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Martie

Moderator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-09-21

Posts 28049
California

0 posted 1999-09-24 02:01 PM

The branch points
naked fingers
leaden
with the dull sureness
of winter.

A crow calls
to far off oak tree's
returning laughter.

Dancing leaves pirouette
on cement stages.
Mossy green tips the curb
and stains each brick
along the step.

The scrappy dirt lots of summer
are tall with dandelion
and lush with unknown
species of weed.

Along the road
each house holds
a living soul.

This one...
inner turmoil,
nagging doubt,
grief and sorrow.

That one...
suppressed feelings,
narrow judgement
off-color jokes.

Glance up,
this house holds
the smiles of children
and the naked loving of parents.

Behind this hedge
of privacy
hope and kindness abide
with the soft
eyelash of a blush.

This driveway leads
to curtained rooms
of warmth.

Tender at the window,
cry, the cradles of newness
hush, the mothers of lullabies,
protect, the fathers of children.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-09-25 06:41 AM

Martie,

I definitely like your style; it has a quiet strength that is very enjoyable to read.

I wonder if you might develop some of the ideas however. I think you might be able to go into some of the detail of each house a little bit more without losing that 'feel'.

Liked 'eyelash of a blush' line.
Didn't like the use of 'naked' (seems repetitive).

Definitely enjoyed this one,
Brad

Julie
Senior Member

since 1999-08-20

Posts 739
Houston, TX

2 posted 1999-09-25 08:23 PM

Overall I enjoyed this piece.
Just the part: "the naked loving of parents",
I seemed to get hung up there. Simplifying
I think may have made that easier...maybe
just saying the pure love of parents?

I'm no expert...just my thought.

------------------
Julie
-------------------------
Thou who has given so much to me,
give one thing more: a grateful heart.
>George Herbert

donovan blue
Junior Member

since 1999-09-21

Posts 26
austin,tx,usa

3 posted 1999-09-25 09:31 PM

I wanted to suggest more development also. I think the idea is great, but something remains a bit foggy. Just my humble opinion...
----------
donovan

Decaflame
Senior Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 1635

4 posted 2001-08-09 11:37 AM

I like reviewing your work from almost two years ago...

I like where your growth has taken you...

but you certainly were planting some good seeds way back when...

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