Wisdom i've learned on my own

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

besttpoet
New Member

since 1999-12-30

Posts 6

0 posted 1999-12-30 01:41 AM

I have to step in here and say that
Gehtto life is like a big box of chocolates
you neva know what you gonna get
I see little kids on the street
And I love them
Cuz love is blind
\I like apples
and ghetto apples don't fall far from the treee
some people juge ghetteios
but like books
don't juge a ghetto by it's cova
that just goes to show
hoes daughters can be devious

I need some real ipnut here

lily
Junior Member

since 1999-12-27

Posts 16
united states

1 posted 1999-12-30 02:06 AM

either this is terribly sarcastic, with a title like wisdom i've learned on my own and a poem comprised entirely of cliches, or this is something all together different. either way, i can't wait to find out which one it is,

compressed paper burns less easily

lily davison

Astraea
Member

since 1999-11-09

Posts 378
California! Yeah! Okay, I'm done now

2 posted 1999-12-30 02:12 AM

I'm not sure what the point is. It does seem like a bunch of cliches but even cliches can be used in a poem and still work sometimes... Maybe you should just write it so that it flows more neatly? The last line doesn't seem to fit from what you had been saying before or is that the revelation?

~Astraea

"Sometimes stars can only be seen in darkness."

"Sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things."

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

3 posted 1999-12-30 11:14 AM

B:

Not sure I "get" this one. I think the slang is intentional (so I can get past that) but the typos really need to be cleaned up. "Gehtto" in line two, "\I" in line seven, "treee" in line eight, "ghettios" in line nine, and "juge" (should be "judge") is mispelled throughout. And by the way, what is "ipnut"?

I can almost get past the cliches because of the tone of the poem.  The title "Wisdom I've learned on my own" works if you intended it to be sarcastic.  It is more like "Wisdom I have leaved from Blockbuster movie rentals".

The meaning of the last line, "that just goes to show hoes daughters can be devious", escapes me.  What "just goes to show"?  I just don't see the connection between this statement and the body of the poem.  What do you mean by "hoes"?  If you mean what I think you mean, this line rings a bit offensively.

Suggestions: clean up the typos, clarify your objective in writing this in the body of the poem, and (just an opinion) take it easy on the cliches.  Actually, you might be able to make the cliches work for this one if you develop the satire in this a bit.

Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

4 posted 1999-12-30 07:42 PM

I agree with Jim. Why not rework it a bit by editing it and then we can read it again. If you need any help, please email me or send me an ICQ message! Thanks.

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.