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misplaced needs
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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misplaced needs |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
I am right and you are wrong no you are right and I am wrong I am weak and you are strong. sometimes I forget you need me. and I need you? you hurt me and I hurt you after all this pain, who wins? or do we both lose? there is a you. that you have made clear. but is there still a me? and, can you tell me what ever happened to we? but I am learning, to be strong, today the sun will shine and I will smile with or without you long deep sigh the format of this is different and I don't know if it works? ------------------ ©1999 Iloveit [This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 10-28-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Iloveit - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
I find this a little confusing, especially the stanza with the mulitple pronouns, but I think that the general concept of it is a good idea. I perceive it to be a crisis of identity brought on by someone who you care about (ex: "but is there still a me?" and "no, you are right and I am wrong") That's just my analysis though. I think that if you explained the feelings a little more clearly, it would work even better. I think the format is good though. It's unique and more spontaneous, it goes along with the erratic thoughts of the narrator. Overall, it's a good poem.  ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
roxanne thanks for your comments, I did rework it a bit, and hope it reads a bit easier, but overall you were right, it is just about confusion due to pain of a relationship |
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donovan blue Junior Member
since 1999-09-21
Posts 26austin,tx,usa |
A good rendering of your thoughts and confusion. As a reader, I found myself identifying with the emotions and remembering loves lost. A note of critique... I think the "long deep sigh" at the end is best implied rather than stated. I think I sighed before I read that last line... |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I read you poem before your modifications yesterday and then again today after they were made. The improvement in format makes it easier to read. I liked the way you communicated anxiety ... of being unable to find answers and, in fact, having to struggle to find the right questions. This, I think, added authenticity to the piece. Well done. |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
donovan, not sure what you mean by implied, but will think about it, please feel free to suggest what you think will work better jboulder, thanks, I knew what I wanted to convey, but just wasn't sure how to do it |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Iloveit...I agree with Jim on the fact this reads much better in it's revised state. I think a deep long sigh at the end takes away from this piece though...it fairs much better without that line. I like the message you are trying to portray and it comes across clear. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Tough one to go after but roxanne's view helped me to appreciate it more. Just a few suggestions (take them or leave them -- probably leave them): 1. 'you hurt me and I hurt you'-- You know me. Can't you set up a dialogue to try to show the hurt going on here. I think it's important to bring the reader into your life; give us the actual words. I don't know if that would help or hurt the erratic factor that roxanne mentioned but why not try multiple versions of the poem. Someone told me that Dylan Thomas, for example, had over 30 different complete versions of his last poem. 2. The last stanza reminds my of U2. Why not focus on the character of the day and try subtly to introduce the 'with or without you' theme. Just some ideas that popped in my head, Brad |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
thanks hoot and brad both, will try a rewrite on this one, it was never set in stone anyway, lol, more like jello trying to fall off the table, and me trying to help it with a fork instead of spoon lolol will rework and let you know |
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