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Water and Wind (rewrite)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Water and Wind (rewrite) |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I hear the wind whose words are low Beneath the sound of the river flow But rivers and waters don't pass near And life doesn't explode here. I thought they moved the leaves, I thought They moved the wind a half-tone higher I thought they singed the leaves With gasoline fire. A half-tone higher than it was before I hear the wind whose words are low Beneath the sound of the river flow A half-tone higher than it was before. With gasoline fire I thought they singed the leaves And moved the wind a half-tone higher, I thought they moved the leaves, I thought, "But life doesn't explode here And rivers and waters don't pass near, But in the sound of the river flow, I hear the words whose wind we sow." |
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| © Copyright 2001 Brad - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Shou-Lao Junior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 48 |
Nice use symmetry here Brad, I re-read the first draft and have to say I prefer this one. One question, have you contemplated compounding the symmetry by completely repeating the end words top to bottom? Low Flow Near Hear Thought Higher Leaves Fire Before Low (Flow) Low Before Fire Leaves Higher Thought Hear Near Flow Sow) Low I know it would be the equivalent of word origami trying to make sure it made sense grammatically at the same time but it might be worth a thought. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Brad, I also like this version better. The last 2 stanzas replacing one from the original really brings it full circle. I wonder if you have created a new form here? Or maybe it should be. I really don't see anything to change. Oh, I know I would usually complain about the inconsistent rhythm but it is obvious that you intended it in this case. I think that works with the varied rhyme scheme. Actually, the reason I usually complain about inconsistent meter is when it is obvious that the writer didn't realize it in a rhyming poem. Does that make any sense? Thanks, Pete |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
Brad, I love this. I so loved reading it and could read it over and over. It keeps the reader interested. floria |
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lizzyluv Junior Member
since 2001-12-27
Posts 46nh, usa. we suck. |
i really liked this. it was interesting, and your voice is very lyrical and strong. your imagry and intent are clear and there's nothing i can find to critisize, which is rare. i like the flow and the concept. it's beautiful. "everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block |
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