She Walked In The Door (Revised)

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Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

0 posted 2001-10-12 12:52 PM

Sorry but I can't seem to write anything new. This was originally posted about a year ago. I have made a few changes here and there but I have completely rewritten the ending and added some to it. The original just seemed to end too abruptly and hopefully this corrects that problem. Also note, Brad, that it no longer has the didactic ending which you complained about. And you were right, I like it much better this way. Thanks.
She Walked In The Door

I was passing through town and just looking around, found a tavern and stopped for a drink,
A neighborhood place where I saw on each face both sorrow and passion, I think;
When I stepped in I thought that maybe I ought to just look around the room
To see what was there, so I took the first chair for my eyes to adjust to the gloom;
Saw a guy at the bar with a long ugly scar from his chin right down to his chest,
And one at the end mourned the loss of a friend, or so it appeared at best;
A drunk at a table kept calling "Hey Mable, bring me another beer."
But the laughter about left little to doubt that amusement existed in here;
An interesting place and I saw on each face both pleasure and passion, I think.

A sign at the bar said "It's happy hour - You buy one you get one free"
And the barkeep was mixing but what he was fixing looked unfamiliar to me.
In a moment or so my eye caught a glow from a stage on the other side
So I got up to see just what it might be, curiosity I couldn't hide;
And at the next table, was a man quite unable to hold his head up straight,
While the girl at his side just wanted to hide and get through this lousy date,
And that drunk at the table still yelling "Hey Mable, where in hell is my beer";
Then I stopped and I thought that maybe I ought to just get on out of here,
But the barkeep's still fixing that drink he was mixing, now looked pretty good to me.

They had a good band, back there on the stand - played my favorite, rhythm and blues -
So I found a close chair and I sat down right there by the stage with a perfect view
Of the band as they played and the dancers who swayed to the rhythm and sensuous sound
Of the music they heard, and I spoke not a word but studied this place I had found -
A nice enough place yet the look on each face was puzzled and troubled, I think.
But it seemed like time now to figure out how to order myself a drink,
So I caught the eye of a waitress nearby, I believe her name was Annette,
And my order for booze, as I listened to blues, she came right over to get,
And I sat in my chair, right by the stage there, immersed in that perfect view.

Then she walked in the door, never saw her before, but the prettiest I'll ever see,
And I thought I should ask, if my nerve I could mask, if she might have a dance with me;
Her full lips were red, like the hair on her head, which was long and curled with care,
Her body, just right, was a beautiful sight, and her legs were from here to there,
She wore a red dress, which I must confess, was as short as a man could desire,
So low cut at the top could have made my heart stop or at least set my thoughts on fire,
And it fit her so tight that at first glance it might have been just a crimson illusion
Yet that would improve, each time she would move, to further my lustful confusion;
Yes I wanted to ask, but was awed by the task, if she'd have just one dance with me.

Now listen my friends how the story ends, to my best recollection it's true -
I'd take that big chance and ask her to dance, but first have a drink or two;
Yet that red dress she wore, as I said before, was so short and low cut and tight,
That I just couldn't wait, in spite of my state, that passion I just couldn't fight;
So I got to my feet, could hear my heart beat, and spruced up the best that I could,
And I asked her if she might just dance with me . . . With a smile she said that she would.
Now I don't dance much but her skill was such that I just couldn't do any wrong
And we danced through the night, as I held her tight, till the band played their final song;
Then after the dance I took one more chance and ordered us drinks for two.

Well, we found a dark place where we sat face-to-face and continued our conversation,
And she'd touch my hand and you'd understand how that was a stunning sensation.
Then out of the blue she said "I'm Marilu. Now don't you remember my face?"
And I scratched my head and then finally said, "Yes, I do, from a previous place
And time; I believe, if my thoughts don't deceive, it was high school, a long time ago."
But back then she was plump and a bit of a frump, so how could I ever know
That she'd look so great at this later date, this plain girl from out of my past,
Would turn out to be this temptress I see, with a beauty that can't be surpassed,
That the girl, I recall no temptation at all, would become such a stunning sensation.

As we sipped at our drinks, I started to think she just might enjoy consummation
Of friendship renewed, for she seemed in the mood, and that surely was my motivation;
Then after a while she asked with a smile "Don't you think it's about time to leave?"
And that sounded so good, made me think that she would, my good fortune was hard to believe.
"Since I'm just passing through there's not much to do but go back to your place", I said,
Then she smiled once again and said "Oh no, my friend, we'll do it this way, instead.
Remember in school how you treated me cool and sometimes had mean words to say?
Well, I'm going alone and you're on your own." And she turned and went on her way
With a wave of her hand I could not understand but it shattered my true motivation.

I sat stunned for a bit and I had to admit that my ego had badly been bruised,
Then I got up to go, trying hard not to show my frustration at being refused;
I paid my bar debt, left a tip for Annette and headed, forlorn, for the door
But when I stepped out and looked all about, there she was, with that smile like before.
She tilted her head so demurely and said "I've come to a new conclusion."
Well, I liked what I heard but was slightly deterred by a feeling of sober confusion.
"Yes, I've changed my mind and I'm now more inclined to take you to my place instead
Of going alone. It's your chance to atone for your past" were the words that she said
To transform my frustration to great jubilation, an offer that can't be refused.

I had thought her a tease but she proved she could please like I never imagined she would,
Marilu was her name and love was her game and damn she was awfully good.
I must leave you perplexed because what happened next is a matter deserving discretion
But suffice it to say that we both had our way with no thoughts of restraint or suppression.
Then just after dawn, I had to move on but she offered one parting embrace,
And never again have I seen her since then yet I'll always remember that face,
The short dress, the long hair, the body so fair and those legs - a magnificent sight -
No, there never before nor for evermore was a time like I had that night,
And I'll never forget that night when we met because damn she was awfully good.

Jeen
Member

since 2000-06-07

Posts 91

1 posted 2001-10-16 06:34 PM

Pete

I must admit the first time I saw this post,
I passed it by because it was too long.

I promised myself that I would get back to it, and today I when I started it again I kept scanning the page to find where it ended.

I like to see visually the container the poem resides in and unfortunately sometimes I make decisions on whether or not I will read a poem based on that.

Having said all that, once I read it I really enjoyed the story and the style.

Jeen

[This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 10-16-2001).]

Kevin Taylor
Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada

2 posted 2001-10-17 12:23 PM

The story and storytelling are good. The only point I'd play with is the line lengths. The use of such long lines, creating massive blocks, is daunting for the reader. My opinion on the matter of presentation is that it provides the vehicle for the reader to get on board, so to speak. The visual shape of the poem is the point of "first contact" and in this case it prevented me from reading even the first line of the poem the first time I dropped by. Very shallow of me, I know. Once I had read the 1st line and saw what you were doing I was able to get on board for the long haul.
Shorter lines and more white space would have been more welcoming.

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you get there."

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

3 posted 2001-10-17 10:30 AM

Jeen and Kevin,

I thank both of you for reading and commenting. Don't apologize for skipping over or ignoring overly long poems. I am usually guilty of the same thing too. I see that you both have basically the same complaints, the overall length as well as the line length. I understand and agree on both counts.

I don't think much can be done about the overall but the lines can be broken up and shortened. The only reason I left them as is was to point out the 9th line of each stanza which more or less recalls the 2nd line. I think you are both right, however, in that the beginning must be interesting enough to get the reader involved. Thus I think maybe it would be better to sacrifice that 9th line twist and reformat the whole thing to make it look less formidable.

I will do only the first stanza here to show what I have in mind. Do you think it would have the right effect if I make the whole thing look like this?

   I was passing through town and just looking around,
   found a tavern and stopped for a drink,
   A neighborhood place where I saw on each face
   both sorrow and passion, I think;
   When I stepped in I thought that maybe I ought
   to just look around the room
   To see what was there, so I took the first chair
   for my eyes to adjust to the gloom;
   Saw a guy at the bar with a long ugly scar
   from his chin right down to his chest,
   And one at the end mourned the loss of a friend,
   or so it appeared at best;
   A drunk at a table kept calling "Hey Mable,
   bring me another beer."
   But the laughter about left little to doubt
   that amusement existed in here;

   An interesting place and I saw on each face
   both pleasure and passion, I think.

Again I thank both of you for investing the time it took to read this thing. And I promise the next one will be much shorter.

Thanks,
Pete

Kevin Taylor
Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada

4 posted 2001-10-17 02:22 PM

And the 9th line stand-alone-stanzas will add extra visual interest! Looking forward to the new look.

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you get there."

Jeen
Member

since 2000-06-07

Posts 91

5 posted 2001-10-17 02:30 PM

Pete

Yes I like it much better. I like the white spaces as much as the poem itself.

Jeen

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2001-10-18 09:55 AM

Thanks again for your help, both of you. I'm convinced. That's what I love about this place, so much to learn.

Pete

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

7 posted 2001-10-25 12:54 PM

Actually, the long lines didn't bother me much.

I adore the first stanza... normally, I'm not one for most story-telling poems, poemswith strict structure, or dialogue in poems, but your first lines pulled me in... sometimes creating a setting can become tedious, and you did a really good job giving the tavern and its occupants character without going overboard, I especially applaud your use of names in the rhyme scheme... it works very well.

The first line of the second stanza dissapointed me. the line:

'A sign at the bar said "It's happy hour - You buy one you get one free"'

made me stumble... first of all, the flow seems interrupted by "it's happy hour" and the attempt to regain it by "you buy one, you get one free" is very unnatural, because I never knew 'buy one get one free' signs to use pronouns or engage in banter... I just couldn't swallow it. Seemed to cater to syllable count and rhythm too much.

'In a moment or so my eye caught a glow from a stage on the other side
So I got up to see just what it might be, curiosity I couldn't hide;
And at the next table, was a man quite unable to hold his head up straight,
While the girl at his side just wanted to hide and get through this lousy date,
And that drunk at the table still yelling "Hey Mable, where in hell is my beer";'

These lines had some signifigant builup... since the speaker mentioned a stage glowing and from there placed direct focus on the drunk man, his date's obvious discomfort, and his blatant disrespect for Mable, that's what I became interested in, but there was no followthrough. To be franky honest, this bit of information fascinated me much more than the speaker's story... I guess I'm wondering if this was intentional... to get the reader interested in another situation and proceed to dissapoint by continuing with the speakers own events... which I found kind of dull in comparison... if so, I think it's a very good technique.

I guess it seemed to me that the speaker is an average man with average, typically male unheroic exploits in the bar scene in attempts to get laid... initially I found myself kind of put off by the commonness of his predicament and its outcome, as well as what I initially saw as debasement of the woman character- that she would be typically indecisive as women are sometimes characterized, and the whole materialistic, even sleazy (depending on personal standards) situation... but the more I go over it and write about it, the more I change my mind... Maybe I'm reading too deeply into this, but I think that by un-heroising (sorry for lack of better term, or, uh, even a real word, but my vocabulary isn't much to speak of lately) the speaker, you are trying to convey some messages about social conventions, interactions with the opposite sex, and interactions with other people in general with this... when i read this first, I sat and wondered "so... what's the point?" and I like that the point is in between the lines and needs to be searched for...

So... some of the basic ideas I think you are trying to get across are:

-The speaker of a poem is not always the most interesting, unique, or important chracter

-The bar scene is the all-American typical place where people come together and interact, sharing their sorrown, pleasure, and passion, sometimes with strangers.. and that the bar scene is not the only place where this happens- the setting is commonplace because this could be anywhere

-Man's fallibility to physical attraction and sex drive, as well as the tendancy to shun the ugly girls in favor of sexy ones

-woman's similar fallibility to sexual desire- her initial reaction to his suggestions are not offense to her being seen for her sexual pleasure only, but simply offense that he didn't see her that way all along... and then changes her mind, deciding she'd like to have sex after all

-these two themes can obviously simply be examples of the much broader theme of human weakness in resisting desire, lack of morality (once again, all depending on your moral standpoint)

OR

-instead of representing weakness, this could represent their refusal of social conventions about sex... she doesn't care that he wronged her before, he doesn't care that he's only out for one thing, it's purely lust, something that is often looked down on from many sects of society

Anyway... I could go on forever about this... I apologize for the lack of structure in this reply, and for any typos I have not caught.

BTW- 'and her legs were from here to there' is a beautiful image.... I can't pinpoint how, but as vague as the term 'here to there' is, the words have a sense of familiarity when, applied to human characteristics, works very well.

I really hope some of this made sense, if anyone even bothered reading the whole thing....

I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

8 posted 2001-10-25 11:19 AM

Hi Hush,

Thank you for the in-depth critique. I know you, like many others, are not particularly fond of long poems. Son I know you put out a lot of effort on this one. I think you have delved deeper into the characters than I did and you have come up with wome very interesting insights. As far as my intent, I think you have hit it quite well but you have pointed out some things which, at least consciously, did not occur to me.

quote:
The first line of the second stanza dissapointed me. the line:

'A sign at the bar said "It's happy hour - You buy one you get one free"'

made me stumble... first of all, the flow seems interrupted by "it's happy hour" and the attempt to regain it by "you buy one, you get one free" is very unnatural, because I never knew 'buy one get one free' signs to use pronouns or engage in banter... I just couldn't swallow it. Seemed to cater to syllable count and rhythm too much.

Ok, you got me there. You are probably right about the pronouns in the sign and I did it to maintain the meter. I hope it's only a small stumble as I don't see a practical way to change it. Perhaps if it were not written as a direct quote but as a memory or something it might work.

Well, thanks again for devoting a great deal of time and thought to my poem. I am particularly pleased that you enjoyed it.

Pete

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