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SunShine913

Member

since 2001-08-19

Posts 211
Italy but from NC

0 posted 2001-11-15 09:13 PM

Do you ever think of me
Or smell the scent of my perfume
Then feel a smile come to your lips
While it lingers in the room?

Do you ever miss me
And wish that I was there
Making wonderful love all night
Out in the nighttime air?

Do you ever look up at the stars
Wondering if I'm looking at them, too
Then make a wish upon one of them
That I was there with you?

Do you ever cry with sadness
'Cuz I left this earth too soon
Do I bring you wonderful memories
As you stare up at the moon?

Do you ever feel cheated
For not doing all we planned to do
And did I make you happy enough
During the little time I had with you?

Just know I am always with you
Don't ever forget that- please!
And that it's my lips kissing you
Every time you feel a gentle breeze.

*!~!* Andrea *!~!*

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

1 posted 2001-11-15 11:07 PM

Nice=)

Lizzy Vivian

~A little sour add to taste of life.
~The first two cup of tea is to throw away; what remains is the best of all.
~Blessed are those who find ordina

dreamer1 12 5 24
Member

since 2000-12-11

Posts 150
crossing between

2 posted 2001-11-16 07:57 PM

I like the poem, I thought it was well written, I just wanted to suggest removing the comma in the line

"Wondering if I'm looking at them, too"

Other than that, I enjoyed it.

The day is brighter, but the dawn is sweetest.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

3 posted 2001-11-19 10:49 PM

This has a sweet flow, but I think it's too universal. Specifics might make it apply a little less directly to everyone... and that's a good thing.

Personalize this some. You describe memories that are common to many couples- tell us what makes it so special between these two particular people. Also, a little information about how the speaker died would be very enlightening and helpful to the reader.

"this is not who I meant to be
this is not how I meant to feel" -Ani DiFranco

Tony Di Bart
Member

since 2000-01-26

Posts 160
Toronto, Canada

4 posted 2001-12-10 09:57 PM

Hello

The last two lines where great. THe rest of it is a little to mushy for me. I need a little more meat in each line. Dig deeper into the lonliness and the missing. Why, where did he go? I get you died... maybe, but then suck me into your post mortem lonliness.

thanks see ya

It was nice

[This message has been edited by Tony Di Bart (edited 12-10-2001).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

5 posted 2001-12-11 05:49 PM

Hi Andrea,

I think it is pretty nice. A little universal, perhaps and a little too sweet too. But there is plenty of room for that in poetry. You have a couple of places where the rhyme seems a little forced and a couple of lines which break rhythm perhaps. Then there are a couple of lines which seem a little too "hallmarkish." I know we use that cliche too much but if you study it after a few days, I think you will see what I mean. I do think you have a good start here and would like to see a revision.

Thanks,
Pete

strbbux
Member Elite

since 2001-12-19

Posts 3859

6 posted 2001-12-21 03:17 PM

From one woman to another, I think this was really nice, a nice poem. Soft. strbbux

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

7 posted 2001-12-21 09:01 PM

When you go to Italy perhaps the spirit of Ezra Pound will be upon you and you will do marvelous things in the way of poetry!

You show a lot of promise here!

shoffswife
Junior Member

since 2001-12-23

Posts 38
KY, US

8 posted 2001-12-23 02:37 AM

awesome poem. I loved the last two lines. I agree with the others, what happened to the speaker?

Englishpoet
Member

since 2001-12-18

Posts 54
Birmingham, England

9 posted 2001-12-24 10:54 AM

Dear Andrea
You have said it all - and so wonderfully. An awesome poem that we all can relate to. Well done.

I too like the last two lines. It brought a simle to my face - and could taste the lips on the breeze.

Good one. Clearly from the heart.
Asif

lizzyluv
Junior Member

since 2001-12-27

Posts 46
nh, usa. we suck.

10 posted 2001-12-27 10:08 PM

hmmm, there are quite a few things i'd like to say. this was far too broad. there were no specific details. this could've been almost any couple. did you really die? are you simply dead to them? you need to strip away the sugar-cliches and play w/the bare bones of this one. it'll be fun. you could get a lot more out of it.

"everyone is broken by something they love and worship"- Francesca Lia Block
*lizzy*

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