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sin
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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sin |
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woodtic Member
since 2002-01-06
Posts 87 |
Us the wiser ones we have more. Our due it would seem for being born. Education and degree laud our wisdom and decree. For us the plenty, it's been said, then make sure the others fed. For us so rich for them so poor. We'll manage ours, we'll give them more. Thinking, wise, thoughts so grand. Tested by time but still no stand! What proof there is? This can be seen clearly pictured on tele. screen. Withered lips, rotting gums, withered legs, dam near no bum. T.V. Preacher Rolex on wrist, beats his pulpit with his fist crys of love and then relates, not to give, is to then hate.! If this be true then what be said of his fine mansion canopy bed? Are these the trappings of men of love with claims of missions from above? To give so little to ones so thin. Tell me then what is sin? |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi woodtic, First I want to welcome you to the forum. I see this is your first post and I do have a minute for a short comment or two on your poem. I think you have a good start here. Of course, this is a subject which has been done many times before but your approach is a little different. That's a good thing. I'm not sure you have chosen the best format though. the subject (I think anyway) is intended to be taken seriously but I can't help bet be reminded of those loveable ole Burma Shave signs from this format. You might consider longer lines and more carefully chosen rhymes in a couple of places where it seems just a little forced. Of course, this is all just one opinion. And check your email too. Thanks and welcome, Pete |
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Shou-Lao Junior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 48 |
Welcome, I’m with Pete on this one (I’ll have to stop doing that).  I’d change it to longer four line stanzas and try and cut back on the use of ‘us’ in the first few verses. |
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Opeth Senior Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 1543The Ravines |
Us the wiser ones we have more. Grammatically incorrect Our due it would seem for being born. same again Education and degree laud our wisdom and decree. Education and degree laud? For us the plenty, and again it's been said, then make sure the others fed. You give no reason to use the word "then." For us so rich for them so poor. We'll manage ours, we'll give them more. Thinking, wise, thoughts so grand. incorrect punctuation...I will stop here. I like your idea, but this has numerous grammatical and punctuation errors. [/b] |
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woodtic Member
since 2002-01-06
Posts 87 |
dear dear grammar and punctuation grind at my little efforts and you'll find that what i wrote in haste will stand for what i ment a fist or hand can do the job but with the pen you hurt the slob who only wants the feel to flow and little marks wont help this show. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Remember the name of this forum is Critical Analysis and the purpose is critique. From such, we try to improve our writing. Grammar and punctuation are an essential part of writing. The content of course is paramount but if it is not intelligible, it is of little or no consequence. Proper (or at least recognizable) grammar and punctuation serve the critical function of making the message clear. We all make mistakes along those lines and those are excusable. But I always get much more from something written right, because it is so much more understandable. As a result I am much more likely to read it if it is well written. I think many others share this trait. Well, that's just my opinion anyway. Pete |
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woodtic Member
since 2002-01-06
Posts 87 |
Thank you Pete. It is a good opinion. Years ago, in high school, I had the urge to write.I was however chastised for poor grammar and never encouraged for content. Assuming that the content bore consideration. this teacher would pick out words he disagreed with and scorn the use of them. Scorn the effort, really, by continually focussing what he considered the failings. Anyway just an old memory, thought forgotten and stirred a little irk in me. But I didn't write for twenty years, forgot I even thought I could. This little poem I put down here is really sort of best read allowd, I think like a song or a performance. The choppyness of the form, if that is the correct term is for the vocal style of it and the commas are were the pause or emphesis on the word/thought seems to make sence. I really have no skills for grammar, spelling is always a challenge and I am right out there on the far side of my skin when it comes to being comfortable putting anything down for anyone to read. I really appreciate that any one has read and bother to comment at all. So thank you. |
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