Untitled ( in need of some polishing).

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Ven
Member

since 2001-10-01

Posts 102
U.K.

0 posted 2002-01-01 07:25 PM

This one has attracted a vast range of varying coments, from "awsome and thought provoking" to
"Juvenile untalented steriotypical rubbish"
So what do you think, is worthy of polishing or binning?
Untitled.

They came to your village
to burn your witches.
Not one word in defence,
did you manage to say.
They took your eccentrics
and locked them in cages.
You averted your eye's
as they dragged them away.

They labeled your children
as problem delinquents.
For having the courage
to just disagree.
Then took them to purpose built
buildings of learning,
where they rendered them harmless,
then set them free.

As mindless, voiceless, faceless no ones
Dumped in the rabble of weak
Who when faced with lifes injustices,
were too afraid to speak.

Some birth instilled, with mortal a fear,
of ever standing out,
of admitting to having a single voice,
of daring to learn to shout.

Shuffling onwards from day to day,
merging with the crowd.
Thier voices low and whispersome,
thier heads eternally bowed

So take your place among them now
and if it should occur,
that someone points a finger at you
and says "I think its her".

Because she is looks abnormally tall
and her skin is far too pale,
her eyes are set too deep
and she bears the Devils mark,
speaks a different language,
or tells a different tale,
giggles when she breaks the rhyme,
Dances in the dark.

Evidence ... "vague and flimsey".
yet we know what verdict we'll see,
for the power of "THEM" is awsome.
they decide what the outcome will be.

They'll invent for you a persona,
of "DAMAGED" and "CANNOT BE HEALED".
Once the masses are told that their better than you,
your fate is decided and sealed.

You understand their power,
in the blinking of an eye.
as they pronounce you guilty of "not fitting in"
and prove your defence, a lie.

From within you find your voice,
Accepting...what its for.
Then ironic saddness raises its head
as your shouts make you stand out more.
protesting, screaming, hysterically,
while watching your fate pan out.
Beads of sweat appear on your brow,
as the eyes of your friends fill with doubt
and you watch the whispers encircle the group.
See loyalty ... start to sway,
as each of your trusted, avert their eyes
and look the other way.

Each searching for justification,
to help them harness the guilt.
Each giving their pride as a sacrifice,
to this civilised world they've built.

As for you, in this, your final hour ...
you deserve no axe to grind.
For you walked that walk in the very same shoes,
when the Witches and Madmen were tried.

but a thought invaded my concious mind,
once you'd snatched your final breath.
I think your spirit put it there,
as it left this place of death.
It spoke with a quiet confident voice
as it passed the knowledge on,
It said "To shout your message loud",
and sing your protest song,
Has its place in the furtherment of
of this, the human race.
But many who instigate awsome change,
never show their face.
What evolution requires of us
is to share the truths we've found
and without any discrimination,
share the knowledge around.

So I, with my voice low and whispersome.
Without need to stand out, or be loud,
will share the facts with all I can.
As I mingle, unseen, in the crowd

by Ven.

Mac Attack
Member

since 2001-12-12

Posts 100
Ontario, Canada

1 posted 2002-01-04 08:53 PM

I think you have a potent message here (great ending), which we call all identify with, but the message gets muddled in the excessive abyss of written communication. (good topic, too wordy).

You have some great lines:

"Shuffling onwards from day to day,
Merging with the crowd.
Their voices low and whispersome,
(With) heads eternally bowed"

"So I, with my voice low and whispersome.
Without need to stand out, or be loud,
Will share the facts with all I can.
As I mingle, unseen, in the crowd"

(While I do realize that “whispersome” is not a word, I like the feeling it generates). But some passages seem redundant. You may want to find a way to tighten up your message by using fewer words to evoke the meaning.

Just a suggestion... I hope it helps.

Ian Llewellyn ap-Griffith
Member

since 2000-02-12

Posts 197
Cincinnati, Oh, U.S.A.

2 posted 2002-01-06 12:59 PM

'They came to your village
to burn your witches.
(to eradicate witches)
Not one word in defence,
(Not a word in defence)
did you manage to say.
They took your eccentrics
and locked them in cages.
You averted your eye's
as they dragged them away.

They labeled your children
as problem delinquents.
For having the courage
to just disagree.
Then took them to purpose built
(Then took them to purpose)
buildings of learning,
(Built buildings of learning)
where they rendered them harmless,
then set them free.'
(And then set them free)

I really liked these first two stanzas!
The lines in parenthesese are my suggested revisions. I think theses stanzas would flow better this way. The meter would be more consistant and very fast paced and hard hitting.
After the first two stanzas, it does get a bit wordy and you lose the impact by changing the meter and number of lines per stanza.
Also, some of the lines don't make sense to me, such as:
'Dumped in the rabble of weak'
and
'Some birth instilled, with mortal a fear,'

I do like the message you are relating here. This is not something you should scrap. Keep working on it and you should come up with something pretty powerful.
Ian

Your pain is for you alone, As it is, As it was, As it will be forever, Amen
-The Prophet Qa'sepel

The noblest battles are always fought in vai

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

3 posted 2002-01-06 11:06 AM

Hi Ven, I was waiting for you to get some other replies before I replied...This is a wonderful poem. I am not one to critique yet, but I love this, and knew it had a lot of potential..this certainly is not to be trashed..That other site is so unbelievable. I feel sorry for the people there that get trashed.you are a good writer. floria

Bec
Member

since 2001-02-23

Posts 475
Canberra

4 posted 2002-01-10 04:04 AM

Ven...

I read this on the other site, and I loved it. I didn't realise it was on this one until I was having a bit of a "lurk" in CA. I think this is a wonderful poem. I really love the lines

"giggles when she breaks the rhyme,
Dances in the dark"

It made me think of mischevious girls just wanting to have fun, but getting caught up in the terror of the witch trials.

Great write, and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise!

Bec

"Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they can find you."
-Winnie-the-Pooh

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