A Time for Beginning(revised)

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aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

0 posted 2002-01-01 01:42 PM

Ring...ring...the bell goes tolling:
twelve, followed by music
hanging in the air with fireworks
tingeing the sky with sparkling hues.

As the hands of the clock are turning,
one...one second passes midnight;
a year is gone, the next second is counting
the next year's beginning.

As the fireworks are fading,
the sky becomes clear
just as the mind becomes light
with the stars shining bright.

And as the music intertwines
with the night of sleep,
The night seems to fall
In a peaceful dream.

~Flower lasts so an hour, yet spring will brings her back to life again.
~Just when I thought it is too far away, opportunity knocks the door

[This message has been edited by aries_luv_ppl (01-02-2002 08:00 PM).]

lizzyluv
Junior Member

since 2001-12-27

Posts 46
nh, usa. we suck.

1 posted 2002-01-01 06:22 PM

hmm, i'm not quite sure how to respond. the scansion was a little much, and there were quite a few glaring cliches.
my diagnonsense: give it an edit or two

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

2 posted 2002-01-02 11:35 AM

I like this.

I like the wordplay in the first two stanzas- I think if you worked some of that into the last two, the ending could be stronger... as is, it falls a little flat and sounds a bit cliche.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2002-01-02 01:35 PM

As Hush said, it seems to fall off a little toward the end. I don't see anything as sounding too cliche but that last stanza almost gives the impression of a Hallmark card. Also, it sounds better to me if you said night starS shing instead of night star. Unless, of course, there was some meaning intended that I missed.

Thanks,
Pete

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

4 posted 2002-01-02 03:16 PM

lizzy: I'll be more aware of cliches in my writing

hush: thanks I would try to work on something in the last two stanza

Not a Poet: Ya, definitely change the last stanza. I wrote the last stanza just b4 I went to bed.

Thanks for all suggestions! If someone else have more to say, please post so. I'm all ear.

Eliza Simmons
~Flower lasts so an hour, yet spring will brings her back to life again.

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