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Critical Analysis #1
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chas
Member
since 2001-04-08
Posts 101
Lynn, ma

0 posted 2001-10-18 10:50 PM


here is a story,
once told before,
about a life of a child,
but not a boy  anymore,
he has grown in appearance,
but  not in the mind,
the things that he do,
is due past his time,

he is bless with the fact,
that he is just like his dad,
is that something to be proud of?
Because his eyes are so sad,
in the course of his years,
no father was there,
but the boy is a man,
cus he can't shed a tear,

as time would go on,
no changes were made,
he lives his life like,
just like the old days,
remembering his suffering,
holding on to the past,
the pain that's inside him?
How long will it last?

He likes to think back when,
when he was young and bold,
he listens to no one,
never did what was told,
but maybe he should of,
because he never did see,
how hard it was for his mother,
to be both mommy and daddy,

as time grew older,
so did he,
he is having remorse,
i believe he is feeling a little bit guiltily,
The actions ones takes,
effects mainly others,
think not of oneself,
and you will understand better.

This story is over,
for now it is,
but more will come,
for he will have kids.
And what they will become,
is no laughing joke,
troublesome rugrats
Holy smokes!!

well, forgive me if you did not like it. but what i hope to get out of you was a wide range of emontions, if not i need to improve. and also forgive for trying to add a "life lesson" at the end.      thanks for the time....chas



© Copyright 2001 chas - All Rights Reserved
RosePetal
Deputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2001-08-26
Posts 2985
South Florida
1 posted 2001-10-19 09:23 PM


Hey there chas, I can relate to your poem.
Its hard for one parent to play both parts.
For me it was opposite, I had only dad all my life not mom. I wonder sometimes if I would be a good mother considering that I didnt have my mom around to teach me anything. Thanks for sharing.

Kevin Taylor
Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada
2 posted 2001-10-21 02:33 PM


My opinions. The poem would stand better with proper capitalization as it does not gain in any way without it. Some poems are better visually one way or another and some poems require one or another to create a tone etc. The arbitrary choice can sometimes work and can sometimes distract the reader. I found it distracting.
The next general point is that the punctuation is way off. Every line either ends in a period, question mark, exclamations or comma and the commas have the others outnumbered around 10 to 1. The first stanza could be rendered:

here is a story
once told before
about a life of a child,
but not a boy  anymore,
he has grown in appearance
but  not in the mind.
...

I stopped there because that is the point at which sentence structure lost me. There are a couple of places ie:

"he lives his life like,
just like the old days,"

and

"He likes to think back when,
when he was young and bold,"

where the repetition of the word in the line does not serve any purpose I can see except to maintain a rhythm. Perhaps another word would serve you better.

You said "forgive me if you did not like it. but what i hope to get out of you was a wide range of emontions". You hardly require forgiveness.

Your goal to evoke (communicate) a range of emotions is perhaps your most important point. You succeeded to this degree: The piece communicates grief (sadness), shame, pain, and regret. Perhaps there were emotions other readers were able to get.

If it were my poem I'd consider this info and then do as I pleased with it, as I hope you will.

Thanks for the poem,

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you get there."


The Lady of Shallot
Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818
USA
3 posted 2001-10-24 04:05 PM


show us, don't tell us.  Show us the boy.
In specific terms and work on your spelling.
and please "the things that he DOES"

-befriend yourself and you will never be alone-

[This message has been edited by The Lady of Shallot (edited 10-24-2001).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2001-10-25 11:29 AM


Hi Chas,

I am copying here a comment I left on another thread a few minutes ago. This may also be useful information for you.

. . . you probably should change the title, or more specifically, the subject line. Remember, the purpose of this forum is critical analysis. Presumably the only reason to post a poem here is to get the impressions and comments of others. With that in mind, people are usually put off by a subject line which seems to ask for special attention to a particular posting, often to the point of ignoring it completely. As a [relative] newcomer, you would not be expected to know that, of course. And sometimes we forget to point it out adequately.

Of course this is just cheap, friendly advice. You are free to use whatever titles and subject lines you want as long as they stay within the forum guidelines.



Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 10-25-2001).]

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