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Sugar167
New Member

since 1999-07-22

Posts 1
Falmouth, Mass.

0 posted 1999-07-22 08:27 PM

The Same Fine Way (a sonnet)

Last week you threw my lip balm in the trash.
My lips now aren't as soft as e'er before.
I yearned to give you one big massive smash,
For now they're not as tasty anymore.

You took me to the famous county fair,
Where all the lines were long and crowds were big.
Walking through dusty fields dirtied my hair;
Large fries, two sodas, I felt like a pig.

We took the wrong way home and I was late.
My Gramps was at the door with watch and smile;
But all in all it was an awesome date -
Gramps says the next one won't be for awhile!

No matter what happened this crazy day,
About you I still feel the same fine way.

[This message has been edited by Sugar167 (edited 07-22-99).]

DreamEvil
Member Elite

since 1999-06-22

Posts 2396

1 posted 1999-07-23 06:56 AM

Hilarious twist to the end of this piece, well written flow as well. Thank you for this delightful tale.

------------------
Shall I indulge in flights of fancy hampered by clipped wings?
DreamEvil©

[This message has been edited by DreamEvil (edited 07-23-99).]

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

2 posted 1999-07-23 08:12 PM

I really enjoy reading this poem, Sugar 167. It's very original and cleverly done. You paid wonderful attention to the syllable count and the accent placement, in other words, you paid attention to the construction of the piece, a quality I admire tremendously and often find all too lacking. I would only make two suggestions. Give "e'er" the air. It is out of place in a poem written by a 'young farmgirl' (not you, but the ficticious narrarator of the poem) I would substitute "like".

Walking through dusty fields dirtied my hair.......this is the ONLY place in the poem where the the flow and accents break down. I would use:

The walk through dusty fields soiled my hair.

In every sentence besides that one, the first accent is on the second syllable so, when you come to a word like "walking" where you are forced to put it on the first syllable, it throws it off. Accept my suggestions or not, it is a very well-written piece of work.

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

3 posted 1999-07-24 05:48 PM

Balladeer, my dear friend - That's only nine syllables - Iambic pentameter is "ten"...
short/long - short/long - short/long - short/long - short/long

But I like your suggestion to smooth the line out - How about:

The walk throught dusty fields soiled my blonde hair.....
Ya think?

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

4 posted 1999-07-25 01:12 PM

I liked it! Very cute. Nice job.

dp

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

5 posted 1999-07-25 02:07 PM

Nan, I am so sorry. I mistakenly assumed that in your part of the world, "field" was spoken in two syllables, as it is here as well as most other parts of the world. I yield , or is that yeld, to your comment. hehe

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

6 posted 1999-07-25 02:34 PM

well, um..... Methinks that's feeled and yelled whatever part of the world yer in.....

Give yerself a break today..... at

the county fair?????

[This message has been edited by Nan (edited 07-25-99).]

Ron

Administrator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-05-19

Posts 8669
Michigan, US

7 posted 1999-07-25 02:41 PM

Fi-eld? Yelled? All we need now is for our Southern Belle, Faye, to come in here and really confuse me!

You people talk funny...

JP
Senior Member

since 1999-05-25

Posts 1343
Loomis, CA

8 posted 1999-07-27 05:43 PM

Y'all are nuts... field? One syllable unless you pronounce it fiel dah!

Same with yeild, felled, yelled... and for that matter y'all (aint no "you all's" around these here parts.)

Wait a minute.... what's my point anyway? Oh well......

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

9 posted 1999-07-27 06:14 PM

Hey - You guys - Let's not forget Bridget's sonnet here - She did a darned good job - and she's getting graded accordingly....

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