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Roberta Little
Junior Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 42
beloit wi usa

0 posted 2002-01-03 01:37 PM

Shorty's Courage by: Roberta Little

I know you and you've been through hell,
and yet you're still alive.
You have been battered, abused, and abandoned;
but yet you're still alive.
You are couragous, loving, and kind.
You have been scared and you have been happy.
You have been strong even through your fear.
You live your life day to day,
and even though you're scared you don't run away.
I've seen you so unhappy that you would like to die,
but yet you're still alive.
That fact alone is a true testimony of your courage,
because even after the point of breaking;
you are still alive.
For that I love you Shorty Girl,
for that I always will.
I care about you Shorty Girl,
because you're still alive.

Soleil Noir
Senior Member

since 2001-12-19

Posts 688
USA

1 posted 2002-01-03 01:44 PM

Welcome to Passions. I would deduce [and I could be wrong, have been known to be] that this poem is about you, and your struggles through life. It is also apparent [but maybe only to me] that you have succeeded in many areas that others have yet to acknowledge.

I wish you well in your writing, and look forward to seeing more.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2002-01-03 03:40 PM

Hi Roberta,

Welcome to PIP and the CA (Critical Analysis) forum. It's always good to hear new voices. I hope you enjoy it here.

Check your email for a message.

Thanks,
Pete

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2002-01-03 11:01 PM

I like the first two lines. It sets it up for a fast-paced staccato type piece.

After that this becomes too abstract to really mean anything to me- every time I finished a line I had a journalistic series of questions on my mind- who, what where, why, when, how?? Your poem should attempt to elaborate, focusing on at least one (preferably more) of these questions. Get specific- tell us exactly how something was done or felt, use your own descriptions, get in-depth with it. Tell us how you saw it, be personal, don't give us "just the facts, ma'am." We're interested in your perceptions.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

4 posted 2002-01-04 11:11 AM

I know you and you've been through hell,
and yet you're still alive.
You have been battered, abused, and abandoned;
but yet you're still alive.
You are couragous, loving, and kind.
You have been scared and you have been happy.
Here is where you change meter and begin using the word "you" too many times.
You have been strong even through your fear.
You live your life day to day,
and even though you're scared you don't run away.
this is not a rhyming poem, yet those 2 above lines make it seem to be so.
I've seen you so unhappy that you would like to die,the previous line is awkwardly structured
but yet you're still alive.
That fact alone is a true testimony of your courage,
because even after the point of breaking;
you are still alive.
For that I love you Shorty Girl,
for that I always will.
I care about you Shorty Girl,
because you're still alive.
[b]the ending lines then revert back to the style from the beginning. This poem needs "tightened up."

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

5 posted 2002-01-04 04:53 PM

Welcome. I haven't really critiqued anything in some time. But I read this.
Opeth is right, the word "you" is well overdone. There's too much repetition in this poem. It tries to tell us something but we never really know why this person is "abused" or what happened. There is no specifics. If I could make one strong suggestion, I would say this entire poem could have been written in four lines and said the same thing. The reader doesn't want to have to wade through to get to the meaning. I would also suggest making this into a rhyming piece, something with more form.

Best of luck to you and never give up writing, critique is a bit hard on us though, believe me, I've been there!

My perception of truth will somehow never quite be the same..and so I write.

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

6 posted 2002-01-05 05:40 PM

Welcome to the forum, there are wonderful people here, you will like it. nice poem here. floria

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