Your eyes tell me more than words will ever say.

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Critical Analysis #1

Your eyes tell me more than words will ever say.

levon6618
Junior Member

since 2001-07-29

Posts 10

0 posted 2001-07-31 08:22 PM

Emotions, that had been hidden away
By the pain experienced in past relationships,
Had been once again brought to the surface
To give the indispensable love another try.
It seemed as though this time
Love would let me take part in its beauty.

Your eyes tell me more than words will ever say.

From the first day I looked into your beautiful blue eyes,
I knew you could truly offer me
What so many had offered me before.
A love that would last an eternity.
One that was unchanging in the face of adversity.
A relationship that could withstand the tests of time and temptation.

Your eyes tell me more than words will ever say.

The fear of rejection froze me and caused me
To let you see only camouflaged emotions,
Ones that hid the true feelings that I held deep inside for you.
Your eyes were windows into your soul,
That let me see that you had the same feelings for me.
Your heart offered me love’s warmth.

Your eyes tell me more than words will ever say.

As time marches down its unwavering road,
I stand still, frozen; too blind to see my happiness leaving me.
My place in your heart now belongs to another.
My chance for true love has come and gone.
Once again I stand out in the cold.
Your heart now offering love’s warmth to another.

Your eyes tell me more than words will ever say.

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

1 posted 2001-08-01 02:09 PM

I didn't read all of this but I read parts and scanned the rest.

It looks like you're stuck in ordinary land.

I'm not going to analyze in depth but I think I can make a couple of helpful comments.  You're first line has 'that had been' right in the middle of it.  Take those words out and see how much better it reads.

Also your repeated line 'eyes say more than words' etc.  is too common of a theme and the repetition fails because you're simply repeating the obvious.

On the positive side, the flow seemed good!

Good luck and best wishes to you in your writing!

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