»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Ordinary Meanness
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Ordinary Meanness |
|
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
I see The tightened lip of her husband Become a tightened fist Crumbling her slight frame like paper Onto their kitchens white linoleum floor Blood leaking at her right temple Pooling around her matted blonde hair I see A man wearing a stiff collared denim shirt And freshly pressed gray uniform pants Exit his 1995 Chevy Blazer Walk into Duffy's Restaurant Releasing a spray of bullets that pierce A grandmother, newlyweds, two siblings and a father I see The haggard eyes of a fourteen-year-old girl As she pushes a dull hypodermic needle Mixed with heroin and cocaine Into her neck because the scarred bruised veins She had used for the last hundred nights Collapsed like purple linguine under her skin I see A child gaunt and pallid Like a Halloween decoration Die over and over again In an upright hospital bed While a machine click-clocks His last forced breath Mucus killing him On the cystic fibrosis installment plan With evil so rampant Does God see ordinary meanness Or that sometimes I step on small insects because I can Jeen |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Joie de Vivre Junior Member
since 2001-09-29
Posts 21USA |
I am not going to critique as I am not in any place to give advice, but I can tell you what I truly enjoyed ... visually, I kept reading and reading your tale, and the question of "Why does God let all this ugliness into world?" came in each verse; each one of us could name examples, and I found yours to be genuine, as if you knew these uglies from personal experience; what I did like, although a but misplaced (in a good way) was ending; stepping on insects, a sin we commit daily, is still an ugly of mankind. Good job, keep going and going with it; you'd be surprised what you can discover in your words. |
||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this a lot... the imagery is very effective and the end posed a good question. I have two suggestions though- in stanza 1, maybe using crumple instead of crumble... it think that woud be much more effective. Also, maybe not capitalizing the beginning of every line... I think it interrupts the flow of one thought from line to line. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
||
|
Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
Good poem and good question...thought provoking.. With evil so rampant Does God see ordinary meanness Or that sometimes I step on small insects because I can |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jeen, I like this. The images are stark...the wording well-done, not over done. The first stanza pulled me in immediately, and, I must say, I was surprised where I ended up. It was a great ending, however...the question. Enjoyed the read, Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jeen, Haven't heard from you in a while. I think Kris said exactly what I would have said if she hadn't said it first. At least that's what I would say now that I have read her comments. The images were indeed stark but not overdone or melodramatic. The ending was a complete surprise and it does pose an interesting question. In reality though, I don't think we necessarily step on insects just because we can. I think we step on them because we have to keep them under control if we want to remain on this planet. Thanks, Pete |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Thank you all for your input. It is good to be back again. Hush--good idea on the changing capitals and the word crumple. Pete--it is true sometimes we kill "smaller insects" because of a societal control, (in the literal sense), but sometimes those smaller insects are our spouse, or our co-worker, or our sick child who needs help to die, and we kill because we can. One of the questions I wanted to pose is whether or not God sees the transgressions we think are small, or does he see the potential for evil in each of us regardless of the degree. Jeen [This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 10-09-2001).] |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jeen, I did understand your question to be so much broader than my small response. However, in the same sense, my comment just might apply to the world's terrorists in these trying times. Thanks again, Pete |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Pete Ahhhh...sometimes the inability to share an inflection or a facial expression makes it difficult to know when one is being literal. My bad. Jeen |
||
|
YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Must add my 2 cents to this. its good. Good IMO because it takes an oft asked question and presents it in a way that's not fresh, yet captivating- almost putting the thoughts & questions in the reader's mouth(and I think this is its coup). Nicely done. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
