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Cincinnati Winter Afternoon - Revised
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Cincinnati Winter Afternoon - Revised |
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EllenMoran Junior Member
since 2002-01-03
Posts 24 |
I posted this in Open yesterday, but have been tinkering with it since then (probably the wrong order on the forums; oops! oh well). Appreciate any constructive criticism -- I'm still struggling with parts, but seem to be going in circles, so I thought I'd get some fresh perspectives. "It’s 24 degrees outside and dropping fast," rattles the tin man in my dashboard. It flashes 5:02 below a mist of synthetic water; Some freezes, explosions captured; others carve streaks on sloped glass. I turn towards the river, weaving through clumps of trucks and trees, sun-shadow blinding in reflections from icy starbursts; the wipers squawk in vain. I bob my head like a tangled puppet, struggling to make the left sans bumper-car reenactments -- and I’m through. And the radioman has oiled his voice, purring just over the engine “You’re listening to NPR.” While steep banks melt in pumpkin-rose floes Across 50 East |
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| © Copyright 2002 Ellen Moran - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
ellen-- nice poem here, wonderfully evocative of a winter afternoon, and a journey home. i've read the piece a few times now (long story, but i have sort of a soft spot for cincinnatti, lol), and here's a few thoughts i had: initially didn't like the tin man, but it's growing on me, lol. not sure what you mean by "synthetic water"...? the next two lines following that phrase seem a little awkward. not sure about clumps of trucks... and weaving through clumps of trees sounds like you've gone off the road, driving across grass now or something. loved the blinding reflections of icy starbursts on the windshield. "sans bumper car reenactments"... came across a little forced and awkward to me. liked the tin man of the first stanza oiling his voice at the end; nice touch. i was a little confused by the ending. the speaker sees snow and ice on a steep bank along the river, kind of orangish-red in the sunset light? ok... but why is the bank melting when "it's 24 degrees outside and dropping fast"? except for the melting, i loved that final image, it's so simple and beautiful, and it makes a nice end-point for the journey. i also liked the route 50 detail, although i'd move it up with the rest of that stanza to strengthen the ending, instead of having it set apart on its own line. nice job on this, ellen...thanks for sharing it with us. jenni |
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Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 197Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A. |
Ellen, I liked this one. Of course, I know first hand what you're talking about. I liked the 'tin man in my dashboard' I agree with jenni about the 'synthetic water'. I'm not sure what that means unless you're talking about the taste of the tap water around here! I like the tangled puppet image very much. 'Weaving through clumps of trucks' is a nice image but 'trees'? Cincinnati is a very tree laden city but I don't think 'clumps' is exactly the right word. Perhaps you could try 'While steep banks slide in pumpkin-rose floes'? 'Slide' reinforces the 'steep' better in my opinion. On a personal note, I think it should be '50 west' That's how I drive home every day. hehehe Nice images overall, my compliments, Ian Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen |
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EllenMoran Junior Member
since 2002-01-03
Posts 24 |
Thank you both for your comments. Definitely a lot of work left for me to do on this one! Ian- wow, another Cincinnatian! I actually live just east of downtown on 50, so the "clumps of trees" was the best way I could describe the odd mix of trees/buildings/trees/buildings near my place. I'll keep hammering away on that one. |
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Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith Member
since 2000-02-12
Posts 197Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A. |
Ellen, Yeah, I've been in Cinti for about seven years now. I like the town but it's become a bit too small for me lately (see 'Blind Me'). I'm almost ready to try New York or Seattle or someplace that isn't quite so conservative. Just east of downtown, eh? I live just west in Price Hill (the better part of Price Hill, thank you very much!) I thought about this piece as I drove home from work at sunset today. The sky was the most remarkable shade of orange-red! I couldn't help but look over the bank to see those pumpkin-rose floes. Then I almost ran into a clump of trucks! Up by Mount Echo park, it's more like mounds of trees than clumps. 'Clumps' sounds so isolated and small. 'Mounds' sounds more voluminous and vast to my ear. Ah well, I don't get out to the east side very often these days, maybe they are more like clumps over there. Write what you know, right? I still like this poem. You've left me with a lasting image. Ian The noblest battles are always fought in vain -Cyrano de Bergerac [This message has been edited by Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith (01-08-2002 02:22 AM).] |
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C? Member
since 2001-12-29
Posts 190 |
woah!! I love this!! I can't wait to read more from ya!! I guess my only criticism would be the break down in stanzas at the end...not that it can't be cool, just that you seemed to have established the poem earlier, and it sort of just .....fades out....try cramming the end into another big fat verse!!  |
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C? Member
since 2001-12-29
Posts 190 |
wait a second...I get it now!! I was too tired last night when I wrote the above |
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EllenMoran Junior Member
since 2002-01-03
Posts 24 |
You're the first person who has, so no worries Just a bit of whimsy on my part that probably won't be carried through to the next version. |
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