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Six Minutes After Sunrise
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Six Minutes After Sunrise |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169
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b]Six Minutes After Sunrise[/b] The sun arose for a new dawn And I, I was awakening. A lost beam of Aurora’s breath, Shimmered across my eyes, My irises arose, widened, The morn rang out a purplish tune, A bell-shaped flower in the dewy mist, Refracted the dawnlight’s glow, And I, I was awakening. My sheets curled off my chest, I took step in post-twilight. My anteamoric stiffened core, Loosening as strides grew more. The first minute of dawning passed Whilst in joy of the heather’s aroma Opening my eyes to greater array, The lunar vestibule lowering, Receding into the horizon’s edge. And I, I was awakening. The next three minutes went by, As I hastened to a window where A better view of the sun’s debut be. Slipping on a marble by the stairs, A chair I hit, glancing to the floor, Remnants of yesternight's revel. And when finally arrived I there, The day’s dear dawn radiated Leaves of all colors, flowers of all Perfumes and sights of all wonders. A lover’s smile and wishing eyes. My eyes gazing unto this sight so Amazing, the sun’s warmth-lined rays Comforting, wrapping around my heart. And I, I was awoken. And then, closing my eyes for respite, Else they be blinded by pulchritude, I stood in the warmth for a minute, Not seeing yet feeling the foray, The dawnlight’s magnificent display, Of softly billowing pink clouds, The misty ether drifting downwards, The sun’s sweet smile unto all the world, A heart’s pure token of innocent care. And I, I was awoken. And then, in such a manner, Reached I the sixth minute of the day, Yet my eyes remained closed, Though tried I to open them again. Straining to peak with my eyes, That glory which long I felt, Again to see the beauty of the dawn. I struggled in vain with my might, To clasp, grasp the inspiring sight, Of the flowers glistening under, Under the dawnlight’s glance. The bell-shaped glittering flowers, Under the dawnlight’s glance. And I, I was awoken. For a fool ‘twas I that I did not, Did not comprehend nor understand, That this beauty I had still measured, Resided within not my irises, But dwelt within the awakened area, Of my fledgling heart with flaxen wings, Beating to a stuttering start, Like the young morning dawnbirds, Lifting from their mothers' nests. And the day was but unfurling, Uncoiling in Aurora’s misty light. These first six minutes of the sunrise, Were but a portion of all the beauty, Laying in waiting arms for us. For when I was awakened that day, And I, I was awakened, I awoke with you by my side. --------------- Yes, I know I posted it in the Open Forum (I have since edited it minorly), and yes I know it be'nt the loveliest thing in the world, that's why I want it to be critiqued, perhaps as harshest as possible because the person whom this was written for means a lot to me, and I'm not gonna let my own personal pride get in the way of her being presented with a better poem. Oh, and this poem represents our first six months together. Each minute represents a month of our relationship. When we were awoken together, 'twas in our relationship; and we have an entire "day" left together. -Derek |
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| © Copyright 2001 Derek Benz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hello 1. The peice is to long and you lose me fast 2. You use some really good words but they are to clumsy to have the dsired impact. Outside of this I think that there are some really great images and I think I know what you are trying to say but it gets lost because I trip over the clumsy positioning of such bautiful words. |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think some of the imagery was really good, especially in the second, third, and fourth stanzas. However, there is a lot of awkward phrasing that mucks up the flow... such as: The morn rang Whilst in joy A better view of the sun’s debut be. A chair I hit Reached I the sixth minute long I felt For a fool ‘twas I that I did not, --especially this, because the 'twas doesn't just interrupt flow, it doesn't make sense. Would you say "For a fool it was I that I did not" Or just "For a fool was I" ? And so on. The concentration on passive and archaic wording is very distracting. It comes out forced, and it's obvious that it's not the natural way you would spea to someone. I think if you kept the general idea and image, but updated some of the phrasing, this would flow much better. "we are all citizens of the womb before we subdivide |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169 |
Hm, I thank all of you for your critiques. I think one of the other biggest things I'd like help with is working in some of the symbolism so it's much more clear. For you see, this poem is extremely symbolic, but it doesn't always come off as being so. This poem is about the first six months of my relationship with my girlfriend, relating the first six minutes of the day and all the later glory that is to come to the first six months of our relationship. Some of the vocabulary I use isn't simply archaic, (in fact I don't believe any of it is) but one word in particular is simply made up. "Anteamoric" can not be found in any dictionary because I created it out of my extensive knowledge of the Latin language. Heh, I enjoy using Latin to make up words. ^_^ 'Tis fun. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Streen, I think I pretty much agree with Hush on this one. I believe what she meant by archaic was really inverted word ordering more than anything else. Go back over the poem and see if you would really speak that way. Thanks, Pete |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169 |
I see what you're saying, and I agree that it is slightly archaic, and that I wouldn't speak like that at all. In a few instances in the poem, I think I'll try to work that out because it kinda detracts from the whole of the poem. But, does poetry necessarily have to be written as how one would speak? One of my favorite poets is e.e. Cummings, and a few of his poems weren't even meant to be read aloud. (In fact some were quite impossible to be read aloud) Most of his other poems don't sound anywhere near what people of his time sounded like when they spoke aloud. Most poems I've read contain both a diction and a grammar construction that I've never really heard in normal everyday conversation; that is, except when people read poetry aloud. ^_~ |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Streen- I see what you are saying... I guess I wasn't exactly clear with what I was saying... in a sense, I have no problem with reading poetry that is written differently than we would normally talk- Hell, my favorite poet is Ginsberg, and he descends into pure maniacal raving half the time... but the thing is, he convinces me. He might not say those things out loud (but then again, you never know, those beatniks were pretty rowdy  ) but I was definitely convinced that his thought ran that pattern. Another really great example of this is W. S. Burroughs... he rarely fails to leave me asking "What the hell??" but I am completely convinced that whatever it is he's trying to say, it's all coming naturally from him.Now, what does this have to do with your poem? Nothing, maybe. But I get a certain sense of something, and maybe it's just a bias I have with archaic wording, but I have read very few modern poets that can use it effectively... (believe it or not, I even get a little fed up with Allen when he reverts to the thees and thines and thous of centuries past) and the general sense I get from this poem isn't only that you woulndn't necessarily speak this way, but that your train of thought might not follow that line of wording, either. It seems to me as if when you say "A chair I hit, glancing to the floor" You really mean "I hit a chair..." but just rearranged the words, and it seems interrupted. So why the run-around? Why not just say what you mean? You worry that your metaphor isn't very clear- I think clearing up some of the language confusions would help put more focus on the actual content of the poem. Hope i was more helpful this time around.  "we are all citizens of the womb before we subdivide |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169 |
Edited Version: Six Minutes After Sunrise The sun arose for a new dawn And I, I was awakening. A lost beam of Aurora’s breath, Shimmered across my eyes, My irises arose, widened, Ringing across morn a purplish tune, A bell-shaped flower in the dewy mist, Refracted the dawnlight’s glow, And I, I was awakening. My sheets curled off my chest, I took step in post-twilight my Antecedently lovelorn core, Traversing into fruition and amor. The first minute of dawning passed Perceiving the heather’s aroma Opening my eyes to greater array, The lunar vestibule lowering, Receding into the horizon’s edge. And I, I was awakening. The next three minutes went by, As I hastened to a window where 'Twas a better view; the sun’s debut. Slipping on a marble by the stairs, Into a chair; I, glancing to the floor, Remnants of yesternight's revel saw. And when finally I arrived there, The day’s dear dawn radiated Leaves of all colors, flowers of all Perfumes and sights of all wonders. A lover’s smile and hopeful soul. My eyes gazing unto this sight so Amazing, the sun’s warmth-lined rays Comforting, wrapping around my heart. And I, I was awoken. And then, closing my eyes for respite, Else they be blinded by pulchritude, I wavered in the warmth for a minute, Not seeing yet feeling the foray, The dawnlight’s magnificent display, Of softly billowing pink clouds, The misty ether drifting downwards, The sun’s sweet smile unto all the world, A heart’s pure token of innocent care. And I, I was awoken. And then, in such a manner, The sixth minute of the day neared, Yet my eyes remained closed, Though I tried to open them again. Straining to peak with my eyes, That glory which long I felt, Again to see the beauty of the dawn. I struggled in vain with my might, To clasp, grasp the inspiring sight, Of the flowers glistening under, Under the dawnlight’s glance. The bell-shaped glittering flowers, Under the dawnlight’s glance 'Twas six minutes after sunrise, And I, I was awoken. For a fool was I that I did not, Did not comprehend nor understand, That this beauty I had measured, Was sure to unfold for it was unfleeting, Dwelling within the awakened area, Of my heart with petals drawing, Drawing outwards to draw inwards, The sun sparkling downwards onto Two flowers twisting stems in growth. For the day was¾corollas unfurling, Uncoiling in Aurora’s misty light¾ Six minutes after the sunrise; A portion of beauty rising, Blossoming splendor every moment, Every minute after sunrise, Every month together in bloom. For when I was awakened this day, And I, I was awakened, I awoke with you by my side. ----------------- -Derek [This message has been edited by Streen (edited 12-16-2001).] |
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