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LadySofia
Member
since 2000-05-16
Posts 238
FL., USA

0 posted 2001-12-04 12:41 PM


Sheas sir leitheid crithach duilleog
Aghaidh art gala
An solas, art grian de gheit geal
Militheach gealach; si loinnirni
Art sileadh fo mianrai
Gan mhoill art lubra ar an cloch

translated:

She stood like trembling leaves
Against a gale
The light, a star suddenly bright
Pale moon; she shines
A drip of mineral water
Soon a warren upon the stone

[This message has been edited by LadySofia (edited 12-04-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Amanda Piatt - All Rights Reserved
LadySofia
Member
since 2000-05-16
Posts 238
FL., USA
1 posted 2001-12-04 12:46 PM


Author's note:

This is a VERY important piece of work I am going to put in my novella. Criticism is necessary. Don't be soft. This is the first verse only, so I know it leaves one wondering, where is the rest of it? Anyone who speaks fluent Irish is welcome to give me any pointers, as I am not fluent, yet. I'm not sure how it sounds exactly when spoken by one who is fluent, either, so let me know if it doesn't seem "right" to you.

^_^ LadySofia

[This message has been edited by LadySofia (edited 12-04-2001).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
2 posted 2001-12-04 05:24 PM


Good luck.

Anyone out there who can help her out? I'm not sure I even speak fluent English.

Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 12-04-2001).]

Shou-Lao
Junior Member
since 2001-10-12
Posts 48

3 posted 2001-12-04 07:58 PM


I, like Pete can’t help with the Irish but I’ll have a shot at the English if I may.

As your post states this is only an isolated verse, the first, which doesn’t allow me much chance to glean where you’re going or what form you’re going to take to get there. My understanding of Irish poetry is poor as I’ve already mentioned but I do recall that Irish verse was in it’s original state much like welsh syllabic verse, both countries having shared ethnic roots. Syllabic poetry is divorced from the standard metrical format normally associated with western poetry, each verse in syllabic format follows the same count per line in each verse. That being the case, and provided you’re happy to follow the form, I’d suggest subsequent verses match the syllable count of the first verse line for line. If you need a guide find a copy of Poem in October by D. Thomas.

As I said the content is hard to judge on such a small sample, but the content of what we have is not:

She stood like trembling leaves
Against a gale

As a line it’s not too bad, a little cliched but I don’t mind that, as an opening to a poem it’s a little dull though.

The light, a star suddenly bright
Pale moon;

This is a little confusing it reads as three disconnected statements the light; A star; The moon this makes it a little staccato which doesn’t help the flow.

A drip of mineral water
Soon a warren upon the stone

Mineral water made me think of plastic bottles but that’s probably just me however I did have a major problem with the warren and the stone bit. To me a warren is an enclosure or home for rabbits another colloquially derivative would be a slum, neither seems to make sense.

I may of course be missing a major point here, local legend or tradition for instance, taking account of the nature of the piece, may prove (if proof be needed) that my observations are in fact twaddle.

Hope it helps though

Shou-lao

LadySofia
Member
since 2000-05-16
Posts 238
FL., USA
4 posted 2001-12-04 09:39 PM


Your knowledge is much appreciated, Shou. You know alot more about the Welsh similarity than I did. I tried to write this in English before I translated it. It is a verse from a prophecy written by a druid Elder (Elven character) in the novel I have been working on for 4 yrs. I've been reading the Tain Bo Culney (spelling?), also known as the Cattle Raid of Culney, and excerpts from one of the only other oral historical account, written by the monks in Ireland in the 12th or 13th century (can't recall the translated name). Since my Elven characters are quite different in their pen than your average Irishman, their form of Gaelic is a bit hard to describe, since it's all in my head. It's not pronounced the same way, either. I just wanted to be certain I wasn't breaking any major Irish taboos (not that I know of any). But you're right, it needs more...umph? Since it will be read (hopefully) by a broad audience. I'll try to post another version I wrote a couple years ago to see if it works better. Thank you for spending the time to read it, and also thank you for being honest!

^_^ LadySofia *apologetic for being such a windbag*

Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

5 posted 2001-12-05 01:44 PM


No, I don't speak Irish, but I would like to come back with a few suggestions for the English translation. this is beautifully haunting.

Kathleen (Kay)
"When red-haired girls scamper like roses over the rain-green grass, and the sun drips honey."
Laurie Lee

misguided angel
Member
since 2001-11-23
Posts 106
Australia
6 posted 2001-12-05 07:24 PM


Lady Sofia, my Irish is poor at best but it seems to flow. (my pronunciation may be off though)
Hopefully we have an Irish member or two. Maybe there is another forum here you could put it in to get a wider audience? Maybe a link in the announcements section?
As for the english version. I am not the best of poets so I will refrain from commenting.  
Andrea

Summon the courage to step out of your familiar rut and suddenly many of those things which held you back will no longer have the power to do so.

LadySofia
Member
since 2000-05-16
Posts 238
FL., USA
7 posted 2001-12-05 10:09 PM


I have to admit, I'm no Tolkien. I sat down riverside for the dawn this morning...so inspiring. I'm at a place where three rivers converge. The silence is haunting of itself as it seems I can only hear the cadence of water and the voices of the characters in my head. Secretly in my lair I often wish for his linguistic knowledge...if only to pick his brain! Thanks all; this is very encouraging to me, whether it points out flaws or flows. Honestly, the "Elvish" I speak of I won't put here, that's why it's in Gaelic, their mother tongue. I've had to give a wide birth...so as not to look like some copycat out to steal the greatest literary work of the 20th century.

^_^ LadySofia

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