtatious smile Enticing words and A toss of her hair" Personally I would have enjoyed this stanza more if you had expanded on the picture and thoughts of the "siren". "The truth now displayed, My vision blurred Dizzying thoughts and Blinding pain" Consider elaborating on your discovery of the infidelity. "Dizzying thoughts" and "Blinding pain" isn't very descriptive. Try and drag the reader into your world with indepth descriptions of your feelings and your world. "The jagged edges Nerves exposed Reveal the degree of separation - Complete" The "exposed nerves" analogy has been done many times before, once again try to avoid cliches or elaborate on them in order to bless it with your personality and make the words yours. "A mortal wound My soul is drained I struggle for breath and Consciousness" Once again this isn't very descriptive for the reader. What did the mortal wound look and feel like? What does a drained soul feel like? What did your struggle for breath and consciouness feel and look like? "Days pass Numb Despondent Empty dreams awakened by pain" Not a bad stanza though I thought you could probably "flair" up the last line. "Your apologies Sorrowful Regretful The bleeding stops but the fact remains:" The last line is very cliched, however I can't help but like this stanza. "Your one night of passion destroyed my life A decade of trust in a moment's time - Obliviated" Pretty decent ending. But consider rewording it into a more impacting statement. Give it more "pop!". Your theme is one that has been done countless times and by almost every poet (myself included). It's hard to avoid cliches in such themes like this but not impossible. Try to let more of yourself come through in the words, everyone has similar stories yet when personalized it is something very unique. Anyways, that's my two cents, hope the critique didn't come off as harsh, thanks for the read, take care. Trevor |
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Jennifer B New Member
since 1999-12-30
Posts 6 |
Trevor, Thanks for taking the time to look at my poem. I appreciate your comments. This was my very first attempt at poetry, so I know I have a ways to go. I didn't think much along the lines of describing what my feelings felt like; I was just trying to put words to the feelings. I will consider your suggestion to be more descriptive next time, if I can figure out how to do that. |
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dispatch debbie Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 16Michigan |
Jennifer, A subject of life itself...cliche or not, you did a fine job of expressing the pain of betrayal. More writing brings more variance of emoting emotion. You're doing fine. Keep on! I look forward to your next submission!  We first timers will support each other!Debbie |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
There's only so many words in the language and given the time they've been in use, repetition is guaranteed. Some do get repeated more than others, and become cliches. While avoiding overuse, don't be afraid to use one occasionally where it can be more effective than some stilted attempt to be original. Some of our best songs are full of cliches. Forgetting rhyme, which is purely optional these days, the difference between poetry and prose lies in its metric structure and rhythm. Which is where most of the hard work happens. Personally, I liked your second stanza best. Rythm, balance, and simple images saying more than they say. But then, I like Haiku. In fact, the poem reminded me of a series of haiku, though not strictly traditional. |
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simplyYRREHS Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 162 |
JenniferB... as is every aspect of life, so are the emotions we all feel...varying from one persons interpretation to another. having been on the receiving end of such a situation, i relate...and i reciprocate. your poem describes your personal battle, and unfair for us to judge the extremes or lack of that are described. enjoyed the read and look forward to seeing more from you! agree with debbie...newbies will support one another! what better way to envelope freedom than by posting it in prose! WELCOME fellow newbie! sllj |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jennifer: I think all of the above points are valid. Cliche in poetry is something that we should try to avoid but, at the same time, because "there is nothing new under the sun", I think we can best do this by trying to approach writing about a common subject with as much of "ourselves" in it as possible. I am glad to see the "newbies" sticking together but I think it is important to point out that Trevor raises some important considerations and I wouldn't interpret or dismiss his critique as being "unsupportive". Just my opinion, though. I like John's mention of Haiku. Haiku are very general and much of their meaning is left to the reader to "fill in the blanks" and several of your stanzas have a similar effect. Keep writing. You've done a fine job with this first post and I look forward to reading more of what you have to write in the near future. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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