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ediscool
New Member

since 2001-10-19

Posts 2
Tx,USA

0 posted 2001-10-19 12:10 PM

Time
The end is near
This is the beginning of the end
The monster rides like lightening
On the waves of the past
I reflect and see memories
of long forgotten experiences.
I look back, memories so close
Yet so far, only inches from my grasp
Now i look forward, see the impending chaos
Of the unintelligable future.
The future holds everything in nothing.
I stop and hope time stops with me,
But I am thrust forward by the torrent of
Time, into the infinite realm of the unknown.
Alone I see this, Alone I stand
Alone i am watching time spin it's cursed of
Progression. Alone I am helpless to stop it,
And Stay here in the realm of Perfection.
Everything comes to an end, to a close.

Ed Soto

[This message has been edited by ediscool (edited 10-19-2001).]

RosePetal

Member Elite

since 2001-08-26

Posts 2985
South Florida

1 posted 2001-10-19 09:26 PM

I think all things come to an end..Nothing lasts forever. Things change..people change...Time is a precious gift so don't let it go out the window!

Kevin Taylor
Member

since 1999-12-23

Posts 185
near Vancouver, BC, Canada

2 posted 2001-10-21 02:40 PM

This feels like the moments before waking or perhaps better the moments before sleep in a life of dispair.
Why are you choosing to capitlaize "I" at times, and at others, not?

Kevin

"Poetry is, at once, what you get... and how you get there."

Jeen
Member

since 2000-06-07

Posts 91

3 posted 2001-10-22 09:48 AM

Ed

I don't know if anyone got a chance to say welcome, but I saw that you are new, and thought I would say hi.

After reading your piece I was somewhat confused with the random use of capital letters.

Sometimes, as Kevin stated, you capitaized I, sometimes you did not. And you chose to capitalize almost every beginning word, but not all of them.

Was that intentional?

If not, maybe you might want to rethink the presentation.

Just a thought.

Jeen

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2001-10-22 05:56 PM

Hi Ed,

Just another welcome to the CA forum. Sorry to be slow in greeting you. I really don't have much to add so I'll just pretty much agree with Kevin and Jeen. I think they have offerred pretty good advice. The problems they pointed out are distracting enough to make it difficult to read the poem properly. Sorry but that's all the time I have right now.

Check you email.

Thanks,
Pete

The Lady of Shallot
Senior Member

since 2001-10-03

Posts 818
USA

5 posted 2001-10-24 04:03 PM

Time
The end is near
This is the beginning of the end
The monster rides like lightening
On the waves of the past
I reflect and see memories
of long forgotten experiences.
I look back, memories so close
Yet so far, only inches from my grasp
Now i look forward, see the impending chaos
Of the unintelligable future.
The future holds everything in nothing.
I stop and hope time stops with me,
But I am thrust forward by the torrent of
Time, into the infinite realm of the unknown.
Alone I see this, Alone I stand
Alone i am watching time spin it's cursed of
Progression. Alone I am helpless to stop it,
And Stay here in the realm of Perfection.
Everything comes to an end, to a close."

well, this is a critique forum.

First of all, the title for this has nothing to do with the piece. It's a command for attention and nothing more. That's the first thing I would change.

There is no need to capitalize the first line of every sentence unless it begins a new one.

Your entire piece is too abstract, memories, alone, repeated....the words mean nothing, I haven't a clue as to what you are trying to say.

lightning and unintelligible are misspelled.

Sorry, but this entire piece sounds like an old chiche from the sixties....the end is near and is sorely outdated and says nothing to me.

Good luck to you.

-befriend yourself and you will never be alone-

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2001-10-25 11:26 AM

Hi again Ed.

As pointed out above, you probably should change the title, or more specifically, the subject line. Remember, the purpose of this forum is critical analysis. Presumably the only reason to post a poem here is to get the impressions and comments of others. With that in mind, people are usually put off by a subject line which seems to ask for special attention to a particular posting, often to the point of ignoring it completely. As a newcomer, you would not be expected to know that, of course. And sometimes we forget to point it out adequately.

Of course this is just cheap, friendly advice. You are free to use whatever titles and subject lines you want as long as they stay within the forum guidelines.

Pete

Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 10-25-2001).]

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