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**lost**
Junior Member
since 2001-07-16
Posts 32
ma

0 posted 2001-07-30 05:10 PM


a bleeding sun,
an ocean created by your tears.

the sun sinks beneath expectations,
meets the whimpering roar of the ocean.

the ocean cools the heat,
the sun warms the water.

as the steam disperses,
and the chaos withdraws,
the battle subsides,
and a state of darkness arrives.

confused among strangers,
lost amongst myself.
**lost**

© Copyright 2001 Joline Dupras - All Rights Reserved
polarflame
New Member
since 2001-07-30
Posts 9
Az, USA
1 posted 2001-07-31 02:33 PM


Hey there **Lost**

I find it difficult to comprehend what you are trying to convey in your poem.
The title suggest: (Eden, nature battle) Where's the nature? Talking about
sun and the ocean it's not really enough.

Since Eden portrays a garden, I think it would be appropriate to include that
in your poem, or you could change the title...

quote:

                   a bleeding sun,
                   an ocean created by your tears.

>> I personally like this lines...

                   the sun sinks beneath expectations,
                   meets the whimpering roar of the ocean.

>> Again, a nice way so say how the sun sets... (in agony)

                   the ocean cools the heat,
                   the sun warms the water.

>> You know, the ocean can't just cool the heat... since your
      setting is after the sun set, the ocean keeps the breeze
      warm, not cools the heat. I learned that in geography...

quote:                  

                   as the steam disperses,
                   and the chaos withdraws,
                   the battle subsides,
                   and a state of darkness arrives.

>> You left me hanging here... I was anticipating more to come
     but you ended your poem abruptly. Well... you can always
     revise and put more stuff to convey your poem efficiently.

Remember, every poet goes through a hard time of revising.
No famous poet (I guess) ever wrote a poem just like that
without revising.

Take care lost, I hope i helped ya in this one...  

---------------------------------------
the heart is an organ of fire...
>> PolarFlame

[This message has been edited by polarflame (edited 07-31-2001).]

aprikot
New Member
since 2001-08-08
Posts 4

2 posted 2001-08-08 11:46 AM


i think you have a real talent for incorporating contrasts in your poems, i've seen it done several times in your various works...and this is no exception!  I think the title is a bit of a misnomer however.   i think perhaps when you rewrote the original eden poem, enough of it changed to move away from the original title.  i guess one comment is that i'm not sure how to feel at the end.  the begining implies sorrow and pain ("bleeding sun" and "ocean created by your tears") and after a confict there is darkness.  i guess for me "darkness" is more of an environmental descriptor than evoker of emotion, at least in the way it seems to be used here.  i guess i feel like there was a lot of emotion in the begining but it kind of trailed off.  how should i feel about this darkness?  but again, i think you do an excellent job with contrasts, most definitely not an easy task...

-carlo

wpwpoet
Member
since 2001-07-25
Posts 99

3 posted 2001-08-09 07:35 AM


to adress polarflame first-
i do agree that "eden" is a garden but it also is a concept denoting the spiritual place where humanity began; represetative of humanities perfection and the place of the fall of humanity. not that this helps for this is a difficult piece of work.
lost- the word "your" is used. I wonder why? to me with the tilte "eden" and what I get from the concept mabey you should not have it be that personal. almost like pointing a finger.
aprikot- when I read the title as a concept and not a place the use of the word darkness becomes spiritual. although it is a difficult read it becomes almost prophetic.
peace...wpwpoet

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