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Haiku 1- Bells Outward Ring
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Haiku 1- Bells Outward Ring |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169
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bells outward; aromas bring purple flower-ring -Derek |
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| © Copyright 2001 Derek Benz - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Welcome to Passions, Derek! I think I'm going to enjoy watching your poetry! Karilea |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169 |
Thank you. ^_^ I'm sure I'll be having a wonderful time here. -Derek |
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RosePetal 
since 2001-08-26
Posts 2985South Florida |
Hi Streen! I'm looking forward to seeing more from you! : ) Please check your email for special greeting from me! |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I'm hardly an expert at haiku, but I know syllable count isn't all there is to it. You've got the nature theme, which is a good start, but the image you present is more of a vague lavender smell sort of idea... haikus, in my experience, are most effective when they provide a simple but enlightening look at nature, and then... the dual nature thereof. I think the rhyme in this distracts from that, as does the unsteady phrasing. Also, traditionally, haikus are left untitled... the idea is that the content of the poem alone should be enough to convey the message. Hope I've helped.  -Amy "this is not who I meant to be |
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Streen Member
since 2001-11-28
Posts 169 |
Ok, thank you for your helpful comments. The only real reason I included a title was something that could catch the eye of random passerby's in the event that one might peruse its title, find nothing interesting, not open it, and move onwards. Thank you for your clarification of what "haiku" constitutes. My sophomore teacher last year only informed us of the syllable count, and not much else. She told us about tanka style, but nothing about the nature of haiku. It was only through my own perusal of others' haiku that I learned it had to deal with nature, but the dual aspect of it I hadn't really picked up yet. Thank you. Although, hm, my poem sortly has a dualistic nature to it, though I'm sure it's not the kind you're referring to. My use of the word "flower-ring" was both referring to the flowers "flowering" but also tied into the previous line with the "bells outward" which rang through the "risen" quality of nature; its evolution. I don't know if this actually constitutes what you've learned about haiku, but it's at least a start, methinks. |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
Maybe this is just me but I was stuck with the "ings" just seemed too many of them in this one. I don't know... Kathleen (Kay) |
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LadySofia Member
since 2000-05-16
Posts 238FL., USA |
Although I am not an expert on haiku, nor can I offer suggestions to help you, I found it pleasant nevertheless. As Balladeer put it, I'm just a common (wo)man. ^_^ LadySofia |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I put a haiku thread somewhere, I know I did, I read it... anyway...haiku is only about nature, with a 5/7/5 syllable count. Five syllables first line, seven in the second line, five in the third line. Senryu is a 5/7/5 count, as well, but deals with everything else, i.e., not nature oriented. But most of all, you must know, whether it be haiku, senryu, or tanka, they are all a pleasant form of writing...sometimes we have marathon writings in Open, where one naturally leads to another...which could eventually form a choka [I believe] if enough poets got in on it... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I enjoyed this. I like the multiple images created by the word play. Nice job on a form that I increasingly feel is far more difficult than getting the syllables right. Thanks, Brad |
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strbbux Member Elite
since 2001-12-19
Posts 3859 |
I am not too familiar with haiku but I will say this streen, I did enjoy reading it very much , strbbux |
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