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Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

0 posted 2001-12-24 10:37 AM

Song of Depression

Mountains rise to jab the sky,
Her summits wear steel of snow.
Cloudlets flood the darkening sky,
Here neither daises nor glacier lilies grow.

Meandering gushing streams
Of liquid crystal wash pebbles clean.
Sea of pinewood knitted in green
Are all memories of walks in my dream.

I am afraid to hold on,
The pain of age to feel,
The will to live has long gone,
Your kissing powers will not heal.

When I take my final breath,
Sprinkle speckles of snow upon my bed,
Welcome in the song of death,
I am deity. I am not dead.

Copyright © 2001 Asif Ahmed. All rights reserved.

Shou-Lao
Junior Member

since 2001-10-12

Posts 48

1 posted 2001-12-24 12:25 PM

Englishpoet

The rhymes seem a little forced I could almost guess what the end words were going to be (though you threw me using sky twice in the first stanza). I also had trouble with the uneven line lengths, it could be that this was planned but if it was it doesn’t seem to work, I just ended up struggling to get into any sort of rhythm.

One last thing, with a title like ‘Song of Depression’ I was expecting it to be a little more....well depressed.

Thanks for the chance to reply

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

2 posted 2001-12-24 01:09 PM

I like the sentiment here Asif,, I agree with Shou that your last two verses have shorter lines. This is rather sad, but not really depressing.
You may want to think about Song of Sadness, or some other title, and just work a bit on the lines. The third verse seems to speak of human life? I do like this, it has great potential. IMHO.. and believe me Asif, my opinion is indeed humble, as I am. Being a fairly new writer compared to others on this forum.. but we learn, Floria

"learning, ever learning"

Opeth
Senior Member

since 2001-12-13

Posts 1543
The Ravines

3 posted 2001-12-27 12:53 PM

Mountains rise to jab the sky,
Her summits wear steel of snow.
The first line works, but I don't understand how snow and steel work together.
Cloudlets flood the darkening sky,
Here neither daises nor glacier lilies grow.

Meandering gushing meandering and gushing back to back is akward streams
Of liquid crystal wash pebbles clean.
Sea of pinewood knitted in green
Are all memories of walks in my dream.

I am afraid to hold on,
The pain of age to feel,
The will to live has long gone,
Your kissing powers will not heal.

When I take my final breath,
Sprinkle speckles of snow upon my bed,
Welcome in the song of death,
I am missing a connector deity. I am not dead.

Overall, I enjoyed the imagery and the subject matter of this poem.

lizzyluv
Junior Member

since 2001-12-27

Posts 46
nh, usa. we suck.

4 posted 2001-12-27 09:38 PM

i tend to have an extremely hard time feeling that rhyme is guiless, but this poem clings to my mind. the imagry was good, and i have no objection to steel snow. i rather like it. the choppiness appealed to me, but then look at what I write. so i'm not sure that's any real encouragement. but i liked this. it was real. it was accurate. and it was just articulate enough for my tastes.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

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