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lack of communication
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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lack of communication |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
Lack of communication do you see me? do you really see *me*? you say "yes"...well, then can't you see that I just need to be left alone. All alone. I don't want to talk I don't want to listen I don't even want to think please just let me be, let my hands mindlessly complete my "oh so unimportant to you" tasks. over and over and over... the familiar repetition drowning the pain comfortably numbing. finally sleep appears and takes me away to the peace I seek I don't want to talk, I don't want to listen. ------------------ ©1999 Iloveit |
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| © Copyright 1999 Iloveit - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Well! Man....after reading this I don't know if I should say anything or not. Your not going to hurt me are you....sniff...sniff.. See you scard him. Don't be so mean. Be nice read my posts too. Please. |
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just me Junior Member
since 1999-10-29
Posts 15marysville, wa USA |
I liked it. Especially the punctuation you added for emphasis. Made it much more clear. Well, atleast for me, but then that's one of the ways that I like to write sometimes. The narrator in this poem could be me. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It seems like you're going through a rough time right now. Actually, I've written a poem with a very similar theme (I suppose I'll post it in a couple of days). I like the beginning and I like the ending. I'll just give a few suggestions: 1. drop comfortably numbing -- reminds me of Pink Floyd 2. What is the task you are doing? Can you show us what that is? I think this is the most interesting part of the poem and, in some ways, is very Zen. 3. I'd like to see a little more complexity in the speaker but since this might be more of a therapuetic poem, that's not really that important. I'd put it away for a couple of months and try to come back to it with a fresh eye. It's something I do all the time. 4. I hope we can compare notes once I post my poem. good luck, Brad |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Iloveit....I think this piece is a something that a lot of people can relate to. With the repeated lines: "I don't want to talk I don't want to listen" it reads a lot like lyrics to a song. It flows well through out, I don't see any problem there. I don't really know what to say about this other than I think it was well written. SO consider this a good critique  |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
merlynh, lol, sorry I scaird you, and no, am not usually mean, this is directed at one specific person ...... just me, sending you hugs, if this poem coudl be you, you need them brad, yep, and will look forward to your poem, and yes you read it right, it was a get it out of your head before you scream at the wrong person kind of poem ....will think about your suggestions, and let you read if I do a rewrite, thanks thanks hoot, good critiques are welcome as much as rough ones |
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