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Betrayal
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Betrayal |
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Holden Junior Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 26Brighton East, Victoria, Australia |
Hate. Your Fault, It's not mine. You betrayed me, You're being selfish. Forget friendship, don't care, You are no real friend of mine. Your making moves on my girlfriend, You don't even care that I love her... So, forget you. You aren't a friend of mine. Watch you make moves, You'll be rejected. I'm her boyfriend, you're just a friend. She's friends with you and that's all. Deal with it and move on. I'll forgive you soon, If you stop it... Find someone, Not her. Please? 'I once picked a daisy's petals searching for an answer. I went through 10 daisy's before getting the answer I was looking for...I love you.' |
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| © Copyright 1999 Jared - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i think you would do well to add more emotions into this piece, and to try to make it a little more poetic. right now, it reads more like prose. your feelings do come through in this, but in a choppy, straight-forward, non-descript way. can you compare your feelings to anything, similies, metaphors would do wonders for this piece. the content of the poem is rather good though. i especially like the self-doubting "please" at the end. that's really good. what i don't care for is the "I'll forgive you" it conflicts with the rest of the poem. anyways, let me know how you decide on this poem. thanks. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Roxanne is spot on here. (Geez, I'm starting to sound like some of the people around here.) Another tract you might want to consider is to portray the actual 'move' that you saw from your 'friend'. Show us what happened that inspired the emotions presented here. A further consideration would be to show your girlfriend's reactions -- did she like it or was she disgusted? I think it's safe to say that this is probably a little too close at the moment to develop. Maybe sit on it for a while and take a look at it again in a couple of months. Brad |
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