Critical Analysis #1 |
Alone (revision) |
epoet Member
since 2000-05-11
Posts 291grand rapid,MI, usa |
Alone, feeling lost. Alone, feeling unloved. Wondering why I am on this earth. Wondering what my purpose is. Am I to spend my life scared, sheltered, afraid of my shadow? Alone, feeling lost. Alone, feeling unwanted. Society says that I am an eccentric young man. Laying my heart on the line waiting for you to see how much I love thee. Hurt and hollow from past rejections, scared to even look at my own reflection. Wanting so much to feel someones touch, a warm hand to heal the holes in my soul. A smile to gladden my heart, a word spoken with sweet honesty. These I long for can't anyone see? Alone, lost. Alone, hurt. Strangers come and go but none stay with me, they don't know where they wish to be. A sudden wind blew you into my life, feeling your sadness and your strife. You and I are like peas in a pod. You've felt the pain I feel, I can see now you were once me. Wishing to heal me, help in any way, you promise me tommorrow you'll guide me away. Alone, no longer. Alone, no more. Spreading your love into my soul, you make me feel complete, whole. You've given me inspiration, hope, feelings of a new sensation. I've finally found someone who understands my fragile soul. Reaching desperately for contact, I hope for your hand to grab me by my soul. Shaking it up to make me see, you really do love all of me. Bringing me into your sweet loving embrace, I see love reflected in your face. I know now what this sensation is, it's love..... P. J. Kotrch |
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© Copyright 2001 Pat Kotrch - All Rights Reserved | |||
Janette
since 2001-07-20
Posts 2843Chicagoland for now |
Pat, The first poem you wrote made me think of a man searching for that one special woman to love him. Your revision starts out that way, but suddenly changes in Stanza #12, starting a whole new idea. To me they are two seperate poems. Some of the later stanzas in the revision are just too different than the beginning for me to feel an emotional involvement and have a constant flow. Here is what I suggest and please note these are ONLY suggestions: Stanza 2: I still prefer... Wondering what is my purpose rather than "Wondering what my purpose is" As I said before that places more importance on the word "purpose" than the word "is" Stanza 5: I would suggest you make all of your stanzas 4 lines, since the majority of them are written that way, thus #5 could be changed to Society says I am an eccentric young man Stanza 6: "Laying my heart..." This is a good improvement! Stanza 7: "Hurt and hollow..." I love this addition! Stanza 8: "Wanting so much to feel someone's touch [a warm hand] to heal the holes in my soul" The line in brackets, I would delete, for two reasons. One, you are already talking about "touching" so you do not need the "hand" line and two, it messes up your lines in your stanza, making it 5 rather than 4 lines. Stanza 10: I would incorporate some of the lines you had in the first poem to this stanza, I think it would give it more power. Your rewrite- "These I long for can't anyone see?" My suggestion: I long for one woman "who understands my tender soul" Or something like that...just keep the last two lines...."who understands" and "my tender soul"...I really liked them. Then I would suggest...and this may make you cringe...the following: After stanza 10 in this revision, I wish you would consider going back to your original poem and use Stanza #10 from it-"Reaching desperately for contact..." and then follow that with the original Stanza #11-"Bringing me into your warm embrace...", ending your poem there. I have no doubt that you have worked long and hard on the additional Stanzas and thoughts you put in this revision. I would suggest you consider using the additional stanzas as a companion poem to go with this one. The first poem being one of a man feeling lost but still hoping for love, and the second showing triumph in finding that love. I am no expert Pat, but you asked for my opinions, and this is what I think. I love your writing and ultimately you should go with what expresses YOU and what YOU like the best. Thank you for asking me to read this and give you my views. I am very flattered and hope I have helped a tiny bit. Janette |
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