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Critical Analysis #1
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Tender Kiss
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Tender Kiss |
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Paula-Marie New Member
since 1999-10-31
Posts 9Durham, England |
Hello, Im new and would like your critique, ideas etc. Well, here is the first offering... The lights are off and all is still My heart it beats within my breast Will you tonight indulge my love and keep my body awake from rest I feel you move and turn my way your arms enfold me in silent bliss I offer myself in the slumbered dusk and await my love for your tender kiss |
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| © Copyright 1999 Paula-Marie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Systematic Decay Senior Member
since 1999-09-15
Posts 1301That place with padded walls and funny people in white......... |
It paints the picture for me, makes me feel the same thing you are writing about, and lets the reader use his/her imagination. I stumbled on a fwe lines, maybe you could fix the meter just a bit, smooth it out. All in all, I really like it. ------------------ Thinking is just what a great many people think they are doing when they are merely rearranging their predjudices. |
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
First of all I’d like to say welcome, it’s good to have another British writer on board. Now to the poem, all goes well until I hit line four it doesn’t quite flow. You could try losing the ‘and’ from the start or change the ‘awake from rest’ to ‘ from its rest ‘. Line six is a sticky one too, try removing the word ‘me’. I would be inclined to prune the last two lines as well but that is just personal choice and wouldn’t make that much difference. I hope that wasn’t too painful, this is of course only my opinion, if it helps I’m glad, if it doesn’t don’t be too mad. Above all carry on posting. Craig ------------------ Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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Paula-Marie New Member
since 1999-10-31
Posts 9Durham, England |
Thank you for that. I must admit I felt sick leaving my first "public" attempt but it was'nt too bad. I mainly write for my own pleasure-things like short stories for my children and simple poetry. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Paula...I like what you did on this one. I agree with Craig about the meter on those few lines and line eight also caught me a bit, perhaps taking for out on that would make it a bit better. All in all, I thought this was a good posting. Ruth |
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