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Visions
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Visions |
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dispatch debbie Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 16Michigan |
A vision is created with every thought of you, where love and warmth reign free, build everything anew. Life is so much easier to live and watch unfold, 'cause thoughts of you do ever much to chase away the cold. In the hectic bustle of everyday events and the darkness of the night, which envelopes every sense, My need for you is ever present, my love a flame so brilliant. Soul to soul and heart to heart, I am with you every minute. I don't question why I'm blessed and given such a rich reward, merely start and end each day with giving thanks unto my Lord. < !signature--> Treat others the way you wish to be treated. [This message has been edited by dispatch debbie (edited 12-30-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Deborah Conner - All Rights Reserved | |||
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
hi debbie i have been reading your comments to others and i must say you are an astute reader seeking depth and substance. Welcome To CA. your work has a lilt to the meter and rhyme but the line breaks...(?) i offer this with much respect (although rhyme and meter are not my forte) "And a vision is created with every thought of you, where love and warmth reign free building everything anew. Life is so much easier to live and watch unfold, 'cause thoughts of you do oh, so much to chase away the cold. So in the hectic bustle of everyday events, and in the darkness of the night, which envelopes every sense, my need for you is ever present and my love a flame so brilliant. Soul to soul and heart to heart, I am with you every minute. I don't question why I'm blessed and given such rich reward. I merely start and end each day giving thanks unto my Lord" So much for the slice and dice...see how this reads to you...I cut the last "-for you" because this little lyric-o-love is all about the "you" and i didn't think it was necessary...Again with much respect...TA ~haze [This message has been edited by haze (edited 12-29-1999).] |
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dispatch debbie Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 16Michigan |
haze, Thanks so much...I totally agree with you! I had a hard time figuring just where line breaks would end up (first time on site & submitting anything). Your polish looks great...now if I could only figure how to edit it!!!  Thanks for the support. I believe I'm going to enjoy this forum, as I do poetry! Debbie Treat others the way you wish to be treated. |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
To edit your work simply click on the paper and pencil icon (3rd in the center caption bar).... You may then edit your message as you like. Welcome again to CA...TA ~haze [This message has been edited by haze (edited 12-29-1999).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Debbie: Congratulations on your first post and welcome to Passions. A brave soul to subject her poetry to the merciless critics of the Critical Analysis forum.  I want to preface my analysis by saying that I am only expressing my opinion and any criticism I offer is for the sole purpose of trying to help you better express your thoughts and feelings through poetry. It is intended to be constructive and I am human so my criticisms could very well be wrong. I was waiting for someone more adept at comment on line appearance to respond and I see you attracted the attention of the lovely and talented Haze ... and she is certainly more adept than I at arranging line breaks than I. Now that Haze has addressed some of the aesthetics, lets take a look at the substance: "And a vision is created with every thought of you, where love and warmth reign free and build everything anew." The first thing I noticed about your poem is its meter. Much of your poem seems to be written with iambic feet (da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM). Where you aware of this or did the meter come naturally to you? Just wondering. Either way I think it is impressive. You begin your first line with a conjunction ("And") which is usually a grammatical no-no. I think you could remove it without taking anything away from the meaning or style of the first line. The new line would read: "A vision is created with every thought of you" "And life is so much easier to live and watch unfold, 'cause thoughts of you do oh, so much to chase away the cold." I kind of stumbed over the "...you do oh, so much to..." part. The "oh" seems to be surplus. Perhaps some rewording could help the line read more smoothly while, at the same time, preserving the meter you are obviously trying to keep consistent. "So in the hectic bustle of everyday events, and the darkness of the night, which envelopes every sense," The clause "and the darkness of the night" seems a little awkward to me as it is written. Perhaps in its placement. What "envelopes every sense"? The "darkness of the night" or the "hectic bustle"? "my need for you is ever present and my love a flame so brilliant." I hate messing with your rhyme scheme but I think this line could be trimmed down to read more smoothly (again, keeping your attention to meter in mind). Perhaps: "my need for you is ever present, my love a brilliant flame." "Soul to soul and heart to heart, I am with you every minute." I'll warn you that there is a nasty creature who is Lord or this realm called Brad-cula. He isn't very fond of the use of "soul", "heart", etc., etc. in poetry (I learned the hard way -- I still have some of the bruises and the fang marks haven't completely faded yet) Actually, I kind of agree with him. There are many other ways to describe the "Soul to soul"/"heart to heart" connection that, I think, would make your poem more memorable while continuing to do justice to the obviously intense feelings you are describing. "I don't question why I'm blessed and given such a rich reward." This is a commendable statement of faith ... I ask the question "why" daily. This is meant sincerely, by the way, I am not taking a shot. Reminds me of the answer given to Frodo Baggins in the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy when he asked "why" ... something along the lines that he was "simply chosen" and should be satisfied with that. I haven't learned that lesson yet."Merely start and end each day with giving thanks unto my Lord - for you." I like the ending line. This must be some guy to be considered by you to be a blessing. Just wondering ... have you ever considered trying to write a sonnet? You seem to have an ear for meter and, for many (including myself), writing metrically, and doing it smoothly, is the most challenging aspect of writing a sonnet. I think you would do an excellent job on one. Again, welcome to Passions. I look forward to reading more of your work in here. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
Welcome DD, I am a newbie here, also and I love this place already. I really like this read, and I think you have been given some good advise on how to make it better. I hope to see more of your work. |
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dispatch debbie Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 16Michigan |
thanks all....I do appreciate the critique...notice didnt say criticism I agree, Jim, both yourself & haze have some great suggestions....very helpful, actually. No, actually not a deliberate attempt at the meter...natural occurance but I will seriously consider a sonnet. You will educate me . As for heart/soul thing, what can I say? I love the connection & I'll work on expressing it more eloquently! Thanks for letting me in!!Debbie |
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dispatch debbie Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 16Michigan |
Any better? Feels better.....until next time then.... |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
"Looks" and "feels" better. 'Til next time. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i think that this is a very touching poem. the only part that i really don't care for is the last stanza. I don't question why I'm blessed and given such a rich reward, merely start and end each day with giving thanks unto my Lord it sort of doesn't match the rest of the poem. to me, the main focus is the adoration and love of a certain person. with the last stanza, the conclusion is more introspective. it also enters a religious theme that hasn't played a part in the rest of the poem. i really like this part My need for you is ever present, my love a flame so brilliant. Soul to soul and heart to heart, I am with you every minute. it is incredibly beautiful, very heartfelt, and it clearly illustrates a strong and loving desire. thanks for the lovely read |
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jaxjoy Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112Texas |
I agree with Roxanne on this one. I also believe the last stanza seemed to be out of place and didn't quite go in sync with the rest of the piece. Overall I believe it is good work. Perhaps just needs rephrasing in last stanza. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I also agree with Roxanne...no matter how many times I tried to read it through, the last stanza just didn't fit. The rest of the poem is a delightful ode to love. I, too, like the fourth stanza very much, and think you should either make it the last of the poem, or add another more fitting. I like your style... warmhrt |
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Jennifer B New Member
since 1999-12-30
Posts 6 |
Debbie, I just wanted to say that I enjoyed your poem. Since I just completed my first poem, I don't believe I'm qualified to offer you a critique. I do wish you luck as you consider the advice of others. You are doing a great job! |
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