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Moonlit Walk
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Moonlit Walk |
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Debbie Pendleton Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 13 |
The moonlit sky fell on the beach It caressed the white sands with its glow The sounds of the waves crashing made for a beautiful song And the dunes with their lovely sea oats were so bold We walked through the night through the soft sugary sands While the winds swirling around doth blow We felt the warmth of the night air blow through our shimmering hair with not a care of our surroundings for we felt the love was there As we wallowed in our warmth of each others loving embrace We looked beyond the shadowing night TO find a dune who called out our names we knew it was our place We sat upon this dune of ours and looked onto the breaking waves To see the reflection of the moon and stars casting the waters like a glaze It's setting made a perfect night for the love that was created To know and feel and touch one another was like a cosmic force To which we felt all around us without hesitation ofcourse That moment we looked into each others eyes and elongated that clance... in hoping we had found true love and romance With a quick kiss we found ourselves entwined wih each other in the sand What a beautiful feeling when two become one and the darkness whispering our names To know when we leave this treasured place we will both share the same feelings to which we proclaim I looked back at the moonlit night and smile becomes upon my face To know I leave my footprints there forever it will be another history made without a trace Forever I will cherish this lasting thought of you and me to which we brought Brought fourth the excitment to our souls in our hearts forever told. dmp ------------------ |
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| © Copyright 1999 Debbie Pendleton - All Rights Reserved | |||
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Debbie, that was beautiful. I'm relativley new to this, have you been writing long? |
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Debbie Pendleton Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 13 |
Thank you capt...no, I have been writing poetry since grade school. But, I rescently started to publish some of my works. I am glad you enjoyed it... thanks again for the kind words. Debbie |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
debbie, i think that the idea of this poem is relatively good, but some it seems repetitive. for instance, the second and third stanzas are all about the wind. the word blow is used twice, although it doesn't really add to the mood the first time you use it. my suggestion would be to take about the first one and the word "doth" as that type of speech is not used throughout the rest of the poem. stanza 7 is the best of them all. stanza 5 seems like you are more looking back on it than describing it, and you shift from describing the mood to really more or less eulogizing it. i think this is a poem with a lot of potential. it has a lot of truly wonderful parts to it. congratulations on the publishing. that's great!! |
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Debbie Pendleton Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 13 |
roxane, truthfully i was looking back on the past.. it was a night that i will never forget.. the wind was blowing thru our hair and it was a windy night but i see where your coming from...you are right about the word doth... tis out of place...i will have to modify the poem some it seems... thanks for the good advice. Debbie |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
Debbie: Reading this poem made me feel like watching a beautiful movie about two innocent young people experiencing their first love. Moving, exhilarating... A few minor negatives though: in Stanza 8 you say, "...I leave my footprints..." and then "...history made without a trace." ?? Also, "smile becomes(?) upon my face." Stanza 3: "TO find a dune" (capital O?) Stanza 5: "It's setting" (Its?), a very common error. "It's" means "It is". Edit, edit, edit... You are too good a poet to let such flaws affect the admiration your poem deserves. Willem |
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Debbie Pendleton Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 13 |
Willem, Thank you for the encouragement and praise. when I say, " I leave my footprints, history without a trace" .... we all leave footprints in the sand at the beach... but, who ever heard of them staying their forever... the weather such as wind, rain, ect... will remove them without a trace... I pose that is what I meant...Yes, I always smile when I think of that moonlit walk that took place long ago.  oops, TO... yep, should of been To. and It's... edit is the key word... thanks for pointing it out to me... This is not only great to share my gift with all our fellow poets but to learn to become better at it is all well and good. Thanks for your love of poetry and to take the time to edit them.Debbie |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
You were right about those footsteps, Debbie, I can see the connection now. I apologize! Looking forward to your next post, Willem |
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Jaguar Member
since 1999-11-27
Posts 51Quezon City, Philippines |
Hello Debbie, Your poem is filled with passionate imagery and is indeed beautifully written. |
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Debbie Pendleton Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 13 |
Jaguar, Thank you dear...May you and yours and all our poetic friends have warm holidays. *Debbie* |
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Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
Other than the points that Roxane made, I don't find anything wrong with your poem. I saw two lovers having fun and being free and experiencing true love for the first time. I loved it --A Little Fairy-- |
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Debbie Pendleton Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 13 |
Fairy, Thank you for your kind words. All have been so supportive. My Moonlit walk was indeed a night to remember. *Debbie* |
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Aegis Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28 |
Debbie, It was an enlightment reading this. some people have the talent to make me envy their ability to write, and i'm afraid this is one. a prose-poem is my favorite. |
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Debbie Pendleton Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 13 |
Aegis, *blushes* aww thanks Aegis... very nice compliment. *Debbie* |
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