Sweet Rememberance (revised)

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aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

0 posted 2002-01-01 01:52 PM

On this mild night with mild wind
stepping on the thin air of the last breath
of December's rememberance, with
bitter sweet wine closing our hesitate thoughts
we ponder towards the glimpse
of first light in the new page in our memory.

Waiting with uncertainties yet with hopes,
with certain comfort in the moistness of the air,
the mind is in an unclear state of doubt.
With the silence awakes the lonely soul
of the ground, which may solace the troubles of heart,
that would rekindle its goodness under the solos of pianos.

As choruses echo back from the ends of the streets,
the scents of candles bring warmth to sleeves,
as the candles' light quiets the storm of the minds.
As the flames come to the end, the year closes;
our bodies soften into the sofa
with sweet remembrance of yesterday's dreams.

//thanks Lord! My friend was over my house on New Year Eve to sit by my side when I wrote this. He has saved me from

~Flower lasts so an hour, yet spring will brings her back to life again.
~Just when I thought it is too far away, opportunity knocks the door

[This message has been edited by aries_luv_ppl (01-02-2002 07:57 PM).]

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

1 posted 2002-01-01 11:39 PM

I like this. There are a few things that kind of jar me, though.

In stanza one, I really enjoyed the imagery and flow- but I think all the "of's" are a little distracting. Maybe you could eliminate one or more by using the 's to show posession? Also, I think in "wine of bitter sweet" it would be simpler and more direct to just say "bitter sweet wine."

In stanza two, I like the first three lines. The last three lost me though... what is The Heart of Troubles? The piano solo didn't make much sense to me either.

Stanza three is nice... but I don't necessarily think 'nice' is the right way to end a poem. I really like the image of bodies softening into the sofa... other than that, you might try to play with your wording or images a little more. As is, the candles and sweet remembrance don't leave too much of a lasting impression.

Hope I've helped.

"I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
I think I been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out"

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

2 posted 2002-01-02 03:24 PM

hi hush! Thanks for replying...You always post something when other didn't reply.

Glad you're my first reply.

I will do something about 'of'. I don't know why I like to use, with & of in my poems. Maybe I should practice writing long sentence in a simple way.

Ayia, I should say Troubles of Heart instead of Heart of Troubles. Thanks for pointing that out. What I mean in the last three line of the stanza is that the piano rekindle the goodness. Cuz I like the idea that music heal our soul.

What would you suggest in the third stanza? My orignal idea was that the sofa is soft with mild candle light that one in dreams with rememberance of happiness.

Eliza Simmons
~Flower lasts so an hour, yet spring will brings her back to life again.

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