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Searching For The Light
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Searching For The Light |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859
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Ok, I am exposing myself here...you can rip into this if you like.. I wrote it about my sorrow, I was looking for some peace. I wanted to keep this rhyme scheme, but am worried about the poem itself. The wording. sooooo anything you can say to me. I will accept..thanks, floria Searching For The Light Walking down the path to sorrow Unsure of the route I take Searching for some peace and comfort Through the night I lay awake So I trudge along this way, hoping for a brighter day, Knowing not if I should greet, any soul that I would meet. Dark and dreary is this journey. I know not what I'll behold Long and narrow is the path now And so heavy is my load. Hoping for a sweet release,praying that this pain will cease, Needing for someone to care, someone who my soul would bear. Then I see a bright light shining. Through the dark and dreary way Opening a whole new entrance To a brightly shining day, No longer do I feel so sad, neither sorrow neither bad. I no longer feel alone, For my Light has for me shone. So I travel on my journey And lighted now is my way Peace, joy and contentement follow Casting all my fears away My soul is now so full of love, My son is watching from above Knowing that we miss him so, Feeling all the love we show. Floria aka strbbux [This message has been edited by strbbux (12-30-2001 08:27 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Floria Kelderhouse - All Rights Reserved | |||
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lizzyluv Junior Member
since 2001-12-27
Posts 46nh, usa. we suck. |
hmm, the emtion comes across, but i'm having a really hard time dealing w/the rhyme and cliche. after a couple edits, it couold be really good, though. the spirit, i like. "everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Thanks Lizzy, I am so very unsure of this piece. I kind of like the rhyme scheme but it needs some work and I don't have a clue what it needs. I hope someone helps me with this..I so appreciate your response. floria |
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lizzyluv Junior Member
since 2001-12-27
Posts 46nh, usa. we suck. |
well, the rhymes mostly work, but a few are really obvious. i'm not one to talk to about rhyme schemes; i don't use them. but some of the imagery could be relooked and maybe substited w/more apt phrases. i'm not sure what else to address. "everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Thanks Lizzy I will wait for a few more replys on this one. floria |
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Shou-Lao Junior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 48 |
Walking down the path to sorrow Unsure of the route I take Walking seems too direct to me; too sure to fit the next line, try to find another word that captures the feeling of being lost or unsure. You don’t even have to use one that describes your means of locomotion, the reader isn’t interested whether you’re walking or riding a horse! They’ll pick up the fact that your moving from the context of the lines, spending time describing something that the readers will guess themselves is just a waste of words, and words are precious commodities in poetry. Here’s what I mean: Blindfold down the path to sorrow Unsure of the route to take This is only an example, I’m not suggesting you use it but it will suffice to show you what I mean. The lines still invoke the feeling of movement thanks to the words ‘path’ and ‘route’ but replacing the redundant word ‘walking’ with ‘blindfold’ has accentuated the feeling of being lost. This word replacement exercise can be repeated all the way through your poem, while you’re doing it remember the reader will fill in any gaps, in fact in poetry sometimes less is more – it gives the readers something to think about. |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Shou Lao I was desperately looking for some input on this. I didnt want to "trash it" and I was stuck.I was not sure what was wrong with it and where to go with it. You have given me something to work with. and I cant wait to get started. Thanks so much for the input. I so appreciate it. Floria  |
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Mac Attack Member
since 2001-12-12
Posts 100Ontario, Canada |
Hi Floria, I’m new here so please bear with me. You have asked for some assistance, so I am responding to that request with a few suggestions: 1) You may want to use more punctuation and separate the verses to give more impact. 2) Some minor changes (below) may help make message cleaner.. ”Lost along” the path to sorrow, Unsure of the route I take. Searching for some peace and comfort Throughout the night I lay awake. (removing “walking” will be less contradictory as you “lay awake” in the next line) So I “struggle” along this way, Hoping for a brighter day. Knowing not if I should greet, Any soul that I would meet. (change trudge to struggle, keeping with mental not physical conflict as suggested earlier) Anyway, you get the idea. I think if you try reworking using these small suggestions, you will find your piece moves at a cleaner pace with a little clearer message. This is just my two cents worth, you don’t have to spend it on my suggestions! Lol! Good luck, and I look forward to the re-write. It is worth the effort! Mac |
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amusemi Senior Member
since 2001-12-08
Posts 1262A State of Disarray |
I agree with Mac. And here's a misspell (like I ever get spelling right!) contentement s/b contentment lose the "e" I did like this, though! Good job! |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Dear mac, thank you so much, between you and shou loa I will most certainly be able to "fix" this poem. I didnt want to trash it, but I needed some help. I appreciate your input here. floria |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Amuseme,,,LOL, I am a bad speller but I always spellcheck, and since this is mispelled I must not have done it..thanks. think I'll go back to school LOL. floria |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
With much help I have re written this, thank you Shou loa..Give credit where credit is due..Floria Searching For The Light Blindfold down the path to sorrow; Unsure of the route to take. Desperate for peace and comfort Through the night I lie awake. Dark and fearful is my journey Through the nightmares that unfold, Long and narrow is the path now And so heavy is my load. Suddenly a light, full shining; A beacon on this frightful way, Could this now be my salvation? Will my fear be held at bay? No longer blinded by my sorrow I no longer stand alone, Hands clasped tight in recognition Of the Light that I’ve been shown. Now I travel on my journey Faith to guide me as I go, Cradled in a new contentment Bathed within its afterglow. My heart now, full of hope, is reaching To the son that slipped away Whispering how much I miss him And how we’ll meet again one day. Floria © 2002 |
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Mac Attack Member
since 2001-12-12
Posts 100Ontario, Canada |
OMG. This came out powerful and (dare I say) perfect! (You have shown an amazing ability to take a few small suggestions and make this rewrite great.) Thanks for sparing this from the trash bin and taking the time to work on it. I certainly appreciate the effort you've put in because I found myself sitting here with my mouth hanging open while I was reading it. Bravo! Mac |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Mac, I humbly say this. thank you to all of you here who help me and see me through.. sometimes the soul speaks, but the structure is weak... I love this site so much for the love that all of you show, and for all the learning experience I am getting here that I so sorely need. Thank you Mac for your kind reply..floria |
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wolf Junior Member
since 2002-01-04
Posts 10Hamilton (Steeltown) |
Hi Floria. Very nice poem, full of feeling and love. The suggestions above are good ones and on re-write made your poem read and sound a lot smoother. May I suggest a couple more changes? Blindfold down the path to sorrow; Change to: Lonely" down the "road" of sorrow. Suddenly a light, full shining; Change to: Suddenly a "clear light" shining. A beacon on this frightful way, Change to: A beacon on "my" frightful way. Could this now be my salvation? Change to: Could this "really be" salvation. No longer blinded by my sorrow change to: No "more" blinded by my sorrow. My heart now, full of hope, is reaching Change to: My heart, now full of hope "and" reaching. My reason for the above suggested changes are, there are to many repetitive words and they impede the flow and the rhythm of the poetry. However, there are no hard and fast rules and you have to go with what is right for you. So please take my suggestions with a few grains of salt. wolf [This message has been edited by wolf (01-05-2002 03:18 PM).] |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Dear Wolf, I never turn down critiques as it is the only way to learn. And I certainly thank you for your contribution to helping me. I will print this out and look very closely at your suggestions. I thank you so very much for reading and taking the time to do a good critique. floria |
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