»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
The First Year My Son Went To Live With His Father
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
The First Year My Son Went To Live With His Father |
|
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
The space between our words and ears were littered With thin white eggshells Conversations Flipped from caustic white Fury to cool acquiescence The memories we shared were Leached of color His room became haunted with the smell of CK I died My white blood cells Hoisted up ivory flags of surrender Linen doctors in bleached hospitals Couldn't name my illness They gave me alabaster antibiotics And chalky liquid to drink But they could not give me the white lie That he would come home Jeen [This message has been edited by Jeen (edited 07-14-2001).] |
||
| © Copyright 2001 Jeen - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Too much white- not just the word, but the image. It needs some contrast- for the most part I like this- great images and good flow, but I think maybe there would be more impact if we were given a glimpse of what had been before he left... everything's fine. |
||
|
Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I dunno, hush ... I think the "white" motif is symbolic of something missing that is very appropriate in this piece - though I agree that the word itself (or variations thereof) could bear with a little less repeating ... I know from experience that the world can be a rather bleak place when deprived of the color of one's children ... Jeen, this touched me on a personal level because I have lived this situation, at least in the sense of having my children move away from me -- so perhaps I am not the best candidate for an "objective" critique (quotes added for Brad's sake LOL). But I'll take a bash at it ... "The space between our words and ears were littered With thin white eggshells" This is the first place that I think your mention of white is not necessary -- though I realize that eggshells come in many colors, most people will automatically associate the color white with this image. I like the "walking on eggshells" reference here, though ... so much so that I think it would stand up well without both adjectives (thin/white). "Conversations Flipped from caustic white Fury to cool acquiescence" The line breaks here make me want to dissociate "white" from "fury" -- the image would flow a bit more smoothly if you bumped "fury" up a line, IMHO.  "The memories we shared were Leached of color His room became haunted with the smell of CK" Again, "were" and "with" are very awkward line breaks ... especially so close together. Makes it choppy. Like. This. LOL. If you don't want to change both here, I would suggest that you try smoothing out one of them by moving either "with" or "were" down a line. "I died" Very appropriate just like this. I would want a pause at least this big had I died. "My white blood cells Hoisted up ivory flags of surrender Linen doctors in bleached hospitals Couldn't name my illness" A flag of surrender is is generally stark white, not ivory.  Again, this image implies its own "white" without need for mention."They gave me alabaster antibiotics And chalky liquid to drink But they could not give me the white lie That he would come home" Just can't stomach "alabaster" here. Something about my senses refuses to associate such a lovely adjective with such an antiseptic noun. Try a synonym ... As for the rest, well done. The ending is a powerful statement of hopelessness and loss. I will be looking for more. Linda ... what if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about ...? [This message has been edited by Skyfyre (edited 07-15-2001).] |
||
|
Jeen Member
since 2000-06-07
Posts 91 |
Thank you all for very specific criticism. When I wrote this poem I had to think of something to attach my pain to, otherwise it just flowed into everything and I couldn't define it. I chose the color white to a least spring off, but I agree it has served its purpose. In the original poem the line breaks are different. I have to practice a little more and see what I am doing wrong. I usually only get to the computer at night when I am less awake, and have less time. Thank you all again for some very helpful suggestions. Jeen |
||
|
Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hello Jeen, This is the first poem I've read of yours (as far as I know, anyhow) and I was very impressed. Maybe I'm dense, but I didn't find all the "white references" irritating. Now that they've been pointed out, though, I can see that the poem might be stronger without some of them. But still, I think the emotion got through very clearly on this. I really liked the white stuff. I kept thinking, What's with the white? throughout the poem, but then I really enjoyed the ending with the white lie. Powerful stuff. I do agree with line breaks. Especially since this poem seems to demand to be read slowly - which is in keeping with the themes - it would help if it were clearer where one thought ended and another began. If you want to try using enjambment (throwing a leg of a line of poetry over onto the next line) as a poetic device, I'd suggest making the first word of a line that continues a thought start with a small letter. You did this in some places, but here's an example: Conversations flipped from caustic white fury to cool acquiescence To make the meaning and/or flow even clearer, try using some punctuation. I'm not a huge punctuation freak, but I think in some cases it's very useful and doesn't interrupt the poem as much as you might think, IMHO. Anyway, I'll tune in for more! Keep it up! Ashley |
||
|
redwriter1 Member
since 1999-07-22
Posts 480Franklin, TN |
I think you have a great start here.! |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
