»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
for an ideal
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
for an ideal |
|
|
roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
a cloud of smoke ask not what your country can do for you a bayonnet rapes my young hands soars through the air launched off the end of my rifle by my strong arm into some nameless person i regret that i have only one life to give but i have two arms two legs two eyes and i don't know that they'll last through tonight my limbs no longer serve me though my mechanical brain now programmed to avenge and crown thy good with brotherhood meanwhile my friends, companions fall over like paperdolls in an inferno and i know it is that the bullets, a slight downpour of rain and we are ready to be washed away from every mountain side red coats against which you cannot tell if they are bleeding but i can hear the screaming no matter what coat he's wearing you always hear someone call for their mother we hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal i suppose each man that falls does so for an ideal and our blood will paint stripes on our flag and our graves will marked by signs of patriotism only thing to do now is to earn that pious right to be martyred one more thing, to have someone appreciate this sacrifice let freedom ring i wrote this from a sort of suggestion of philip's that i write something about my view of america. well, i didn't feel like getting into america at present, rather a point in history that makes me rather proud of america- the revolution. the beginning of each stanza, i took from famous american quotes or american songs to sort of contradict what is happening to this particular soldier, but at the end, to sort of vindicate him by making him realize what it's for. does it make any sense at all? any kind of harsh criticism is appreciated. ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
||
| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Roxane, I am mildly dumbfounded by your ability. I thought to divert you into channels which would be more challenging and in my opinion you have produced something with some wonderful passages in it and with a very imaginative structure. I have one serious complain though (lol). In explaining the poem before giving me a chance to critique you spoiled my opportunity to tell you what it was all about and to prove to you that you suceeded wonderfully in your intentions. It's rare (unheard of) that I can follow your poems at a first reading, but I did this one. Your use of the very well know quote "ask not what.... " alerted me to your strategy right from the start and after that it was easy and rewarding to follow. I seem to recall in my mail that I suggested trying a touch of irony a la Brad, and I think you pulled this off well by using the patriotic quotes followed immediately by the brutal reality. The nicest touch however was the unexpected ending ... the poem kind of swings along back and forth back and forth and I started to think "she's going to get viciously ironic maybe even satirical at then end - in portraying the futility of war" .. then suddenly the complete opposite hits the reader: "LET FREEDOM RING" and the preceding line about a worthwhile sacrifice. In an instant the whole emphasis is turned around - very clever to use the word "ring" which has a nice positive feel to it. "the bullets, a slight downpour of rain and we are ready to be washed away" was one of my favourite lines - you have a clever way (in most of your poems) of interjecting one word, in this case "slight", which produces understatement and gentle irony. one small technical detail - it sounds as if the bayonet was actually being projected off the end of the rifle. I don't know whether you intended this or not but bayonets were of course fixed to rifles and used for stabbing. Sorry if I'm being stupid  .Can't commment on the technicalities of the verse - you know my non-existent abilities in free verse. Needless to say I liked it a lot. Philip |
||
|
captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
roxane: I don't know if I like this poem. I appreciate it. I see it's irony, though it made me think until my head hurt. I didn't know whether to love, hate, admire, pity or sympathize with your soldier. In the end I found myself reexamining my view of what the "patriots" really felt, and doing all of them. Still don't, or can't, know but, I think poems like this are good for the soul sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. ------------------ Cap. Carg. |
||
|
roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
philip- i am well aware of what bayonets are, maybe not how to spell them, but what they are. lol but i meant that this soldier had run out of ammunition was thrusting his bayonetted rifle into the opposing soldiers. i was hoping i wouldn't offend you with the explanation. capt- i understand what you are saying here. patriotism in large amounts is nothing good. i, however, identify with defending the purity of such inattainable ideals as freedom, equality, total democracy, as a noble and worthwhile thing to do. i am glad that it made you think. i was hoping for the line "the pious right to be martyred" to strike someone as sarcastic, but it didn't, which actually i like better. anyways thanks for reading it, and replying. |
||
|
poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
roxane ~ i'm no critic, but i really dig the lines that say "i suppose each man that falls does so for an ideal/ and our blood will paint stripes on our flag"... mabye i just go for the philosophic or mabye i'm a cynic, but either way, i like it **jerome the boy with no brain |
||
|
captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
roxane, actually I took that line to be ironic. Ironic that he was fighting for "rights". ------------------ Cap. Carg. |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
~smiling~ You could never offend me Roxane .. but next time maybe you should give me a few hours to have the satisfaction of trying to figure out your meaning before you tell .. oh I've just realised ... you're getting your own back for me puttng that explanation at the end of the villanelle (heh heh )....>> "I'm well aware of what bayonets are" ... hummm I thought you might be ... sorreee, but even in the cold and frosty light of this freezing Sunday morning I still think these are a confusing couple of lines, how about: "spears the air launched on the end of my rifle by my strong arm" Philip |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||